Who am I and what do I want?

[JGuy]

Hey folks, it's been awhile so time for an update.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have continued to think a lot about what it would really take for this M to work out. My W continues to say that she wants to make it work somehow, but admits she has no idea how. She just wants to forget about the problems, hopeful that the pain might just go away on its own without us having any real conversations about the issues. She admits this probably isn't realistic but this is honestly what she wishes for. The dynamic continues as it always has: Me trying to start conversations and put issues on the table for resolution. Her avoiding and dragging her feet, not participating in the discussion at all. To her credit, she is less evasive than she used to be, and more honest about stating the truth about how she is feeling. This is good and I have told her so. So has the MC. We can only start from where we are at, so honesty and showing up as you are is essential. I can see how she really is doing the best she knows based on who she is and how she was raised. I love her, yet there's so much more I need from her to be able to make it through this together. I have been facing that more squarely now and it's been really difficult.

We were gradually getting more intimate with each other again, cuddling kissing etc. and last week we had sex. This was the first time since the BD in November. It happened from a place where both of us were A) missing each other, and B) wanting to be experimental, try anything to see if it helps. It was really nice and I think we both enjoyed it, but it still had the same old feeling of imbalance where I was initiating everything and she didn't seem to be 100% present or into it. Despite enjoying it, I was left with the feeling that things had not fundamentally changed in the way I would need them to in order to feel secure. In the days that followed, it brought up a lot of old feelings about the affairs which I thought I had overcome. I started feeling all the pain again, the rejection and abandonment. The images in my mind of her with the OM. I needed way more reassurance and more evidence that she really wants me. That something fundamental has changed.

Last Saturday we had a conversation where I expressed how I was feeling, and I revealed this need for reassurance. In that conversation, she went silent like she always has done in the past whenever there's conflict. I didn't get any response from her at all, other than her withdrawing and needing to be alone. The next night we talked again and the same thing happened. I told her about how I really don't blame her, but for this to work for me I would need her to be an active participant by showing up in these conversations. I had been doing a lot of thinking about everything and I had identified a number of areas where we are not aligned with each other. For starters, I want a R in which the love is a priority and we both have the desire to push through the difficult issues together. She wants a R in which it's all easy and she doesn't have to get out of her comfort zone. She wants someone who will just accept her as she is without wanting anything more. Obviously, this misalignment is a problem and this R cannot recover unless we resolve it. When I put it this way, she got overwhelmed and silent.

That night, with her there, I removed my ring. I told her that it was to symbolize the fact that as things stand, I have no choice but to give up. That unless we can face these issues and both have a desire to seek alignment, there really isn't any way that it can work out.

Monday morning, her ring was off too. But then on Tuesday she put it back on again after she had an IC session. We then had an MC session together on Wednesday. I prepared for that session carefully my writing down the main issues that would need to be resolved in order for me to feel like there is hope. I presented those issues to her in front of the MC. The MC confirmed that they were all valid issues. She also pointed out that my W is working hard on herself. We acknowledged the large chasm between us and we were able to do so without any blame, only sadness. By the end of the session it seemed more certain that we were weren't going to be able to make it work.

For the last two days I have been in a lot of pain, feeling the sadness of what it will mean to really end our M. Not sure why I would wait and continue hoping any longer. I have to value myself enough to stay firm in knowing what I would need from her in order for this to work, and I have to genuinely respect her choice. If she doesn't want to or simply cannot meet me there, then that may not be her fault. Maybe we are just a bad match for each other and that doesn't mean that anyone is to blame. But it's just really sad. I'm on the edge of the cliff now... looking over the edge, afraid to jump.