OK, so here's what has been going on with me since my last post. I hope it is normal/usual to feel the way I do now. I feel sad and confused and worried because I do not feel like I want H to come back any more. The reason this is so scary is because he seems to be trying to work his way back now that I feel this way! I guess it is true that once you have your own life they come crawling back.
Thank you all for your concerns about my Dad. He is still having tests but they still haven't found a cause for his mini stroke, which is great in one way but concerining in another, as at least if they found a cause they could perhaps do something about preventing any further attacks. He still has a couple more tests to go through.
So...I mentioned last time about the affair rumour. I have heard no more about it and haven't mentioned it to H again. He is adamant there is nothing going on and strangely (or perhaps not), since then he has started staying here after the kids go to bed (a sign he wants to get back together?).
It was my daughter's birthday during my absence from the boards. We always have a family tea party for my children's birthdays, obviously this was going to be awkward given the current situation. Weeks ago I broached the subject with my daughter, explained to her that Daddy wouldn't come if Grandma, Granddad, Aunty and Uncle and Nephew came. She said she still wanted a party with all of them and that it was OK if Daddy couldn't come too! So, that's what I planned. She ended up having to go to a dance rehearsal on the evening of her birthday so we had her tea party at lunchtime. H came round in the morning and watched her open the presents that I'd bought with no input from him. He stayed until my family were due and even helped by hoovering for me while I prepared food.
Before he left he told me I'd done an amazing job on the cake and the party and that I looked really pretty. He asked me to text him when my family had gone. He was supposed to be at work but had taken the day off unbeknown to me. It was around 7pm when we got back from her rehearsal and I text H. He came round and was drunk. I couldn't believe it. He took so long to come round after my text that the kids were about to get in bed. He was crying when he tucked our daughter into bed.
We ended up having a huge row about the fact that he had come round here drunk. He said he was upset that he hadn't his daughter blow out her candles on her birthday but my family had. I apologised that it was so difficult for him but that that is how it is when you get divorced. He hasn't done any thinking aboout these kinds of things and the events one or the other of us will end up missing out on because of divorce. I have implored him to think about these things many times but it has always fallen on deaf ears. Interesting that the first time he actually misses out on something he gets angry and upset. He shouted at me that he has left me not the kids. I didn't raise my voice once, which I was very proud of. I remained calm and validating and apologetic. I said that unfortunately, when you have young children, you can't leave their mum without leaving them too. He stormed out in the end and I sobbed myself to sleep.
The next morning he was very apologetic. My Dad sent him a text - he has stayed out of things until now but he was really not impressed with him turning up drunk! That night I just didn't care any more if I DBd or not and I gave H an ultimatum. I told him he either starts making steps to build bridges and get back together or he stops coming in the house, sees the kids a couple of times a week but has to take them out of this house. I told him I had a relationship repair book with talking exercises in it to do to try to repair things. I didn't hear from him for a couple of days and then he came round to see the kids and when he went to leave he said, "If you get that book out we will start the exercises tomorrow night if you like." I have taken that to be his non-committal way of saying he would like to try to repair things.
We have done five days of the exercises now and he is staying to sit with me every night after the kids go to bed until it is time to go to bed, then he leaves. He has also started doing things like touching me on the shoulder when he talks to me. He didn't ask to be involved in Easter and I didn't ask him. He was on a night shift and was in bed all day anyway. He didn't make any effort to see my daughter in her dance competition and it was her first one. That made me sad as he has taken several days off here and there since he's left us, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, yet he doesn't take the day off to support his daughter.
So, that's where I am at now. We are doing these relationship repair exercises but it feels that H is very half-hearted in it. His responses are always vague and it is clear that he cannot bear to shoulder any blame for anything. He does seem to be warming up in other ways though with the staying after the kids are in bed etc. I fear it is all too little too late. I don't look at him and feel any spark - he is not the man I was in love with - I don't know if it is another sign of MLC but his dress sense seems to have taken a nose dive. He looks awful and smells of moth balls all the time from his Dad's wardrobe. Then I feel shallow for thinking like that. I feel sad that I might not want him back and he's going to turn round and say he wants to come back. What do I do then? It is what I dreamed of for weeks and now I feel like the kids and I are enjoying our lives without him. The house is certainly so much more organised and less stressed without him. I actually feel quite content and proud to be doing it all on my own. I wonder if it is normal to feel this way? It is almost 5 months since he left.
