It was a tough day because I caught some stomach flu bug (D5 had it over the weekend) but I made it through the work day and got home before all of the girls. I laid down because I was running a fever and my head and stomach were screaming at me. I dozed off for a few minutes and then I was awakened to WAW and D17 screaming and arguing with each other. They went from room to room and so I heard bits and pieces, but I heard WAW telling D17 that it is not her fault and I heard D17 say that her mom told her it was her fault for her relationship with her dad, and her mom said no, it is his fault that he is manipulating you etc. This went on for 20 minutes or so, and I would have just went outside, but I was not feeling well enough to move barely. Then I heard my D17 say things like she does want to even be alive because she will be alone, because she does not have any friends and the 2 people that she trusts are not going to be together again she just does not want to even exist. This is when I sat up and wanted to go in and stop the argument, but I decided to let them try and get through it. I laid back down as the room started swirling. Not a good time for being sick to say the least.
Then a few minutes later I heard the door swing open and WAW flipped on the light and said, "Did you hear that?" I sat up slowly and said I heard some of it. She then said she wants to stay with you because she is afraid that you will kill yourself. I was caught off guard with that comment and did not know what to say. I then said, What? What are you talking about? She then stated, you have trapped me here for 10 years because I am always afraid you would hurt yourself if I left, and now your daughter thinks the same thing. I asked where are you getting this from? You are not making any sense with the ongoing accusations of things that I have done. She then began to scream at me for many things that I can't recall and even got right up into my face as I sat there trying to compute all of the things she was saying. She screamed that I needed to act like man and stop doing all of these things and quit acting depressed. She was shaking and raising her arms at me and I responded in surprise, are you going to hit me or something. This appeared to catch her off guard and she backed up. I then told her that I am meeting with an IC, a coach and our Bishop each week to work on my issues and to focus on being a better man, father and husband. I said that I understand that I have hurt you in ways that I never intended, and that no matter what the list of things are that you have created, but not shared, I have identified a much longer list that I do not want to repeat. I asked her to just listen to her daughter and acknowledge what she says and needs and be cautious in telling her what to do to avoid damaging the relationship through arguments when things are said that may not be meant. She seemed to calm down and even sat down on the bed next to me and lowered her voice and spoke with me in a rational manner.
Side note, my daughter has suffered with depression and social anxiety for many years and has been working with me on these things. My WAW has expressed that she believes our daughter is that way because of me. In my sessions with the IC I am learning things about this that I wish I would have known years ago, but as I have stated earlier in this thread, my wife and her family look down on these types of thoughts and do not think that depression and other mental illnesses are real so to speak. Also a few weeks before the BD I recall my W bringing up in a random conversation that she remembered a time that she thought I was going to hurt myself after an argument 10 years prior. My reaction was a bit surprised and I kind of blew it off, but I did ask, what are you talking about. She stated that I had gone into our bedroom at the time and locked the door and she knew that I had some guns stored in the room. I said I have gone in the other room on many occasions out of frustration, but the thought of harming myself has never come to mind. She replied that she thought I was going to do something harmful. She has now brought this same incident several times since the BD. Is she rewriting history here?
I shared some minimum information related to what I have recently learned and encouraged my wife to at least look into it so that she may understand where her daughter is coming from. She agreed that she would look into it.
She left a couple of hours to go to a church thing. But her comments about my daughters fear that I would harm myself bothered me so I wanted to understand if my D17 was feeling that way. I asked her if there was something I had done or said that made her feel that I would harm myself. D17 responded no. I asked if she had said that she was afraid that I would, she said no. She said that she had talked about being worried or herself that she would "fall in a pit of despair" This is a term my D17 has used for many years when she felt depressed. She then said that she expressed to her mom that she worried about me falling in that pit as well, but she has never worried about me harming myself.
I know this may not have been a good approach, but I asked my wife about this, this morning and she got defensive when I mentioned I had spoken with our D17. Then I asked her to be cautious with this ongoing accusation as there is no basis whatsoever, and can only cause un needed issues for many people if she continues to say this.
My questions or requests for advice, here are based on I know not to believe anything WAW says and only half of what she does, but it is a challenge when these types of accusations are made and when it involves dragging my D17 into the middle of it. And who knows who else she says this to.
Also any tips not to get caught into the things she says as she rewrites history are appreciated.
Thank you all for listening as I write out and work to keep the sanity.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I agree and desperately am trying to do so. That is until the WAW confronts me and takes me to task on the arguments and accusations. Then I get a little off track because of the anger she demonstrates.
Any good tips for that? I need any tips I can get, because I am like a rabid bear when it comes to protecting my baby girls. I just never thought it would be against the anger of my WAW. And she knows the buttons to push as she is blaming everything on me when her pretty dream of leaving gets marked up a bit. Even when it is not me doing the marking.
Your support has really helped me and I appreciate your ongoing checking in on me.
Thank you so much.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Your WW may be setting you up, and this ranting of hers is out of control.
You are handling this very well indeed.
If you can record WW and her rants please do so. I found that my recordings really helped when my WH tried a bait and switch on me. I was believed.
If you have weapons in the home is there any where else they could be placed outside the home?
Can you avoid private conversations with your WW?
Be very careful waywards in this mood set can triangulate authorities with fake accusations of abuse and her descriptions that you may want to harm yourself are indicative of manipulation.
I am minded of Mustardseed and her WH and I don't like this very much at all.
Be very careful and calm. Buttons out of press reach no matter what. Walkway and STFU. Also cease drinking around WW too.
I am unsurprised your D17 wants to stay with dad.
I have mentioned hugs haven't I?
Very important for Ds and dads.
I love the star inside you message.
Sadhub, can I recommend Joe's thread to you? This is a dad who went above and beyond to stabilise life for his kids. Schermann was another poster who you might enjoy.
I will keep posting to you Sadhub through this tough time.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Any advice how to validate when speaking about things related to divorce. Wants divorce, but financial benefits of being married. Wants 50/50 parenting but wants 6 weeks of vacation time as she is a teacher and knows I don't have that much vacation time available. I am struggling to keep it together because she keeps hitting with all the button pushing and now claims I am ruining my family life because I advised her that an inheritance I received a year ago should not be divided in the community assets. I am advised to protect me and my kids, but then in doing so I give more fuel for the fire. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. ugh.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Understood. One thing that I want to make clear to all newcomers is this: Don't put much stock into how you FEEL. They are not a good compass to use to make decisions. Furthermore, don't believe too much of the THOUGHTS your brain is generating. Those are just reflections of your feelings.
The only thing you can hold on to right now are your BELIEFS. Your beliefs about marriage, your beliefs about what a man should do, your belief in God. That is it.
It's ok to talk about your feelings here, it can be therapeutic and healing, and it's essential to your growth as they will reveal outlooks that might not serve you well. But don't act on them.
My motto is I don't care how you feel, I care how you ACT. Keep your feelings to yourself at home, and regardless of how good or bad you feel, ACT consistently and in line with your BELIEFS.
I too often get caught in my feelings not only in my relationships, but in life. My WAW has decided to divorce me and yet I get caught up in my feelings before and after every conversation because I feel that I am trying to please her first and defend myself and my rights as a father second. She blamed me for wanting the inheritance that by state law is not community property, would hurt my kids future because she would not be able to buy a house for them. I am setting a goal to stop this. I can no longer let her feelings of disappointment in decisions that I need to make because she is divorcing me cloud my judgement. I have to make the feelings of doing right by everyone else sit to the side and focus on my beliefs about marriage, family, God and doing what is right as a good honest and service focused man. Divorce was not my choice and yet I have to make difficult decisions for my children future and mine. I do not have to make decisions just so that she can feel happy and pat me on the back for doing it her way. Thank you Zeus126 for sharing this with Lostman so that I could also have an opportunity to view it.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Vanilla you are a ray of sunshine in your posts for me with ideas and your support. Have I said thank you? Well, Thank you times a million.
I will have to get a recording device. That is a good idea under the circumstances.
I will start avoiding the private conversations. Those are my fault as I want to shield my girls from this, but I may just need to have the L talk from here out, even though she has dragged her feet on that. I have tried to remain true to being open and honest with the WAW, but I am now seeing, that my W of 19 years is not the WAW of the past couple of months.
I will look for Mustardseeds thread. All the advice and ideas I can get is going to help me.
I will focus a ton on keeping the buttons about of reach and fortunately I do not drink or take any substance, so no problems there.
Thank you again and again V for your support and regular check ins with me.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
