I am in a situation where my wife is displaying all signs of a WAW. The most frightening part is that if she leaves she will be moving back to France. I have been practicing the last resort technique and havent been talking about our relationship or the future. I have been trying to go out with friends and find new hobbies. I have started to refocus myself on getting into shape, since when this went down i lost my care for my eating habits ect. Now I am going to the gym and working out at home. If she leaves and moves back to France I believe she will most likely try to find employment in Switzerland, as we have discussed many times before about moving to Switzerland. I am seriously considering relocating myself to Switzerland if this goes down. My thought process is that it will be much more difficult to win her back if we are so far apart especially in different continents! I fear however that if I do follow through with such a plan she may see it as I am still pressuring her to stay with me. Do you think it would be best to spend some time apart, if this happens, before I try to move to Europe? I am going to continue to do everything in my power to prevent this outcome, I have until May then our lease is up and I believe she will move at that point, she is on a green card and we would have to file before May to have it re-newed, otherwise she will have to leave by the time it expires. Any thoughts on my current short term goals of preventing this? Any thoughts on my plans for a long term plan if I need one?
Anime92
First date 12/24/13 M 3/12/14 BD 2/8/16 Working on it alone since 2/8/16 Doing things wrong 2/8/16 Doing things different 3/12/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I have read Divorce Busting and am now currently on chapter 8 of Divorce Remedy. I have been trying to implement the GAL strategy and have also started speaking with a DB coach. I will do my best to help others in this forum and keep myself positive in moving forward.
First date 12/24/13 M 3/12/14 BD 2/8/16 Working on it alone since 2/8/16 Doing things wrong 2/8/16 Doing things different 3/12/16
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am seriously considering relocating myself to Switzerland if this goes down. My thought process is that it will be much more difficult to win her back if we are so far apart especially in different continents! I fear however that if I do follow through with such a plan she may see it as I am still pressuring her to stay with me. Do you think it would be best to spend some time apart, if this happens, before I try to move to Europe?
Do you have children that would be leaving with her? If not, I think I'd wait before jumping right into following her to another country. How could it not be seen as you pursuing her? And, what if you were to move there and she would have nothing to do with you? There you would be in a foreign country without any friends or family.....and maybe no job.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I understand your feelings that if she moves you might lose everything and I know it is hard, but that is out of your control right now so you need to focus on what you can control. Worrying about what might happen months from now is not always helpful, unless you are using that to plan your goals and how you will get to them. Focus on what you have the power to control.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I am sorry you are here. I am also in your shoes and don't know what to do. People here have been wonderfully supportive and insightful. When I am feeling down or desperate, I have been coming here to get encouragement.
There are sadly so many of us that know your pain. Focus on you and gaining strength and confidence. You are going to be OK. There are many of us here that will be rooting for you.
Me - 32 WW - 30 D 11, D 3, D 2 T - 9 years M - 8 years BD - 2/16
We have no kids Me-28 W-23 I only have the month of April as far as I am aware. I seriously believe she will regret this decision later in life. I know how strong a connection we have and I know she is aware of it too! I understand the idea of not chasing her into another country all the reasons are nothing short of what I have been contemplating myself. I feel she had been away from her family for so long that there is a factor of homesickness at play. I would like to say thank you for the words of wisdom. I feel like if I decide to move to switzerland that will be for me I have always wanted to live there myself and have been wanting to go back to school and that would be an awesome experience I would be able to persue a bachelor's as I wasn't able to finish school before. In the meantime I will need to get many things lined up before I could start that journey.
First date 12/24/13 M 3/12/14 BD 2/8/16 Working on it alone since 2/8/16 Doing things wrong 2/8/16 Doing things different 3/12/16
Concentrate on you for the moment.initially use this place to help YOU to help YOU. Read as much as possible and relate it to your situation
I understand the pressure you are putting yourself under with the deadline looming. Without belittling your perception of that I would encourage you to try not focus on such deadlines.The date could come and go and nothing could change.SShe could decide to stay illegally. She could go on a world tour next week. You cannot predict nor control this and stressing over it will not change anything except make you feel worse.
Those are easy words to say but I realise can be hard advice to accept.Even if you do not like this advice I say it to help. In order o get the best advice here, you need to give us more specific details. Esp about your M history and recent problems.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
I will give you any more information, please ask me questions I feel that will be best, as I tend to ramble and loose track.
For starters
We were on vacation when we had a fight that revealed this situation. It started with (from my perspective at that time) me asking her to not be on her phone and just spend some time together. After I asked this she did get off her phone but she gave me the cold shoulder all at the same time. I wasn't opposed to just sitting in silence but the idea I was proposing was to spend the moment with each other in the moment enjoying our company. The next morning she still wasn't talking to me so I started the conversation and told her that I was afraid that our relationship might be failing, she dismissed this comment by saying "I don't want to talk about this right now." When she said that I wasn't able think I can understand not wanting to get into a fight but I felt she could have at least acknowledged that there was something to talk about and then table it for later. So I kept pushing and then she said that she had given up on the relationship 4 months prior (I was shocked!!! I didn't know anything was wrong at least not in a major way for her to give up) I lost my control of my emotions and just started acting without thinking at this point. I inadvertently called her a b**** while calling myself an a**h*** and I grabbed all of our money and passports and walked out. (Bad move on me, I had no plan and didn't think what I was doing would do anything once I was outside I thought she might come out after me) once I cooled down only 5 maybe 10 mins I came back and she was packing her clothes into one of the suitcases I apologized for taking the stuff and gave her book bag back (that's where everything was) and I asked what she was doing she told me she was going to a hotel for the rest of the vacation (2 nights left) I had another rush of emotional instability angry at myself and the situation at hand I needed to release some energy flowing through my body so I turned around and kicked her luggage, it wasn't that I wanted to kick her luggage I would have kicked a pillow or whatever that's just what was there, she took it as very aggressive towards her, which I can understand, I immediately apologized for my actions but she was scared of me at that time. I knew I had to let her leave and go to the hotel I could do or say anything more.
The days that came after I did all the "wrong" things I begged I pleaded I apologized and all the usual initial thoughts. I meant every word I said in all my apologies and every promise to change my actions or behaviors that I had been ignorant to thus far.
Recently we had our 2 year anniversary and this was after being back for a few weeks where I had stopped chasing her(somewhat, I was still unconsciously chasing her without knowing it) however I felt our anniversary was a opportunity to try again in a new way I had already had some gifts planned ahead of time before vacation so I figured I might as well give her the gifts the love letter I had written before vacation and then I also wrote a new proposal in french. This all went very emotionally she told me that she still loves me and cares for me deeply but she needs to be alone and with family, she told me that what happened on vacation broke trust that she had in me.
Since then I have completely stopped the chase. I have read DB and am reading DR now. There is so much love and an incredible connection between us that I feel that something isn't right about this whole thing. I truly believe she doesn't want to divorce. I know I don't want to and I am committed to doing everything I can to prevent it, I have even said that if I have to get a divorce to save my marriage I will- by this I mean I will go through the process but continue to DB.
Honestly not sure how to end this post so
-Fin
Anime
First date 12/24/13 M 3/12/14 BD 2/8/16 Working on it alone since 2/8/16 Doing things wrong 2/8/16 Doing things different 3/12/16
