WAW is angry and filing divorce

[trumpet]

SadHub,

Hang in there. Chin up. Affairs and Divorces affect kids. The AP and OM/OW usually say the kids will be better, but it's projection. Kids go through the pain of not being able to fix mom or dad, or both of them.

Continue to love her and give her attention. Have you taken her out for a cup of coffee or a lunch lately?

[Vanilla]

My heart reaches out to you and your daughters.

Keep on being the most loving father and lots of hugs and cuddles for your children.

Your D17 has made her decision and W isn't going to help her be more comfortable by behaving like this and speaking to her in this way.

Hugs

V

[SH_]

Thank you for the support trumpet.
I try to spend most of my free time with daughters. It has been hard, because we are trying to focus on her plans for the future when she graduates in May, but we get caught in the web of anger the WAW is demonstrating.
My D17 and I are going to run a 5k this Saturday, so that is what we are looking forward to today.

[SH_]

I appreciate the support vanilla. We will get through this and I have never given and asked for so many hugs from my lil girls in my live.
My D17 is smart and behaving much more like the responsible adult in the relationship with her mom. Weird huh?

[Vanilla]

No Sadhub, your D17 has a fantastic dad who believes in her.

You may know that children can thrive with one really excellent loving adult they relate to and who loves them. In fact in extended families it can be a sibling or grandparent or godmother. Love is universal for children.

At 17 your D is discovering the power she has to decide who she wants to be. Yes, it is very frightening and she is facing things very bravely.

You have my permission to say so! LOL.

V

[SH_]

Thank you Vanilla. I will tell her. Thank you for your constant support and optimism. It always brings a smile to my face when I read your posts.
I was angry with my WAW last night for the first time in this ordeal. I may have lost some ground in Dbing due to my brief argument with my WAW. But the comfort came from watching my D17 and how she handled things and shared with me what she learned from the interactions the past several days. God sent me an Angel for sure when he sent my D17 to us.

[Vanilla]

Sadhub

Anger is a great motivator if you can tap it. Zues and I have had a discussion about anger. Not the lose it type but the white driving motivating anger.

It's a good sign Sadhub. Truly it is.

Part of the Kubler Ross grieving cycle. If you choose to Google that it may give you understanding.

V

[SH_]

I will review your discussion on the white anger and google the Kubler grieving cycle. The more I can understand about the range of emotions the more I can maintain control of myself and actions.
Thank you Vanilla

[SH_]

I am journaling for the past couple of days and situation.
Wednesday WAW was still going after my D17 about her decision to live with me after the divorce is final. My daughter was feeling really distraught and had a break down with me when her mother left that evening to go look at places to live. Her breakdown was really difficult for me to see and listen too as I feel so helpless. My daughter noticed this and then began to apologize and say that she will get it together. This breaks my heart into a million pieces.
I then took her to a church event and returned home with my D5. I called a family member just to find a conversation of peace. As we got home and walked in I see that WAW was at home unexpectedly. So I go to the back room and lock the door and finish my phone conversation. WAW knocks at the door and then asks me whats going on. I reply that D17 had a rough evening. WAW then says we need to talk about that. I am not in a good place, so my response was to ask how her efforts to move out are going and how soon and what is the news from her L to move the process forward. I know this may not have been wise as I was angry.
She responded that she is trying as fast as she can, but that I need to stop manipulating our D17. The court should say how she will split time with us. I reply that our D17 is a young adult that can make her own decisions and that I will not impose on that one way or another. WAW blames me for manipulating her because of all the time she see's me spending with our daughters. I ask if she knows what we do or talk about. I ask her if she even really wants to know. She goes into a tirade with many accusations and says that she has to go see "Your buddy the bishop now because of you." I almost want to laugh because it sounded so silly, but I did not. I then asked her if I heard her right and she said never mind and left. I perceive she said this, because I meet with him weekly and she has avoided him. Not only is he the bishop at our church, but he and his wife have been friends of ours since 14 years ago, but now she is avoiding contact and conversation with them.

I expect D17 and WAW around 8:15pm , but they do not show up. I then hear WAW cell phone and see she left it home and that D17 had called. I then call D17 and text to make sure everything is okay. No response. A few minutes later knocks at the door and it is D17. I ask her if everything is okay and who brought her home. She smiles and says mom did. I ask where her mom is as she is not with her. She says that she dropped her off and drove away crying.
D17 then shares that on drive home, her mother asked her why she was choosing to live with me. When D17 would start to share why, her mother would cut her off and then try and blame me and get angry. My D17 would then just stop talking. Her mother would then apologize and then ask her again why. The same thing happened 3 times and D17 finally said, mom, you don't really want to know so I can't tell you.
D17 said that mom went silent then after a few minutes said, "Fine, I am just a selfish B*tch" and then broke down and started crying.

My daughter seemed at peace and said, I have had an epiphany dad that will help me not get caught into moms arguments.
D17 shared that she knows her mom is projecting her anger onto me, and resorting to childish behavior because she is not getting her way. My D17 had shared with me how she learned this stuff in psychology course at school and now it makes sense as she watches her mom behave in ways that we have never seen.
My daughter is wise beyond her years and it brings a tear to my eye.
Side note
While I was at home alone with I was getting her into the bath and ready for bed, she jumped up on my lap and gave me a hug and said daddy, I love our home and I don't want to leave it ever. Oh the pain this causes in my heart, but I just hugged her tight and said, I will take care of you baby girl, I will take care of you forever.

[SH_]

Journaling continued...
WAW came home about 30 minutes later and went to D17 room and closed the door. After a few minutes she came out and had tears in her eyes. I asked her if I could speak with her for a moment and she agreed. I apologized for my harshness earlier and advised it was because of my frustration with seeing our D17 breakdown and I feel that we all need some space to clear the air and take time on our own to think things through with level heads. I told her that her ongoing anger and the increased tension with each passing day that we feel in our home continues to escalate and we don't understand why as we are trying to just accept her decision and move forward. My WAW then shed some more tears and then said "Okay, your right I am angry at you and I am blaming you for our daughter not wanting to be with me. So here, I said it."
I validated her perception and re stated my goals to just help the family, take care of our babies and help her do what it is she needs. She then told me that I can not help her. I validated her and said then I will be there to help our daughters. She then said that she will hurry up and move out before there is no more friendship to salvage. I did not reply.