I got proof of the A and she has admitted the A, so I don't really need more details than that. She does not seem to be talking to OM, but I have no way of knowing because I don't want to snoop. Should I continue to refrain from looking and just be hopeful that she is being honest and not talking to OM?
Okay, forget about the snooping for a minute. She admitted to having an A. What was said after her admission? Did she show remorse for betraying you? Did she say that she would end it immediately?
This is the time you should set a transparency plan in motion. A transparency plan is when the unfaithful spouse agrees to give full access to all messages/activity. No private accounts, etc. The betrayed spouse can look at the phone, email, etc., whenever they choose to see it.....with no scheduled or regular times and with no warnings. The betrayed spouse decides when to look at the messages.....not the wayward spouse. If the unfaithful spouse is not willing and refuses to give full disclosure, then there is a reason he/she wants privacy.
A transparency plan works to help the wayward spouse stick to the straight & narrow road in marriage. It is a plan to help the wayward spouse earn trust from the spouse he/she betrayed. The betrayed spouse can have more assurance whenever he/she can freely look at any & all activity the wayward is doing.
Now, don't be like the guy who waited for his WW to delete all the messages she didn't want revealed. And don't be like another LBH who waited until his WW would quickly check her phone to see if there was something she forgot to delete. Transparency doesn't work that way. If the WW starts talking about how she needs her privacy........you better know right then & there that she has not ended her contacts with the OM.
What really disturbs me about your sitch is how you talk about wanting her to trust you. You have this backward. She is the unfaithful spouse. You are the betrayed spouse. You have said more about "not snooping" than you've said about her A. You are acting as if you are the guilty party and wanting to earn her trust in you. Don't confuse this with you wanting to show how you can change.
You said something about if you discovered an affair, you wanted her to see how you would not react the way you use to react. Has she had any type of an affair in the past? If so, how did you react to it?
I understand if you don't want to know the details, b/c of the emotional number it does to you. I don't think you have to know all the dirty little things that will be forever branded in your brain. Some betrayed spouses want to know, and others don't want to know. Do what is most healthy for you. I just believe whenever an affair is swept under the rug, the problem is not resolved and will rear its ugly head later.
It also concerns me that you may be having sex with her, after discovering an affair.
Quote:
What do I do when she initiates physical intimacy?
Have you ever told her "no" to anything? I'm serious, have you?
A wayward wife cannot be trusted. She has to earn back trust. Transparency helps her show she's not involved in an inappropriate relationship. This takes time.
No matter how much you want to start over and be the perfect H.....her issues still exist and need addressing. This should not be about her feeling she can trust you. What have you done that would make her feel she can't trust you? Let me guess. She turned this around after she knew you snooped, and now she's making it like you are the one who can't be trusted.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
