Focus on doing more of what is working and less of what isn't working. The tricky part is not to get off track. Don't take the bait! Seems like she tried to get you going when she mentioned that her rings make her angry right before the two of you were meeting with friends last night.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Thanks Cristy. I feel very fortunate to have found this community. Instead of talking to her, I have a place to go to get stronger and understand things.
I am actually proud of how I handled the ring talk. I'm ok with her not wanting to wear them. If things end with us, I will not be happy about it, but I will be ok. If after accepting both of our failures and deciding we want to make it work, then I would be happy to get new rings (for me too) as a statement that this is something new.
She said last night that she would not be ok with me finding someone else. I just left it open ended. That's not what I WANT, but the reality is that I would move on in my life if my W doesn't want to reconcile.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
Made it through another day. Overall, yesterday was positive. We did text some (nothing about R) and she was the initiator. I didn't immediately respond to every text she sent. At one point she sent the following:
"I'm finally feeling like we are moving the the direction we always have wanted to...I feel like for the first time in forever I see a happy light of a very long tunnel"
She is looking for a new job and I helped her with her resume. She got some positive feedback on Monday/Tuesday and I know that she is getting positive feelings from that. I honestly am happy for her because she has been "stuck" at her job for a long time now. I did not really acknowledge the text above or jump to take it as she now sees a future with me in it. However, it did feel good to know she said we and wasn't afraid at what I might take from that.
We had a nice evening talking and drinking some wine with dinner after the kids went to sleep. I screwed up a bit (liquid courage I suppose) and pursued ML when we went to bed. She didn't show interest and I quickly stopped pursuing. I didn't show rejection/hurt feeling though which I will take as a positive from me since I would have clearly shown sadness at that just a couple weeks ago.
I won't be pursuing at all today....
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
One time she doesn't respond to you kissing her....and the next time she starts kissing you. One time she initiates sex....and the next time she rejects you. There is a reason she does it.
Quote:
I tried to play it cool, but I am sure she could see through it. She has taken off her engagement/wedding rings and said she would have put them on if I wanted her to for the dinner. I said that I didn't care. She then said the rings make her angry and if we work it out she doesn't know if she wants to wear them
Maybe it's b/c we are women seeing what another woman is doing, but Christy called it right. This thing about the rings was bait she used. When she made that last statement, she was trying to pull you in to another R talk. I think she was checking to see if she still held you in the palm of her hand. She had detected you not being so needy and pursuing, so this is was her way of checking your relationship temperature. Trust me, this had absolutely nothing to do about rings.
Next time she does something like this, don't tell her you are going to buy her new ones! Just don't give her the satisfaction of giving that type of bait a response at all.....or either say, "That's fine, do whatever you want". Be nonchalant and let her wonder what's going through your thoughts. She will, more than likely, do a lot of temp checks.
Don't feel bad, though, most of the LBH'S who first arrived, don't see the temp checks for what they truly are. You will learn to recognize them. WW's are very manipulative. She isn't sure if she wants to remain in the MR, but she wants to know that you are still available as her backup plan. So, she will temp check to see if you still show signs you want to save the M. She does this by baiting you into arguing for the M. If that doesn't work, then she can always use sex.
When you are initiating the kisses, or wanting to ML...........then that tells her you are still there as her backup plan. She can reject you, b/c she clearly sees you still want the R. However, when you don't pursue, cater to her, or initiate physical affection.......then she initiates the kissing and ML, b/c that is her way of assuring herself she holds you in the palm of her hand (backup plan).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the help Sandi. I have been reading many of your threads about WWs and definitely am learning.
2 questions:
I am not snooping as much because it is terrible for me. I cannot handle the anxiety that comes with it and I turn into a complete mess. I got proof of the A and she has admitted the A, so I don't really need more details than that. She does not seem to be talking to OM, but I have no way of knowing because I don't want to snoop. Should I continue to refrain from looking and just be hopeful that she is being honest and not talking to OM?
What do I do when she initiates physical intimacy?
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
Questions for sandi2 or any other WAW/WW. What kind of support group did you have and what were the pictures that you painted of the LBH? Not sure why I ask, but I am struggling to comprehend how just a few months ago I lived with what I thought was a loving wife, and now she finds anger in everything I do or do not do.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Hi Lostman, sorry to hear of your trouble. You sound like a very decent and caring man. All marriages loose their spark in time so never beat yourself up about it.
In response to your question (and I'm no expert and in fact a newbie on the board), but if it were me I would refuse sex until you have a sense of confidence in a renewed marriage. Perhaps this means going to MC. I would also want to know every detail about the A and plan how to prevent her falling into that trap in the future. I also wouldn't sleep with my W if she had an affair until I feel the pain it has caused me was healed. I feel if I just slept with her, it would prolong my abuse and lure back in. That's just me though. And I know it's probably easier said than done.
Does her family know about the Affair and that the marriage is against the ropes?
Me37 W33 T:8 M:5 D3 BD 11/2015 EA+PA w boss 12/2015 S 3/2016
Im stronger because I had to be Im smarter because of my mistakes happier because of the sadness Ive known and now wiser because I learned
It's difficult because I was unavailable to her (a distancer) before all of this happened. I've learned that I have abandonment issues that I left unresolved as a child and I certainly let that impact all of my relationships as an adult (not just with my wife).
In acknowledging much of my own issues and honestly working on them, I have learned just how much I do love my W. The hard part now is that she told me it hurt her how distant I was. I am learning to not pursue and that she is more attracted to the "NOT NEEDY" me. However, when she does show interest, I do want her to feel a loving connection to me that was non existent in the past.
It's this nearly impossible line to walk and I have no idea what is right and wrong.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
Made it through another day. Yesterday was a pretty good day.
I did not ever initiate conversation with W and did not respond to all of her attempts to communicate. I'm becoming less dependent on her to feel ok.
I did have a bit of jealous anxiety creep in, but was able to overcome it and I think it was just my active imagination and not stemmed in reality. I know that jealous behavior is very unattractive and I don't want to be that way (for me).
W sent me a message when I was on way home from office to find out what I wanted for dinner. 99% of our time married, I would have said I don't know and deferred to her. She HATES that about me and I know I only do it to be a "good guy" so she can have things she wants. I told her what I wanted for dinner and she made it happen.
After dinner, I put the kids to bed and didn't really show any interest in doing anything. She asked if I would like to watch a movie or TV show and I though that sounded better than staring at my phone, so I agreed. She put on a TV show that was something I had interest in watching. She asked if I was ok and made sure that I wanted to watch it.
She is noticing my detachment and now I have to learn how to deal with her tests. When we went to bed she snuggled into me (it was very cold in our room). All of this is VERY confusing, but it's better than the cold distance I was getting from her before.
Also, she is not on her phone constantly and is not guarding her phone like she has previously.
I have not sent her a message this morning yet and don't have plans to. I will be strong today.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
