I'm not a fan of getting fed up with DBing and issuing an ultimatum. And I don't like how preoccupied you are on how you feel.
Giving up on the DB method because you're tired of doing it doesn't make sense to me. You can give up on being attached. You can give up on worrying about his reactions to your behavior. But to act in ways that hurt your chances of saving the M...well, if things didn't work out it would be hard for me to look back and feel good about how I handled things. When you have regrets in 2, 5, 10, and 20 years, you'd always wonder what would have happened if you hadn't have acted on your impatience and exasperation.
Roiste made the comment that the power has shifted, and I'm sure that's an appealing idea after feeling powerless for so long. I don't think that's the case, or the right approach. You've already mentioned he's not being as committal as you wanted, and that was after your ultimatum, so obviously it didn't get you exactly what you wanted anyway.
My fear for you is that it will play out poorly. You will be emotionally disengaged, resentful of the pain he caused, distrustful, and wanting to see more and more from him to show he knows how much he hurt you and prove it won't happen again, and looking more for him to do things to restore your feelings. He in turn is actually VERY conflicted and will look at your dissatisfaction with his efforts and your hurt and resentment and distancing and caution as a sign that he can't win with you, and he will look at these exercises as proof he tried EVERYTHING he could, and that when he gives up and walks away from this he won't look back.
Doesn't have to play out that way, but it could very easily.
So my advice would be to DB whether you feel like it or not, period. To commit to standing by your M whether you feel like it or not. To back burner your feelings and trust that if you save your M they will come back. And to avoid trying to use your indignant attitude as a substitute for detachment in an effort to control his behavior by trying to turn the tables.
Since he is openminded and willing to do these exercises what I'd recommend is getting professional help. Validate him on what he's doing, and the concerns he might have, then say that since he's open to the discussion you'd like to get someone to help guide you through. I'm not saying you can't fix this on your own, but I don't like that you're dictating the way in which you reconnect instead of doing it collaboratively, and I think a professional would give you an honest chance. One you'll be grateful you took years from now.
So I'd make one big push for retrouville and a DB coach together, don't allow yourself to think of a score card or what you've been through to convince yourself he's 'playing on your terms', and commit to a productive action plan without regards to the mood of the day.
All said, I wish you the best and the strength to get through whatever lies ahead.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
