Thanks ladies. I always appreciate your two cents, job.
Ya know, I always thought H's LL was AOS, but now I am really thinking its WOA. Especially during first 8 weeks post BD#1. It is what really helped. Plenty of compliments, sitting and talking over a glass of wine, etc. Granted, it was still a delicate dance--I could not come across over-pursuey, or needy, and he kept telling me "I don't why you're doing this Melweb. It will not rekindle anything." But it did. (Well for a month and a half anyhow.) I know he is now SEEKING validation and assurances, and looking for me to stroke his ego. HE is the one who keeps bring up R talk, and asking how I feel about it, and telling me he loves me first. And of course asking what do I want/ see in him. At one point he told me he was doing me a favor , and in ten years I would thank him. (Ring a bell, Cil?) During that convo, I told him to go have his pity party somewhere else.
Speaking of him saying ILY. Not quite sure if he means it in the real honest-to-goodness way or more of ILYBNILWY way. This has come up too. He will "always love me and care for me and do anything for me, but there is just no passion." That is why I say it in return. Any other suggestions here? I hate to just say "I know."
Ok, now to figure out how to move my cake!! And I mean really move it, not just swirl it around on the plate like I did during after BD#1.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Hi Melweb - personally, my ears perked up when he asked you: "what do you see in a short, chubby depressed man?" and not: "what do you see in a man who cheated on you?"
Regarding his bruised ego, shouldn't it be so? He's had at least one extramarital affair. Should he feel great about himself? Validation is about acknowledging feelings. You can thank him for kind acts toward you but that's not "validating." That's just thanking someone out of common courtesy. Complimenting and ego stroking are not validating either. Do you believe by doing this you're going to lure him out of his depression?
You seem quite concerned about meeting his various emotional needs (his LL, complimenting, etc.) That is very kind of you. But let me ask you this: how is he doing at meeting your various needs these days?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
It's time to start a new thread. I believe I've tripped your replies to 102.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
