That actually makes tons of sense, and if this was me a few years ago, I would say it is all applicable. That I was filling a pain/void I wasn't capable of filling myself. It's so very different this time. I've fulfilled myself in most other ways, the best I could with what I have in my time, but I can easily identify this void, I know exactly what it is. It's the sharing of my life and that intimate connection that is the true void. My addiction wasn't during the R, but yes, maybe after where I really do crave it now that I actually found it. It's been quite the opposite now, me trying to fill a very identified and isolated void with other things, within myself, and outside of myself, but this one can only be filled my one thing, sadly enough. I know that the intensity of it will dull soon, I've got to be patient.
If I found that neither of us was ready for eachother, this would be by far easier to heal. Knowing I have to do my work, get there and become a healthier me would help me heal. This is so difficult, because I was beyond ready. And even more difficult because I was ready and he was not. It is essentially was what caused the end to come. I was trying to hold back what I was ready for and wanted and needed hoping he would catch up, but he didn't.
I do have to get out of this rut though. Somehow, some way.
Next week I'm treating myself to getting keratin treatment on my hair. It's a 2 hour process and I have no one to watch the kid. She could come with me, they love her there, but it's such a busy week I feel bad keeping her in a salon at night for over 2 hours. I asked her dad to take her an extra night for her sake, not mine, but we will see. He never offers more than he gets, but hopefully he will give it if asked. Otherwise, she chills out with me and her Ipad and some Mc Donalds.
