I know what you mean. I read of the other ww/waw and think that hey, I didn't do half the things they did. Most importantly, I didn't cheat.
We are willing to forgive our (x)hs for so much more than they are willing to forgive us for. And it really isn't fair, is it?
It really isnt fair, but lovely JJB, in our saner and more rational moments, we know that such is life. But as sane and rational we are, we still can't stop yearning for what could have been.
Perhaps the mindfulness meditation would come in helpful? Acknowledge the anger, the hurt and feel them. Know that even when you are feeling these emotions, you can choose not to let them get to you.
Some times I succeed. Most times I struggle.
We will come out of this stronger, somehow. One breath at a time.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Juju, I have had a lot of the same cycling thoughts. Was I that horrible? I was critical and nagging. Didn't validate well, but was always supportive in action. Took H for granted. Just like he took me for granted. I was annoyed that he wasn't the person he was before we got married.
We both failed at this, and none of us had the tools to pull us out of the downward spiral.
When someone cheats, they take the pain to a new level and nobody has deserved that.
I discussed with our MC today (I went by myself as I have since May) that I'm grieving more the person I thought H was rather than the person he really is.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
The cycling thoughts, the yo yo ing thoughts...I am my own worst enemy. Makes it hard for me to make decisions though.
When my thoughts are positive I feel mentally healthier... 1. I am looking at husband with compassion and empathy. 2. I am looking at myself as someone that "only a fool would leave". Because I Am feeling and acting in ways that I know are right and good and more Spiritual. 3. I have hope for a great future and loving future partner and relationship. 4. I am accepting of my situation and what I do have.
When my thoughts are negative. I feel angry. 1. I have great anger at husband because I feel he was morally wrong to walk away the way that he did...stonewalling, anger, no communication, no decisions. I disagree with his choices and his inability and refusal to try to repair marriage. His selfishness. 2. I feel hopeless about my situation. Financially, I am single mom getting older, living with my parents, sons don't have stability. Fear of not meeting A trustworthy partner. I am well aware that not many men would want to take on another persons child (I do not need one, but I like being in a relationship) 3. The unfairness of divorce. Husband walks away with minimal responsibilities. He has more freedom, greater wealth. As man he can marry younger and have more children if he so desired.
So right now my goal is to embrace positivity and spirituality on a more consistent basis. Kind of like exercising can be difficult to embrace consistently for some people, so is positive thinking for me.
I have one more negative thought...but one that is necessary to keep.
I am not sure if I should file. Living in limbo can be dangerous to me. I was reading that financially my husband can build up debt ( I don't know if he would do this ), he can leave state (he has talked about this) and laws would change. Probably more stuff too.
I don't want to be the one to do it. For many reasons. I will have to discuss with an attorney again, but at 500 bucks an hour I don't like arranging meeting. I need to be sure I am going to do it. I also do not always trust attorneys, because I recognize they have agendas too .
I am pulling for you JujuB. I am currently fighting the same battle and working towards making positive thoughts the rule and not letting it fall by the wayside and letting the the negative thoughts in. It truly is a battle to stay on the positive, but as you say it can become a habit after getting over the initial pain one experiences when starting an exercise program. I love how you wrote both sides down. The visual can really help pursue and accomplish your goal. You got this.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I have one more negative thought...but one that is necessary to keep.
I am not sure if I should file. Living in limbo can be dangerous to me. I was reading that financially my husband can build up debt ( I don't know if he would do this ), he can leave state (he has talked about this) and laws would change. Probably more stuff too.
I don't want to be the one to do it. For many reasons. I will have to discuss with an attorney again, but at 500 bucks an hour I don't like arranging meeting. I need to be sure I am going to do it. I also do not always trust attorneys, because I recognize they have agendas too .
You won't know your options until you speak to a L. It's very necessary. They may not all cost $500/hr, call around and see what they offer. But this is about your financial future for the next 15+ years, so you would want to have someone good.
When I saw a L, I brought a spreadsheet with all our assets and debts, income and monthly expenses, and a 3-page summary of the history of our M. I also brought the proof I had of the A. It was very helpful to the L and allowed her to get an overview of the facts quickly, so we could spend as much time as possible discussing my options. Make good use of your time with any L.
You can always put a stop to the D proceedings, but you can't undo what H is doing right now. I am very concerned about you and the children being unprotected financially and you giving him time to maneuver.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
It's good to feel legally and financially safe for you and the kids. Please get your legal and financial ducks in a row.
And you really are voicing out what I am feeling. The indignation that my life and kid's life are changed so drastically by xh's affair and outburst yet xh gets to move on with his life with TP, without suffering any consequences.
But Jjb, you can and will get to abetter Place because you had the advice that I didnt have.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Was recently told " there is a spiritual solution to everything"
I have mentioned before, we have never been raised with any type of religion or spirituality. I went to my first divorce care meeting (which I heard about on this forum) tonight. There was a lot of sorrow and sadness. it is a Christian based organization and I totally agree with its message regarding marriage. In a video it was discussed that reasons not supported by Christianity to get divorced are "incompatibility" and "it's better for the kids". These were the two reasons sited by husband as to why he wanted to divorce. That and we should not have to compromise on our happiness.
At first, I was watching these videos and feeling really angry because my husband is Christian. We were married by a pastor because of him and we had kids baptized because of him and his family. his mother is very religious and a pretty devoted church goer. While his mother does not want us to get divorced she has enabled her son and actually said things that were supportive of divorce. I was really angry at their hypocrisy. The only reasons supported were immorality or unbeliever leaving marriage. Neither of which I did.
Then I reminded myself, his choices are out of my control and I can only focus on me.
Someone in group said that most of people here are with philanderers and that their leaving is actually a gift from God.
Joining this forum and attending this support group and slowly reaching out to new people are major 180s for me. In the past, I have always taken up things I could do independently. Seeking some form of spirituality is a 180 for me as well. I would like to do same for kids but am deterred by husband and grandmas hypocrisy.
