Getting out of in house S (8)

[otw]

Glad you had a good day

I have a lot of time with W currently and not easy to live in the moment and not worry or mind read. But i notice when I do I am almost positive she sees it. Heck I see it and we have a great time together.

[vise82]

Hey

We were fostering small rodents over the last couple of months. I did post about it, it was W idea and we as a family were involved in playing with them. Well everyone lost interest except me, I was cleaning the cage and had to remind W to clean it also. There was a lot of cleaning. Well W decided that unless I wanted to adopt them they should go back.

It was too much work to do on my own so I agreed to bring them back.

I don't know what that is all about. Why does she get all worked up about getting them only to just one day decide no one is interested in them let return them.

Sound all to familiar. I didn't want them because W is giving me the Dog in the S. The two do not mix well. Even the dog, it was what she wanted and I dint want, she used inheritance money to buy the dog. The dog treats her bad, but he also did me before I took him to training for months. But she doesn't want the dog and does not like the dog. I am not going to say not to taking the dog, but I thought she would want him, even more so that he is trained now. But the dog does not listen to her, and I guess she is not interested in doing the work to earn the respect of the dog like I did.

W told me that the invite to her place on Friday is off the table, she just said she doesn't want me to bring the kids to her place on Friday as she is just signing papers and doing quick measurements with her parents there.

I think she doesn't want me talking to her parents. This sunday I am doing nothing as there is a break in my GAL soccer and they are celebrating MIL birthday. They would invite me if they knew I was doing nothing.

I feel like I am not fighting enough for this MR, that with all this not inviting me to things I am not protesting enough. This Friday there is no reason why I couldn't bring the kids to see the place.

I just feel like she is isolating me from her family to justify her actions. If they seen us on a normal day they would see that we do function well together. That we interact like normal for the most part.

She doesn't even want me to mention that she is going to her new place tonight to the kids.

This brings up the issue about her brothers wedding. I am still mad about not going. Before BD when I was going she was bringing her best friend to look after the kids at the hotel so that we could have fun at the reception part. Well now I am not invited but her best friend is still going. I could mention that in the S agreement I have first right to look after the kids if she is getting someone else to look after the kids for more them four hours.

I don't want to go just to look after the kids. Its just at our wedding it was this big deal to not invite my parent because of a lawsuit they put on me. What did I do that she has to go to the length of not inviting me. It just stings. I don't get it. I have mentioned it. I asked if I was going or not, she brushed it off saying its her brother decision.

I just feel like it not W day, I am family, my kids will be there, why am I not invited?

Kids don't know I am not going. I will be telling them I wanted to go but I was not invited. I said the same thing for last sunday dinner.

I guess this follow the two lives theory. That the W at home is different then the W at work or at the in-laws. Out of the house she plays the poor single mom, but at home she is anything but that.

[RAI]

Hey vise,

I just read your whole recent thread. You should re-read Fogg's post from a few pages back. It is really spot-on. Also, Did you read ...? You may benefit from it.

I think you are being manipulated by your W. Every time she throws you a bone or kind word you hold onto the rope even tighter. She is about to, or is already, dating!!! she has moved on. The acts of kindness are meant to lessen her own guilt, temp check, and/or to keep you from dropping the rope.

You need to drop the rope. It is consuming you. Until you S, she still has you in her grasp. Things are pretty cushy for her right now. Nice new car, nice clothes, losing weight, a job - and you there for her. maybe you should be a bit of a pr**k. You are not going to nice her back. What loss has she felt so far that will shock her back into reality?

Also you only have one family. Right now you have no contact with them. Why? Because you are afraid it will upset your W, who is walking all over you. Perhaps this whole ordeal was placed in your path to bring you closer to your family or to force you to reconcile with them.

Why does she get to control the sale of the house? Why can't you sell it? Or at least make the final decision on the matter?

I'm sorry this is so rambling, but I get a sense that you have completely lost yourself in your W's crazy, and I did not know where to start. I am going through in house S, so I sympathize. I am civil, and I say please and thank you. I never turn down a chance to be with kids, and I respond to W when it involves kids, but other than that it is NC.

I am just trying to provoke you to think about who you are and who you want to be. You deserve much much much better. I am sorry you are going through this.

RAI

[vise82]

Hey RAI,

Good to hear from you.

I re read FOGG's post, Yes I need to stop looking for every little sign as her maybe wanting to R. I find it hard to realize that she could be dating. I have thought about it and with me not snooping and her erasing text messages when I did. I have no way to know if she is not talking to another man. I do know her friend is trying to set her up with a guy that was the best man in her friends wedding. With living together she calls to tell me she is going to be late a couple of minute and when she will be home. I have seen she is now a club member for Victoria Secret as it came in the mail.

This is too much for me to realize unless I have straight out proof. The pain is to much to take for something I cant know for sure. This is why I choose to believe she is not dating.

Is it the best choice? I an reading into your response no.

On of the loses she has felt is me not going to her family events. But now I don't know if that is a loss to her as she is not inviting me to family events.

So for me being a prikc, wont that just justify her S?

As for the house its sold. I tried to hold out for as long as I could but she lawyered up and was playing the I will take you to court card.

You make some good points about my family. I was part of W family but with not being invited I guess that was only by W approval.

My friend asked mr if W knew that I was talking to him. No she doesn't. I could only come up that I have a lot to lose right now If she found out as the S agreement is not signed. But I felt bad even saying that. I don't know if its true, but I do know that W is happier if I don't talk to anyone that has nay connection to my family.

Yes I have lost some of myself and have found other parts.

I don't want to get hurt. But I also don't want to be payed with. I don't know If W is playing nice with me or if it is sincer.

I feel like asking her if there is another man. To have a R talk. to find out where she stands right now. Is she looking to date after moving out?

It questions that send me spinning a little.

W has emailed me to remind me not to tell the kids that she is going to the her new house tonight. She doesn't want them there.

Now I am thinking why not who is going to be there really?

I was stressed out with the sitch yesterday, just tired of W calling and asking for me to look after the kids while she goes her and there and picks up this. She get home and I tell her I was going to pick something up and she expected me to pick up S7 but it would have been tight for time to do that. I got frustrated and just said forget it I will go another time. We both ended up going together to pick up S7, s4 was with us.

But still I am trying my best to get through this all the while keeping the hope that she is being truthful to me. That the S is the best chance for us.

[Vapo]

You need to get your head out of your ass and ASAP. She fcuckin' fired you!!! What don't you get?!? You are concerned you are not pleading enoug to get invites? Are you kidding me? You need to grow a pair. No amount of groveling will get your W back. No amount of asskissing will get her back, even if you stood on your head, drinking a glass of water while gurgling Yellow rose of Texas will not get her back. It just makes you look pathetic. Pathetic and weak.

You need to get a life outside the sight of your W. Try contacting your family, can it really get worse than it is now? Your W is playing you for a sucker. It is plain for everyone else to see but you. I understand you, I really do, but until you start having some more respect for yourself, no one else will treat you with respect.

So head out of our ass and onwards and forwards...

[vise82]

Hey Vapo,

I am waking up everyday and keeping it together. My Life as I know it is crumbling around me. I am doing my best to stay afloat. I find it is a fragile balance so yes for some stuff I have my head in my ass.

I am getting over the fact that all my neighbors know now. That the house has sold and that I am day by day trying to get to my new house on my own and I should be able to breathe and not worry what I do or say that might not be DBing.

I am not pleading about invites, I asked once if I was getting an invite because I need to know for work. I have not asked since. I talk about it on here because it bothers me and it is an issue for me. Better here then to my W.

The contacting my family I guess is an option but also a door I cant close once it open.

I am trying to be my best self, Live for the moments. Good moments add up to great memories. I am almost getting to a place that my limit is not getting invited to the wedding,. That if I am not invited how can she expect me to have any type of R with her. Not inviting me, it to me the biggest slap in the face right now. Its one thing to say hey we need to have a S. I need to have space to save our MR. To give it a chance we need to S.

Its another thing to say you are not my family and I am excluding you from this wedding and every person that is invited to the wedding means more to us than you do.

Maybe I have it all wrong today. maybe I have been doing it wrong all along. Maybe I cant think straight. I will have to see what tomorrow brings.

[Vapo]

I am getting over the fact that all my neighbors know now. That the house has sold and that I am day by day trying to get to my new house on my own and I should be able to breathe and not worry what I do or say that might not be DBing.

I know you feel less of a man because you got dumped, I've been there. It is not your fault. It is all her.

I am not pleading about invites, I asked once if I was getting an invite because I need to know for work. I have not asked since. I talk about it on here because it bothers me and it is an issue for me. Better here then to my W.

Vent away buddy... Talking about it helps and these boards are a life saver...

The contacting my family I guess is an option but also a door I cant close once it open.

You closed it once, you can close it again if need be... You need people in your corner and it seems to me you are lacking support (except for us, we're here for you).

That if I am not invited how can she expect me to have any type of R with her. Not inviting me, it to me the biggest slap in the face right now. Its one thing to say hey we need to have a S. I need to have space to save our MR. To give it a chance we need to S.

Where did she say she wants a relationship with you? If she wanted a relationship with you, she would not have left... You need to let her go, only then will there be an off chance she will come back. Drop the rope, start living, do not put your life on hold...

Its another thing to say you are not my family and I am excluding you from this wedding and every person that is invited to the wedding means more to us than you do.

Maybe I have it all wrong today. maybe I have been doing it wrong all along. Maybe I cant think straight. I will have to see what tomorrow brings.

Your kids are your family, soon you will realize that you will be OK, even if she does not return and that is such a liberating feeling. You will get there, do not worry. But again, you have to let her go. Do not believe anything she says, reread Sandi's rules, they are golden. How is your GAL, what are you doing for you? You need to relearn to love yourself. You have to be the most important person in your life...

[RAI]

Wow, Vapo! I thought I was harsh
Seriously though, Vise. What we are saying is coming from a place of caring and love. Believe me, we are all struggling along with you. I usually have much more clarity about other DBer's sitchs than my own (unfortunately, it is easier to give advice than to take it).

The bottom line is, until you 1) drop the rope, 2) stop worrying about what your W is doing 3) expect nothing from your W, and 4) begin focusing on yourself, you are not going to grow into the Man (capital M) you are destined to be. Why do you care so much about this wedding? My bet is that you are feeling unloved. So love yourself. Give love to others who appreciate it and want to reciprocate. Stop wasting time hoping your wife will reciprocate. She won't.

I never knew how painful emotional pain could be until after I found out about WWs A. I know how painful things are for you. There were times I wanted to die, so I would not have to feel the pain. But I am fortunate to have an amazing family who smack me back into reality when I lose perspective like this. We don't know why we are going through this, but if you gain nothing from the experience, then it will have been a meaningless waste of time. Instead, try to figure out what is being asked of you and rise to the occasion. YOU are putting up your own obstacles to your progress, NOT YOUR WIFE.

On of the loses she has felt is me not going to her family events. But now I don't know if that is a loss to her as she is not inviting me to family events.

Not much of a loss, then. Your W is cake eating.

So for me being a prikc, wont that just justify her S?

I don't give a flying cr*p about her reason for S. You shouldn't either. There is no justification that will satisfy your curiosity. Don't waste time trying to make sense of it. She is S, does it matter why anymore?

but I do know that W is happier if I don't talk to anyone that has nay connection to my family.

why are you so obsessed with your Ws happiness? If, today, you met a woman who acts like your W is acting, you wouldn't come near her with a 10-foot pole.

Yes I have lost some of myself and have found other parts.

what parts?

I don't know If W is playing nice with me or if it is sincer

see previous post, or better yet:

The acts of kindness are meant to lessen her own guilt, temp check, and/or to keep you from dropping the rope.

I feel like asking her if there is another man. To have a R talk. to find out where she stands right now. Is she looking to date after moving out?

Where she stands? for real? She is shouting from the rooftops that she is done with you, and you want to see where she stands? Who cares what she does after moving out. WHO CARES? right now, you care more about your W than yourself. which leads me to the following:

but until you start having some more respect for yourself, no one else will treat you with respect.

^^^^Wish I had said that.

I am doing my best to stay afloat.

You only think you are doing your best. Life is funny in that way. Just when you think you are doing your best, along comes an even harder test. It is like weight lifting. You are building up some serious struggle muscles. You can do this, buddy. You can.

The contacting my family I guess is an option but also a door I cant close once it open.

Not sure what you mean. Please clarify. You are very alone and need support.

That if I am not invited how can she expect me to have any type of R with her.

Please tell me you are not basing your R on whether or not you are invited.

Not inviting me, it to me the biggest slap in the face right now.

Forget the wedding!! My wife had more sympathy for an adopted stray cat that she had to give away than for me. At the time I was really smarting from that - I still feel it some time. But our Ws are crazy right now. If someone in a psychiatric hospital called you an idiot, would it bother you? Our wives are completely irrational now and doing whatever it takes to justify of their actions and beliefs.

Its one thing to say hey we need to have a S. I need to have space to save our MR. To give it a chance we need to S.

Your W will say whatever it takes to achieve her aims. She cannot be trusted. Furthermore, t is not your job to save your MR. It is your job to be the best vise82 you can be. No more, no less.

Its another thing to say you are not my family and I am excluding you from this wedding and every person that is invited to the wedding means more to us than you do.

And if your W is really saying that? then what? does that make you a less valuable person. You are a good soul. A good person. Are you going to let them determine your value?

vise82, I was one of the first people who posted on your thread, way back. I believe in you. I will check in. go out and find your awesome. It is inside of you.

RAI

[otw]

Vise
You are doing fine. I like vapo a lot though!

This is traumatic but you need to be the rock. Stop wallowing in pity. F$&@ her and all that right now.

You can't work on anything right now.

Get out of her way. Hope for best but plan for worst.

[Jb9140]

You guys are [censored] awesome. Sorry vise ,we truly feel your pain. Brutal honesty is hard to swallow sometimes, trust me. Wife moved out today to her own apartment, I'm keeping the house right now. I told her if she wanted out she needed to leave. Well she left. She can't afford the mortgage and she knows it. I'm not helping financially one bit. That being said, trust me every bit of my body is screaming for me to run over to her apartment and beg and plead for her to come back. But as its already been said "she fired me as her husband". And wants nothing to do with me. Will this change by me DB , who knows. One thing I do know is I'm tired of regretting the past and being scared as hell of the future. All we truly have is today, so get busy living.