Need Help

[Zues126]

OK, didn't take me long to have some opinions

Thanks Gr8Dad and Zues. Can't tell you how much I truly appreciate the support.

You got it.

Yesterday was a rough day. There was nothing in particular that W did or that I did that made it rough. I was just sad and wanted my W back.

Understood. One thing that I want to make clear to all newcomers is this: Don't put much stock into how you FEEL. They are not a good compass to use to make decisions. Furthermore, don't believe too much of the THOUGHTS your brain is generating. Those are just reflections of your feelings.

The only thing you can hold on to right now are your BELIEFS. Your beliefs about marriage, your beliefs about what a man should do, your belief in God. That is it.

It's ok to talk about your feelings here, it can be therapeutic and healing, and it's essential to your growth as they will reveal outlooks that might not serve you well. But don't act on them.

My motto is I don't care how you feel, I care how you ACT. Keep your feelings to yourself at home, and regardless of how good or bad you feel, ACT consistently and in line with your BELIEFS.

Got home and enjoyed dinner as a family. After putting kids to bed, W and I watched some TV together and she snuggled into me. I had my arms around her and she held my hand. She cuddled with me in bed as well, but I screwed up and let her see that I wanted to ML. We didn't, but we did cuddle which is progress.

This last sentence shows an outlook that isn't accurate or helpful. The idea that this is progress. It seems reasonable enough, and a lot of people fall for this. They think that Divorce is on one side, Marriage is on the other, and therefor actions that seem like a married couple would take are good, and actions towards divorce like separating finances are bad.

This ISN'T THE CASE.

For example, if WW expresses she isn't committed to the M, treats you hot/cold, won't commit to a transparency plan...ok, it is what it is, you can't control her. But for you to then take the crumbs she throws your way as "a step in the right direction" would be inaccurate. See, in this case you would be ENABLING her, and essentially endorsing her decisions.

In some cases it makes sense to draw BOUNDARIES, tell her that since she isn't committed to the marriage and has broken your boundary of inviting a 3rd party into your lives, you can't live like this, and you refuse to support it. In some of these cases it may make sense to refuse emotional intimacy, and to separate finances and let her pay her own phone bill, etc.

Can you see how this might actually show her you are a strong man unwilling to accept crumbs, let her realize there might be consequences for her actions, and give her a chance to realize you won't be her plan B? You can't make her hit rock bottom or wake up, but you can certainly prevent any chance of this happening with enabling behavior.

I'm not suggesting you go do all of this today. I just want you to see how sometimes things that look like they are "progress" might not be, and things that seem like they are "hurting" in terms of how she reacts might actually be helping.

Today will be better. I feel good this morning and know that I am working on myself and getting myself in a better place. I WILL NOT PURSUE TODAY!!!!

Good. Again, this is an ACTION. I don't care how you feel, I care how you ACT. You can control this.

Beating a dead horse here, but to drive it home...she had an A because her FEELINGS > BELIEFS. If you allow your feelings (desire to be close) to trump your beliefs (knowledge that it's destructive for your marriage) then you are operating in the same dysfunctional way she is. How can you expect her to act with character if you can't? How can you expect her to let go of other man if you can't let go of her? Act with the character you wish she had. BE A LEADER.

That is by far my biggest problem. I am so torn because I was neglectful and inattentive in the past which led to her resentfulness.

No excuses. DB is the path. Read all of Sandi's talks about the WW. Now is not the time to be the weak, clingy, begging, pursuing super husband. Here and there when she starts R talks to temp check you can validate and express regret at the things you did wrong. But don't you dare use this as an excuse to follow your feelings. Remember, thoughts are just rationalizations to do what you feel like. Don't do it. Follow the advice here.

I have no idea if she is communicating with OM still. If I find out that she is, I will react differently than I did in the past, but I also am working on building trust by not snooping. This is just such a disaster.

Sandi nailed it. For you to try to persuade her that you're a new man by not taking appropriate precautions when your marriage is threatened is not going to work. In fact, trying to show her you're a new man is a form of pursuing. STOP IT. Just be the man you know you are supposed to be, and if she sees it or not, whatever.

Look. If your W was upset because you had a loaded gun in your bed stand, and she didn't feel safe, and nagged you about it. But then one day a man broke into your home and was attacking your wife with a knife. Would that be the time to tell her, "Gee honey, I guess I'll get rid of my gun"? NO!

Other Man is a predator, and other men are threatening your household, your marriage, and your family. A MAN stands up for his family, and for his marriage. That doesn't mean you 'fight' in the sense of being enraged, controlling, or threatening. It does mean you emotionally detach, set some boundaries for yourself, and stick to them...regardless of how you feel.


You're a good man fighting a good fight. Now be a good man and build the strength to do what's right, not what leads to conflict avoidance. You can do this. Keep posting.