Hi JJB, Thanks for dropping by my thread when things haven't been easy for you as well.
I know what you're feeling. Xh may not be the only child but he does seem and behave like one. The spouses are not the only ones who yo yo. Apparently so do we.
But JJB, you are right that at the end of the day, we are the ones who want to make things work and they were/ are the ones who don't. Our efforts mean something, if not for the M, then at least for ourselves.
Hang in there, JJB. You're a strong person.
(((Jjb)))
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
JKSD... Yes we do quite a bit of yo yo ing. I am at my high when I am socializing and working. When I am able to get in a spiritual mind set I do better as well.
The coach said there is "a spiritual solution for everything".
To answer Zues question, I think that perhaps that is what makes it so challenging for me to detach.... Spirituality is not as easy for me to commit to as for others perhaps? Some days yes. Others not so much. Husband leaving me was an elective death, not just a death and that is disturbing to me. Maybe I am just grasping at straws.
I have to make it spirituality/positive thought like brushing my teeth or exercising. But it is more challenging for me because I was never engrained with it as a child, so what comes naturally for many of the posters here does not come naturally to me.
I feel different from not all but many of the posters here because I do not have these great memories of husband and I together. I do not have these romantic memories of husband and I (ok. maybe a handful) but not this wonderful beautiful love that a lot of people describe. We bickered a lot. I often felt invalidated by him. I felt like a big nag a lot of the time. I do not remember having fun at all. I remember being annoyed a lot. I felt like he always had to be right about everything. It was not like a romance movie. My life has not changed in the slightest since he left. In fact I might even have more happier times now then before because now I have new motivations.
So I don't understand why I am having trouble detaching. I think I just expected we would grow old together and be there for each other and work through the difficulties of life.
I think to me my husband was like a family member. I would never get rid of or disengage from a child or brother or parent or even cousin no matter what, because they are family. No matter how selfish or unhappy I was. That's how I viewed my husband and marriage.
I guess he did not feel like that. Maybe because of his FOO issues (although parents stayed together) maybe because his friends are all divorcing? (I remember he proposed after his friends were all getting married)
I guess for me to detach I have to accept that husband does not think like me and is allowed to think differently and I have no control anyway.
Ok, I'm really just brainstorming at this point. I have no idea.
More rambling...in beginning, Husband and I used to talk about how nice our relationship was because we had none of the emotional ups and downs. I would tell my friends it was nice to be on that plateau.
I think the problem is that the plateau just became way too low for too long.
JKsD, you described it quite correctly. My emotions are like a yo yo now.
JujuB, while reading your post about your review on your marriage I could see myself! Don't have or remember happy memories, can't remember last laughter with STBHX and I remember nagging a lot. On the other hand I remember him going out a lot without me, working every weekend, hardly any relationship with his kids ( now he is very good with them), letting me in charge of everything while he'd go to the gym or on his phone ( as he said he needed time to relax).
I should be done by now, if I really look at my time with him and the little support I got from him since the birth of our kids and his selfishness, but I still want to save my marriage. So I agree that our emotions are like a yo yo now.
I go through different phases. Often times I relate to the "abuser" or bad guy of the relationship. I read stories from people that left their relationships and their complaints are about things I could have done to my husband. I think... he feels he is leaving a abusive dysfunctional person. Maybe I am that person. Super nice to everyone else, but horrible to him. I never did any of the really nice things I would like to do now, and I did take him for granted and put him last. I was not supportive and hyper critical.
Then other times, I put myself in the victim role and feel like he ruined my life. Left me in my late 30s to live with my parents in an area I cannot afford and neglects his kids. Stringing me along because of finances, possibly cheating etc. that he never met my needs either, and I was merely reacting to that.
I do not know what is truth and that's hard. I guess somewhere in the middle makes the most sense.
Many of the men on this board are willing to forgive horrific offenses committed by their wives. I never betrayed my husband in any way.
I made passive aggressive comments because he was not spending time with the kids. I made passive agressive comments because he was prioritizing work over me.
I complained about things I was just so frusturated by. And he cannot forgive that. His big complaint is that I did not go back to work full time when kids were only in school 2 hrs/ day.
I'm looking at what you just wrote and it's how I was with my H to the T. Like my IC said we only did what we thought was correct at the time with the information given to us. We are only human being. We have our own flaws and I also realise that our H too.
You are a lovely, caring, strong person and true what is happening (censored),but really look back and where you really happy?
I wasn't as I was constantly walking on egg shelves, we weren't communicating, and he wouldn't want to tell me about his day nor asked about mine. So was it a life for us?
I miss him but I only miss the man he was and I'm afraid he is gone. I miss having someone else present in the evening, someone to text during the day. What I have to realise is that yes I have my share in the marriage break up but I was too unhappy but never contemplated cheating on him. He did it and for me it shows that he is the one with issues.
In a way I wish I was like you as you are surrounded by your family, mine is far away and I'm on my own. Even if it isn't easy, cheerish them with all your heart.
What are your plans for today? How is the weather like?
