Here again after 9 years and struggling 4

[inpain]

Glad you posted again.

I'm not a fan of getting fed up with DBing and issuing an ultimatum. And I don't like how preoccupied you are on how you feel.

Giving up on the DB method because you're tired of doing it doesn't make sense to me. You can give up on being attached. You can give up on worrying about his reactions to your behavior. But to act in ways that hurt your chances of saving the M...well, if things didn't work out it would be hard for me to look back and feel good about how I handled things. When you have regrets in 2, 5, 10, and 20 years, you'd always wonder what would have happened if you hadn't have acted on your impatience and exasperation.

Hi Zues, thank you for your, as always, insightful post, I really appreciate it. I didn't say I'd given up on DB though, just that I didn't care if I DBd or not on that particular night, after he had shown up drunk in front of our children. I am still DBing. Maybe I shouldn't have issued an ultimatum, but I did and I can't take it back now. I don't feel it has backfired however. I cannot continue to live a life in limbo where H comes round every single day to sit with the kids for hours on end while I melt into the background and make myself scarce each time. It was no good for my sanity and I take DBing to be saving yourself whilst also keeping the door open to fix the M. Letting him walk in and out of the house at will was not saving myself.

Roiste made the comment that the power has shifted, and I'm sure that's an appealing idea after feeling powerless for so long. I don't think that's the case, or the right approach. You've already mentioned he's not being as committal as you wanted, and that was after your ultimatum, so obviously it didn't get you exactly what you wanted anyway.

I agree with you, I don't think the power has shifted either. My H is willingly doing the reconciliation exercises so I think the ultimatum did work. What I meant by non-committal is that he didn't say, "I want us to get back together so let's do the exercises." He is talking openly during the exercises and also staying after the children are in bed to sit and talk in general. All of which I think are good signs.

My fear for you is that it will play out poorly. You will be emotionally disengaged, resentful of the pain he caused, distrustful, and wanting to see more and more from him to show he knows how much he hurt you and prove it won't happen again, and looking more for him to do things to restore your feelings. He in turn is actually VERY conflicted and will look at your dissatisfaction with his efforts and your hurt and resentment and distancing and caution as a sign that he can't win with you, and he will look at these exercises as proof he tried EVERYTHING he could, and that when he gives up and walks away from this he won't look back.

I have the same fears Zues! I know exactly what you mean and I do think in the back of my mind that he is only doing the exercises so that he can walk away guilt free and say that he tried everything. I might be wrong though. He has said that he wants to leave no stone unturned - that is why he's doing the exercises. He has also said that it is nice that we are able to sit and talk without arguing. I don't know. I guess only time will tell.

So my advice would be to DB whether you feel like it or not, period. To commit to standing by your M whether you feel like it or not. To back burner your feelings and trust that if you save your M they will come back. And to avoid trying to use your indignant attitude as a substitute for detachment in an effort to control his behavior by trying to turn the tables.

As I said, I am still DBing, I just didn't that particular night. I don't feel that I am indignant and my ultimatum didn't come out of indignancy either. I don't agree with parents being drunk in front of their children and felt the need to say that enough is enough. A little tipsy at an occasion where drink is on offer, like a wedding or new year, maybe, but totally drunk, no.

Since he is openminded and willing to do these exercises what I'd recommend is getting professional help. Validate him on what he's doing, and the concerns he might have, then say that since he's open to the discussion you'd like to get someone to help guide you through. I'm not saying you can't fix this on your own, but I don't like that you're dictating the way in which you reconnect instead of doing it collaboratively, and I think a professional would give you an honest chance. One you'll be grateful you took years from now.

My H won't see a professional. He thinks they're a load of rubbish, sadly. We saw one years ago when I discovered all the letters etc from his 2nd EA with the same OW and he thought it a waste of time and money. Wouldn't he see it as me controlling things? At the moment he feels he is controlling this as he made the call to begin the exercises, I only told him of their existence!

I truly hope you will post again Zues, I value your posts so much, they are always thoughtful and helpful.