Merci, Rouky et tous les autres! It has been a good day. I hope for miracles for all of us.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I'm okay. Back on the roller coaster. W wants me, she's not sure. She said in an email that some days she wants to just sprint to my house and beg for forgiveness (on bended knee) and other days she hesitates. Her words. So I gave her my address, which I had been holding back on, and sai the next time she has that urge to run like the wind before she changes her mind. Now I'm going dark for a while. That feels good, as does the knowledge that she will be away tomorrow through Wednesday. So I'm not expecting anything from her. She's telling a friends she wants to be done with ow but she's not sure we can get past this, so after I reassured her we could, I'm pulling back and trying to live my life. Let her make the next move.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Hi NYG, I have to agree with Zues. In the first few months, my H also showed a lot of confusion and (had I enabled it) would have been back and forth between us I suspect.
He and OW got together and split up 5 or 6 times over the period of a year or so. Fortunately he and I weren't really discussing R during most of this period or I guess my hopes would have been raised. Normally I found about the break ups and reconciling afterwards and so they affected me less.
If your W is like my H, she may run like the wind back to you during one of these break ups and then be drawn back to OW when she has you again. That's how the dynamic tends to work for a while - and that would be painful. For me, it was certainly the thing I was most keen to avoid.
Once the A has begun, it needs to run it's course and I believe that is best done with you having stepped aside. If you read some more about affairs and triangulation, I believe you are putting yourself at one point on the triangle, which can perpetuate the dysfunction. Actually, it is the facing of real loss which can lead to some growth and awakening within the WAS. But I don't think they come to face that loss until we have reached the point where we are truly willing and confident to move forward alone.
I think you have a romanticised view of the situation - If she would just run like the wind back to me, everything would be okay. However, actually that is the most difficult part and I believe we need to do much in the way of growth to give ourselves a chance of making things work after the trauma of infidelity. So, I think it is best that your W stops being centre stage and you start to take an 'I love you but I love me more' perspective - focusing on your own growth and leaving her to the life she has chosen just now.
If she becomes single again - you could consider at that point whether you want her in your life again, given the poor choices she has been making lately. I think we all start at the point of desperately wanting the R back. However, it is important to ask ourselves why we do so desperately want that - and it is normally something (codependency for example?) we need to address within ourselves first and foremost.
I'm sorry if any of this sounds a little harsh - it isn't intended that way - but I do think it's important to protect and look after ourselves and focus on our own growth and knowledge - ahead of wanting the possible R with WAS again.
Do take care and I hope you have a good weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
