V is such a smart pickle. I was actually waiting her post for you because I feel I am kind of stuck too.
I also do all this things. Kind of try to be a little more on track with boundaries and then I give up on them since my biggest desire is that XH will see me, my changes and maybe, just maybe he will turn his head to my side.
I know it is hard to face reality (at least for me it is very hard) but I struggle to let go. To just take that person from my life. Wake up every day and be independent, disconnected.
I am also quite sure it is a process and we will eventually get to that point were we no longer need the connection.
For me, the "family" is something still stuck in my head and I have a great pain every time I think my is a broken one. I keep wondering that if XH could at least think about us as a family and review what he is doing, that maybe we could rescue what was lost.
Well, I have been learning through trial that it is not helping to just hang in there. We do this things about not calling, never start contact, never ask for anything, be out of their way, let them live their lives. But in the same time we are there, just waiting for them to come back.
And the worse, is that they know exactly what we want. I know it is not a health way to think about your partner, and that they seem like making sense for themselves, but the truth is that they didn't move forward besides living the M, the family, the house, the responsibilities. They struggle to get their life in a good and right direction. What is obvious that they are in confusion mode for quite a while.
The reason I wrote in my thread that I am dealing a lot with my "Fear fact" is exactly because of what V mention in her answer. I let the fear of losing a family to take over the good work I should be doing in detaching further from XH.
I see the same happening to you lovely. I do not think it is a problem with you, I actually think that it is admirable. You are a family man and have strong values related to it.
Maybe it would help to review your goals, get a piece of paper and set some strategies. Set some goals to what to do next and what you want to accomplish with that move.
This way you may be helping yourself to detach further and feel a little better. V and Sotto are totally right about too much contact, too much freedom to someone that left you and her family.
Then you think about the kids and that's were I struggle too. My kids are older and sometimes they just open the door and invite XH in. It gets awkward to ask him to leave or wait outside.
Maybe you could talk to the kids. Like a family meeting to find out what is their opinion about this. You can explain your side, say that you care deeply for your WW, but that in the same time you need some space to get your life together as it is right now.
Our kids are struggling too, but you may be surprised that they too need some space and time to adjust to their new reality. You may be surprise how much clear they are about boundaries. I guess it happen because they already deal with a number of boundaries determined by us parents, so this is still a normal way of life for them. What for us is a new thing after so many years being the boss of our own lives.
RD, it is painful no matter what we do. If we run away then it will hurt because we will think we could do more. If we stay close, then it hurt because it is so close and yet so far.
I am learning a great deal of "emotional balance". I say I am learning because I did not have it before. I let my emotions to play big time in different directions before.
Now, I need to think about what is best for me, for my kids, and balance all that with the DB rules in a hope to save a family we care so dearly.
And it is true. This balance comes with us having an adult life. It is quite wonderful to do things with the kids and it is a great GAL. But it needs to be balance with the RD "man" life too. At first it feels like wrong, then it feels empty, then it start shaping up with new subjects, new stuff to do. Then it slowly makes us a little happier to meet with friends, talk about adult stuff.
It's a slow process and it will only happen if you take the first step forward. Once you do, you will find out that there is a lot more of RD to be discovered, there is a lot more of RD to be proud, loved, encouraged that life is indeed a good thing.
This is just my opinion and I say this sitting in the same hot stool. I have been dealing with the same and I think that V, Sotto, Job and others have a very good advice on detachment.
Let us know what is your take on this, I am very interested in your opinion too since it is directly related to my sitch as well.
By the way, S21 and I were picking up a pizza at "Pizza Hut" and we met an Irish young man from Dublin. Loved his accent. He explained that most Irish have a high pitch accent and his is a little different because it is quite low pitch. He tough I was from Russia or Ukraine by my accent. It was lovely.
RD, I care deeply for you and I want to see you happy. Love, Anjo
