My Story - the circular nature of causality

[1gr8dad]

I'm sorry you are here. Be strong. Read Sandi2's threads. I have gained SO much knowledge and feel more empowered because of the information gathered there.

Keep posting here. There are so many good people that can help encourage you.

Thank-you so much for your support lost man!

[1gr8dad]

Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.

Thanks for your candour TxHubby. I'm starting to loose hope of a reconciliation at this point. It's been 4 months since BD and 1 month of separation. I've been going dark and being detached while child and GAL focused.

What does anyone else think?
Is this the right approach given my situation?
Sandi are you there? Should I let go of any hope of reconciliation given both our betrayals?

[1gr8dad]

Cadet, thank-you so much for your loyal support to DBers.
I am reading though this invaluable material.

You rock!

[TxHubby]

Allowing fairs to continue unchallenged is never ever ever a good idea. He's her boss? That affair was easy to nip in the bud. Inform HR. Companies have very very strict policies about such things. Especially employer/employee affairs. If it goes south they can get sued by your WW for sexual harassment and she'd win. Still, at this point you can try DB'ing but honestly you let it get away from you probably too far. My advice is quit worrying about the dying M and focus on your own future post-M.

Yes, it's easy to kill this type of affair, just bark to HR and the CEO/President of the company. They will be scared of any potential sexual harassment lawsuit and the OM will be fired summarily.

I'm not sure if exposing their affair is the right course of action because of the risk of damaging an amicable co-parenting relationship or even possible reconciliation. Also given my betrayal (though it was not an A) my W is holding me 100% at fault for breaking the marriage down at this point in her mind. Me intervening in her affairs at this point would be counted as just abother big character flaw on my part.

I feel the only chance is that she needs to explore this path and if and when it fails she may come around to see what she's lost.

What kills me is that she is prepared to give up a marriage and 50% of her daughter instead of trying to fix our MR. It must be thr addiction of a secret A with her boss.

There is zero reason at this point for her to change anything. She has her affair partner when she wants him and has you at home that will do whatever she wants. It's a perfect situation for her. Sure, it'll tear you apart, but she doesn't care about that. If you continue to allow the affair to flourish you have literally zero chance of saving this.

[1gr8dad]

I'm not sure if exposing their affair is the right course of action because of the risk of damaging an amicable co-parenting relationship or even possible reconciliation. Also given my betrayal (though it was not an A) my W is holding me 100% at fault for breaking the marriage down at this point in her mind. Me intervening in her affairs at this point would be counted as just abother big character flaw on my part.

I feel the only chance is that she needs to explore this path and if and when it fails she may come around to see what she's lost.

What kills me is that she is prepared to give up a marriage and 50% of her daughter instead of trying to fix our MR. It must be thr addiction of a secret A with her boss.

There is zero reason at this point for her to change anything. She has her affair partner when she wants him and has you at home that will do whatever she wants. It's a perfect situation for her. Sure, it'll tear you apart, but she doesn't care about that. If you continue to allow the affair to flourish you have literally zero chance of saving this.

Thanks so much for your feedback TxHubby, I'm really thinking about it now. I noticed your sitch involved your W's A. Can you ask her how she would have reacted if her AP was her boss and you got him fired?

What are other's thoughts of this approach?

btw, Thanks everyone for the help! It really means a lot to me.

[1gr8dad]

Looking for feedback, please help!

[Cadet]

Should I let go of any hope of reconciliation given both our betrayals?

NO - there can always be HOPE, but that does not mean that you go into pursuit mode.

How are you doing on the homework?
Have you read the pursuit and distance thread?

You need to work on your 50% of this,
you can not work on her 50%.

Does that make sense?

[Lostman]

I understand not wanting to expose the affair. Just show her through action what a great man she is going to lose.

I like your goals. Do you have anything that is just fun for you that you are trying to do?

[TxHubby]

I'm not sure if exposing their affair is the right course of action because of the risk of damaging an amicable co-parenting relationship or even possible reconciliation. Also given my betrayal (though it was not an A) my W is holding me 100% at fault for breaking the marriage down at this point in her mind. Me intervening in her affairs at this point would be counted as just abother big character flaw on my part.

I feel the only chance is that she needs to explore this path and if and when it fails she may come around to see what she's lost.

What kills me is that she is prepared to give up a marriage and 50% of her daughter instead of trying to fix our MR. It must be thr addiction of a secret A with her boss.

There is zero reason at this point for her to change anything. She has her affair partner when she wants him and has you at home that will do whatever she wants. It's a perfect situation for her. Sure, it'll tear you apart, but she doesn't care about that. If you continue to allow the affair to flourish you have literally zero chance of saving this.

Thanks so much for your feedback TxHubby, I'm really thinking about it now. I noticed your sitch involved your W's A. Can you ask her how she would have reacted if her AP was her boss and you got him fired?

What are other's thoughts of this approach?

btw, Thanks everyone for the help! It really means a lot to me.

Her AP was a neighbor but they did communicate a lot through work computers so his W, after discovering the A, told her H's company and my wife's. He got fired, my wife was asked to resign, which she did. Their little fantasy world exploded.

If you don't blow up the paradigm, nothing will change. I screwed that up. I should have acted much quicker and with much more confidence. Women respond to strong male leadership. Being the passive male sitting quietly while they cheat is not attractive to a woman in any way whatsoever.

[1gr8dad]

Her AP was a neighbor but they did communicate a lot through work computers so his W, after discovering the A, told her H's company and my wife's. He got fired, my wife was asked to resign, which she did. Their little fantasy world exploded.

If you don't blow up the paradigm, nothing will change. I screwed that up. I should have acted much quicker and with much more confidence. Women respond to strong male leadership. Being the passive male sitting quietly while they cheat is not attractive to a woman in any way whatsoever.

Thx TxHubby, how did your W's AP react to his W's action on exposing him? How did your W feel about the other wife exposing her?