Doing everything wrong...

[roist]

There are two schools of thought about this. One is to openly expose the affair as much as possible but in a controlled way. This paints the picture as it is and W has to assume her actions. Sometimes this can cause them to reflect and realise they have made a mistake.

In your case as D is already filed by her, I doubt it will push her to want to come back. It could come across as vengeful or spiteful attacking the affair R could strengthen it.

The second school of thought is as Cadet mentioned,you tell the least number of people possible. In saying that I would not cover it up either.Thus avoids a lot of possible negative effects. But most importantly it can make reconciliation easier later on, for many reasons.

But as TX says, do not let yourself be plan B or a doormat. You do not want any R with someone in another R. Final.

Best wishes

[roist]

I mixed your signature with another poster, but even if D not filed, my points are the same. I reread your thread and you have some great advisors with cadet,TX and sandi.

[PacLove]

Yeah I don't think I'm going to pretend but not going to share the reason for the separation with anyone but my closest friends.

Had my first coaching session last night - got some interesting feedback around trying to be her friend through all this and putting my D first. I got validation on the custody agreement as it brings stability to her and it favors me. It also allows us to maintain a connection through all this as Friends.

She also suggested that the Birthday trip may be OK if managed correctly and expectations are set - since it would show her we can be a family and also would be good for our D. Still on the fence about that with time to decide.

Tonight we tell our D - a conversation I'm not looking forward too.

[roist]

If you are telling D about separation I would not allow it be said that this reflects a decision taken by both of you. Don't criticise W's decision.SSay you except and respect her decision. Michele has a video on the net where she explains that better, or maybe it is in her quotes on this forum.

The most important thing is to reassure D that she us and will be loved by both of ye regardless of what happens.

Good luck .

As for your birthday I think not doing something with W will send a better message than spending the weekend with her. Sandi outlines this well in her reply. You can always stick with thevpkan but just you and D. That gives you more time to decide what you want.

You need to decide what you really want to do for your birthday. And DO it. If that us a night out with your mates. Going to a match or concert.This can be as well as weekend with D that W organised or instead of.

Best wishes

[PacLove]

This breaks my heart:

So tempted to send it to my W before we tell D tonight, but that would probably put me in the "pushy" side of things....

For now we are only separating so it's not a D yet, but very few separations every get back together - I think I read somewhere that less than 30%.

[Lostman]

That's 30% reason to stay positive and not be pushy. You are going down a good path. Stay strong.

[PacLove]

Met with a L today, she basically said I'm doing everything right as part of the separation. The fact D is staying with me will be good in the long run, and financially in our state everything is community property up until D-day and income after Separation is each his own, so the only thing I need to worry about is she doesn't go on a massive spending spree and still contributes to our joint liabilities which is in her best interest if she doesn't want to risk her credit.

[PacLove]

Didn't tell D last night, W didn't feel "up" for it... she's supposed to be moving out tonight, I think she's really struggling with this decision - to actually leave. She was talking to me last night as if everything was normal.

Since I confronted her last week, I don't believe she's seen OM and she hasn't been "texting" when I'm around, so she's either gone more covert or has disengaged somewhat from him for the time being. I'm not naive though, I know she could be talking to him while at work and come tomorrow will have full freedom to talk to OM as she pleases as she'll be out of the house.

[PacLove]

She's fighting it... didn't want to tell D again tonight, but left after she went to bed... she was visibly upset, I was straight faced - tried not to show any emotion but said the door is always open for her. I think if she hadn't paid for the place already she probably would have stayed the night... so question for the board here...

If after the two weeks (or even sooner) she wants to come back, do I let her? Given the circumstances of the A? or do I push back and say not until she's willing to give up the A and work on the MR?

I would think it's better living in the same house detached then apart detached.....

[TimR]

IMO you should not allow her to return unless she gives up the A and shows commitment to MR. Reread Sandi's Rules. Sorry to be the one to tell you this... But what is her incentive to give up the A if you are constantly saving her. Allowing her to come back is cake eating.

In order for her to come back you should have an outline of conditions such as the ones described by Sandi.