Lovely JksD thank you for your faith in me. I doubt myself some days and yesterday was one of those days. You know how it is. When you just don't seem to be enough.
Lovely Mu, you are too kind in your descriptions. I don't see it some days Mu, this evolution. V said something to me the other day about remarkable growth. I told her I still feel embryonic. She told me it was ok to feel that way. Bless and love her.
I am still troubled by the vessel and not alot closer to any resolution of what to do next with it's external presentation.
I have formed some greater thoughts about why I feel I need this surgery done before I have a partner in my life.
It is definitely about worthiness. It is still somewhat confused in my head but it is something along the lines of:
I understand and know that men love me regardless of how I look
I struggle to accept that love because I feel unworthy due to how I look.
I believe they deserve better than how I look.
I don't want my partner to be judged by my appearance, I don't want him to be considered less than for being with me. And feel this quite strongly.
There are of course all the other vulnerablities of being naked and intimate with someone but I feel the above is more connected to my desire for surgery.
There is no insight here, this is just what I have been able to simplify and name in therapy.
But I so value your words, encouragement and support.
It is funny I have to practice detachment with you so much. Let you move in your own time at your own speed. I laugh at myself with regard to this. If I had my way we would be meeting for coffee with Fo and the gang. I'm a pushy controlling codependent. I told you I'm embryonic!!
