Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

I'm not sure where I am on this journey.
I've gotten better at not thinking of H all day every day.
I'm not sitting around having a pity party all day.
I'm not focusing so much on what I've lost/ will be losing as I was.
I'm too busy (in a good way) making my life and attempting a future. That great unknown is looming in front of me and I'm feeling calm (ish) and slightly excited, yet still a little sad and worried around the edges.
I am concerned for my H and still love him very much, but I look at him and sometimes wonder who this man is sitting in front of me. Not my rock. Not that morally upright, thought of becoming a pastor, former Eagle Scout. Not the man who would light up and call me (pet name) in an excited happy voice and enclose me in a bear hug. Not the man that taught me how to handle finances and spending. That taught me about the stock market. That helped me build our dream home. That raised two beautiful daughters as a firm, but loving and fun father with me. That was soooo responsible and yet, laid back and fun. Who is this man I see now?

I see a man who suddenly looks older than he is.
I see a man who is throwing himself into intense 12+ hour work days and is exhausted.
I see a man that now turns to me with questions about our finances.
I hear a man who doubts his past decisions (that he was sooo sure of) more and more.
I see and hear a man who has created a large debt load and is worried about paying this year's taxes.
Who sees no end to his exhausting work schedule.
Who is confused by seemingly simple things.
Who seems to be alternately pushing his family away and trying to pull them close.
I see a man who doesn't quite know how to act around the woman he has been married to for 26 years. Sometimes treating me like a burden, sometimes a rival, sometimes a friend, sometimes an advisor, and sometimes like a potential girlfriend on a first date.

Our house will be on the market probably by next week. He is trying to make sure that I am "set up" by letting me keep whatever we get from the sale of it. I think that is to appease his guilt.

For the first time, he asked me, "what are you going to do with your life?" He really does seem to have created this story in his head that he has made me unhappy because I was stuck in a marriage with someone I didn't like. And now he is setting me free because that will make me happy. And that will give him a chance at happiness because I didn't like him and he felt bad about always hurting me. That's his story.

His hurting me was because he realized he could never make me happy because I didn't like him, so he gave up and decided to make himself happy despite how it affected me. Those are his words.

Unfortunately, I was co-dependent and in love with him and ever so oblivious to his inner thoughts. I was happy before he started trying to "make himself happy".

Now I'm working on trying to make myself happy without him. I'm getting there. He just keeps popping up in his various forms while we go through the D. It makes it harder to detach, but not impossible.