The begining of the rest of my new life? (3)

[mutatio]

I'm sorry your troubles are not solved at the magical number 200, hopefully soon. All you can do is be kind, respect her wishes and keep trying. This is a very slow process. Enjoy every moment with those kids, they grow up so fast. Hang in there buddy

[Ripe]

Mutatio.
I was always a lonely person. My marriage didn't change me much in that aspect and I realize now that that contributed somehow to its demise.
We belong. We are part of something bigger.
We are not alone.
You have been kind enough to come to my online place and visit me, as others have.
You are now with me, even if you don't know it.

[Ripe]

In the last few days I have realized how much I needed to invite STBXW to this trip to Disneyland.
If I hadn't I would have spent a lot of energy thinking "what if I had invited her?", "what if she would be here?", "how I wish she would be here with us".
Now I am at peace, even though she has refused the invitation.
Now I will be able to really appreciate being alone with my kids, with no regrets.
The best teacher I had in high-school once told us the following about colleagues skipping classes: "The only ones needed are the ones who are here because they want to be."

[mutatio]

I understand your need to invite your wife. This was an act of the authentic Ripe. You should allow this authentic self a greater voice. I allowed my ego to run roughshod over many mixed feelings I had in my marriage. I now know better in the sense that I realize my ego is not my friend and should not dictate terms.

Please consider these two thoughts from the Dalai Lama,

"Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions."

Ripe, fill your children's live's with joy and beauty. Fill your heart with their joy. Treat your children, your wife's children well. In this moment, this is your path. You are going to Disneyland with a 7 and 9 year old. I truly envy you and feel sadness for your wife. Her struggle blinds her to the joy of this experience. This is her choice and you must respect it. Be kind to her, have the kids call her and share their joy with her each night. Part of her wants to be there, she just can't, in this moment.

Don't give up Ripe. You may not save your marriage but you'll save the authentic Ripe living inside you. Remove your ego from the drivers seat and live a kind compassionate life.

[Ripe]

Right now I don't feel like saving anyone.
Right now I feel the universe as unfair.
Couples with kids should not be able to separate!
The LBS get's the worst of it all!
If he still cares, he will suffer every time he is near his wife during child exchange and kids related stuff.
And if he doesn't, he is still forced to look at the wife's face during those same situations!
Couples with kids never truly split.

[CWOL]

Right now I don't feel like saving anyone.
Right now I feel the universe as unfair.
Couples with kids should not be able to separate!
The LBS get's the worst of it all!
If he still cares, he will suffer every time he is near his wife during child exchange and kids related stuff.
And if he doesn't, he is still forced to look at the wife's face during those same situations!
Couples with kids never truly split.

I'm right there with you, man.
You said my thoughts perfectly.
I truly question now why my WW married me in the first place, and why she pushed to have a child after I held off for 7 years.
Being an LBH is just terrible.

[Ripe]

Last Sunday our army organized an Easter lunch.
I was invited and, through me, my family since they don't know we are separated.
The soldiers have been great friends and a great company in this foreign land.
They hold a mass which I attend every weekend, as my family used to attend for the last years. When I have the kids, I take them with me.
Since the separation last October STBXW stopped coming. So, because of the soldiers rotation, she now knows no one.
It was her weekend with the kids and she came to the lunch, since I told her about the invitation.
I barely spoke to her.
I realized that her refusal to my invitation to Disneyland made more damage than I was ready to accept.
It made me realize my marriage is really, really over.
And when I saw her talking to all my soldier friends as if she had known them for a long time, and especially when I saw her cheerfully talking to the priest she only then knew, I felt her intruding in my world, a world she willingly abandoned.
And since Sunday I have been feeling this volcano or rage consuming me, mixed with hate.
That is why two posts ago I stated I could not bear being forced to forever look at her face for the sake of the kids.
I cannot make her go away even if I that is what I want most!

[Ripe]

I have been this past couple of days so upset and angry at STBXW that I decided to trust what I have been learning about myself through meditation.
So, I did a practice called RAIN and discovered that underneath all the sadness and angryness there is guilt.
I feel guilty for the demise of my marriage.
I also feel guilty because I wanted another opportunity and I am not having it. I blew everything.
Maybe that's why, a few hours from flying to the States with my kids, I feel so sad instead of thrilled: I wanted for STBXW to come and she is not coming.
I really need to let her go and walk her own path. Ours no longer touch each other, but I really need to feel that, just knowing is not enough.

[Ripe]

This is the end of my first full day in the States.
It was wonderful.
The kids are loving it.
I am loving it.

[cubebot]

Hi Ripe,

I feel for you. Hang in there! i too am in a similar current mindset, questioning what it is we truly want and the roller coaster of ups and downs. Enjoy your trip and live in the moment. You will never have another chance to be there with S9 & S7. Sure you could come back next year, but that would be with S10 & S8. Welcome to the states and thank you for your service to your country and to Freedom.

-Cubebot