Hi all. Thanks so much for the advice Just a few thoughts , I'm sure I don't want W back. It's not easy to type that because I loved this lady will all my heart and never thought past US The decision was a bit easier because I do appreciate that I'm not a bad guy. I'm far from perfect , very far in fact but I am one of the good guys like many of the gentlemen on here. I didn't warrant this , W has said so and I know it to be true
I'm not praising myself unduly , I've become a single dad with four kids and a full time job. It's very tough and sometimes it would be great to have someone to share the hard times with but life hasn't worked out that way
The person I believed W to be is gone or was never there , either way she's gone now. I've accepted this and know that I expect people to treat me how I treat them. W did not do this and became a person I would never have been with had I met them before
The reality now is W is no longer W but someone I thought I knew but obviously didn't Accepting this makes moving on much easier Like us all , I deserve someone that wants to be with me and is prepared to work at an R especially when things don't go well.
In my sitch , myself and the kids live in the family home which 50% of belongs to W Legally I cannot stop her coming and going as she pleases and we do have a schedule of sorts. My sons and one of my daughters will not go to Ws flat because of OM. not because he is there when they are but because he is there at other times. My sons would support my asking W to refrain from coming into home but S17 misses her terribly and while he may support me I struggle with asking him to do so. My daughters would also support me but I won't ask that of them as while W left them , I feel it's better W is in their lives as much as possible
I see W once a week when she stays on a Friday night and we do chat. She will call and text most days and I wouldn't feel comfortable stopping that as she appears to be a broken person struggling with her life. I dont get involved in her life and follow DB but for me and not for reconciliation. I think Vanillia is right and some of what I do is pursuing but ( and I hope I'm not fooling myself ) it isn't pursuing in the classic sense. I could list the things I do and say that make it clear to W that the road home is far from smooth and impassable so even if W sees the pursuing as that then it's more than countered by the other side
Eg. W asked what I was doing for S20s , 21st birthday and I made it very clear the family have something planned and she was not part of it. I could give lots of examples of this but I'm comfortable that I make my point almost daily.
This used to be because of my Fear Factor of jumping before I'm pushed ( much like I see Pink doing ) but now it's because I know it couldn't work going forward due to many things but mainly my insecurities I don't think I could ever trust anyone fully again
With the car brake pads , while I offered to fit them that's as far as its gone and I haven't mentioned it again , nor will I until W brings it up.
I often point out to others that while we all feel our sitch is unique , it's not , yes W leaving the kids isn't that common , it does happen It's taken me almost a year and a half to accept what happened but I have now and I feel much more able to deal with it This board, the DB principles and the amazing friends I have made made the journey a million times easier to deal with and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart
Going forward I don't see me changing the dynamic because while W is gone , I still have 10 years + of co parenting to deal with and I will help W were I can If I could have a clean break , I would but that's not possible. I do think I'm gay freind zoned and that's ok because I dont want more
W is here now and she is very sick , she has ulcers in her mouth , her bald spot is bigger than before and she does not seem to be even covering it up. I do fee sorry for her. I look forward to Vanillas guilt thread because I think there is a lot of guilt going on with W I went through my own share of guilt but IC showed me I was not to blame.( completely ).
Sorry for the rambling post but I have been thinking hard about vanillias post to me and her words really hit home. My M is over and has been since BD , I only realised recently. Is another M with W possible , no My boundaries with W are firm in regard to OM and she never mentions him or anything to do with him Her life outside the family is kept separate from myself and the kids and the last time she even mentioned him in passing I asked her to leave that was almost 9 months ago
Vanillia is rift that W does act like she is still M to me and even our neighbours haven't been told she's gone. The next step will be selling the family home and then we can see what that brings
