WAW is angry and filing divorce

[SH_]

Thank you Phoebe for your response. I am going to take your advice to seek help. I have been trying to manage them on my own because so many folks tell me it is in my head and that I just need to control my thoughts.
Although in my heart I know it is not that simple because if it was the terror would not feel so gripping and real and out of my control.

[SH_]

You are right Cadet. Thank you for the feedback. I must focus on myself and keep her in my prayers that she can find and do what she needs and return to the path of her own free will.

[trumpet]

SadHub,

Lots of similarities with you.
3 kids. Wife had a thyroidectomy due to grave's disease last March. By July she was starting an emotional affair with a soon to be divorced guy she had a crush on in high school/college. Complete re-write of our 15 year marriage. My porn addiction did a lot of damage, too. I'm clean now, and admit my part, but my wife had lots of other issues, just like yours. My wife was passive-aggressive, and sarcastic, learned behaviors from her mother who was emotionally abused by an alcoholic father. My W never dealt with a rape in college, either, so for her, emotions are bad - don't admit them, don't feel, don't cry. If she does cry, she tries to stop as fast as possible, as it's a sign of weakness, and she can't be seen as weak. No hugging/kissing/sex for years, as that's 'girly stuff' and meant she had to feel feelings and express them - easier to just shut them off. Love to her was all about me doing what she wanted, when she wanted, with no reciprocation.

My wife's EA hasn't turned to a PA, except for a make-out session 6 months ago. This OM will probably cut her off in 6 months to a year, as he's 3 hours away, and can't leave the city he's in. I'm betting your case, as well as mine, is a MLC.

I did fight the D she started in January. In the last week, I've begun to accelerate the D, as she won't stop the EA, as to her it's not one, and he's just a friend...

I swing from days of feeling great to feeling very lonely.

Work on getting exercise every day, and spend time with the kids. My D14 has a very strained relationship with the W, as she has seen her mom change in the last year.

MLC's can last for years. Prepare yourself that you probably will be divorced, and be the best father you can be. Your kids NEED you. You can do this.

[sandi2]

Thank you sandi2
Did you have any thoughts on my reply to your question in the earlier post about the meds?

Not really, I was just trying to pick up some clues as to what might be affecting her. Sometimes, I suppose it helps us if we know something else is affecting a person and maybe that's why they behave badly....but does it really excuse what they do?

I have never heard that you shouldn't stop BC pills all of a sudden, as far as it having an emotional affect. Anyway, I don't know that she's taking anything that would make that great of difference in her behavior, but I'm certainly not a doctor. I have experienced the effects of suddenly stopping antidepressants....and it's not good. I also have to take thyroid medication. Bottom line is that I always knew right from wrong. It could be easy for me to say the medication, or lack thereof, affected my behavior.....and I suppose I'll never know. However, I do take responsibility for my actions, b/c I was not out of my mind. I was just wayward.

Seriously though, I have known of bipolar cases that did cause very unusual behavior when they stopped their medication.

[SH_]

You are right sandi2. I know this in my heart. She may behave wayward now, but she knows in her heart what she is doing.
My daily goal is to stop analyzing the why and focus on the how to take care of the family and stay focused on me and the future.
I am headed to see IC and will work on a plan to keep me pointed in the correct direction.

[Vanilla]

Anxiety attacks won't really hurt you, they may make you feel awful and tired.

I suffer, I just let them get on with it and tell myself "this can't permanently harm you" and "it's only a panic attack".

As quickly as I can I find a disabled loo and I sit, put cold water on my face and wet paper towels in my armpits. I sometimes put my head between my kneeds. I also stretch and breathe deeply.

Why a disabled loo?

Single compartment, I can cry and it doesn't disturb anyone. There is a sink and generally cleaner. I get privacy.

This isn't you, it's your sitch and is quite a usual reaction to severe stress.

V

[SH_]

Hi Vanilla,

Thank you for the advice. That is an approach that I may need to try. My IC gave me some ideas to isolate the thoughts that get caught in the swirl that can bring on the episodes. I will try it out and when I have them and take some efforts to calm them down in a much shorter time frame. If I get a grip on them it can aid me in holding true to my goals and efforts.

[SH_]

Another morning and an another angry episode last night. It was from a conversation the W had with our D17.
I think my detachment is starting to take hold because for the first time in this ordeal, I want her to go away and stay away. I have almost no hope that she can ever repair the damage she is doing. It is almost starting to feel familiar.......
I will share more details shortly, but today is starting off to be a sad one as I talk with my D17 and just wish for a happy place that I can take my daughters to to shield them from all of this senseless pain and disappointment.

[SH_]

Questions for sandi2 or any other WAW/WW.
What kind of support group did you have and what were the pictures that you painted of the LBH?
Not sure why I ask, but I am struggling to comprehend how just a few months ago I lived with what I thought was a loving wife, and now she finds anger in everything I do or do not do.

[SH_]

I am journaling and will try to keep this short.
Saturday, Sunday and Monday were all pretty cordial days with the W.
When I arrived home from work yesterday I could see in her face that she was in an angry mood again.
My D17 shared with me after dinner that her mother was not happy with her.
It started in the morning after I left for work because my W was angry that our Bishop at church had asked to visit with her on Wed. She went on about going to church for the past 15 years and never being asked to visit but now that she is in this situation he wants to meet with her. My daughter muttered under her breath that she had not attended for the past 15 years, but just the last year. This sent the W into a tirade as this is one point that she has pointed out that I did not go to church until recently.

The real issue came a few moments later as the W spoke to my D17 about finding a 2 bedroom place with a bedroom big enough for 2 beds. (for both of my daughters) My D17 mentioned that she should not worry about it to much as she would not be staying there much as she plans to live with me. She will be of age to make this decision by the time any D takes place. My W then blamed me for manipulating her, influencing her and doing whatever to ruin their relationship. My D17 calmly explained this was not true and that she was old enough to make decisions and research information to make the decisions best for herself.
This morning the W continued on this topic with my D17. My D17 called me at lunch as she is not holding up well emotionally with all of this and is sad and conflicted and just wants to run away.
My heart breaks as I am not sure what to do to stop the pain that my babies are enduring right now.
I can only listen and hold them and pray that my W can hurry forward and provide us all some space and hopefully find the peace she is seeking before permanent damage is done to relationships.