Reading your last post is like reading what is up in my life too. Kind of crazy the way this people behave and the disregard they have for their own family.
But then thinking a little deeper I see that they don't have the same thinking as we do. I am not 100% sure if I respect the fact that they are going through MLC or if I understand they just don't have the same values we hold.
Your wife is miserable and cares a great amount of guilt and grief. Is this making her depression worse and she does not have a way out? Is this the reason she is around you and keep you hanging in there?
If she decided to leave and have her own life, what is this that keeps her attached to you? And is this attachment a feeling she can rescue or is this the condensed fog she is in and feel very alone and insecure?
There are infinite questions and we may never answer any of them. There are lots of hurtful things, lots of regrets and what ifs, lots of why, why, why...
You know well my story and you know I struggle with detachment. Lately, I have been questioning myself and the answer that always comes to mind is that my values regarding family are very strong, even more then I ever tough it would be.
Also lately, I have been feeling a strong desire to respect myself as a human being that deserves respect. Your life is similar to mine and I can see the struggle of resolving your life as an individual or father.
The individual needs affection, love, sex, needs to feel he gives and he gets, protects and feel protected, share life in deep meanings of compromise and gratitude.
The father, a family man will forget himself when his feet is hurting and he needs a rest, when he is asleep and needs to pick up someone or be at a bedside taking care after the little one. It's the one that will let go on his needs and feel good about the warm hug. The father is the one that will let his separated wife to come and go and share the family life just because he wants to save his kids from pain.
The difference between the two are moral values defined by what we are born wired and what we developed during years in this life mixed up with the love we have for the ones we put in this world.
Is this the wrong thing to be caring and protect the ones you love the most from more pain then what was already inflicted in them? I think not.
Is that wrong to forget the man and all his needs so he can continue be the loving person he can be... the loving father he was, is and will be? I think that yes.
IMHO, we can be good parents and close our eyes and try to protect our kids holding our own feelings so that not one beside us will be hurt. But I think that it just go as far and we too need to be protected.
So, how to gain balance in the middle of a battle? I guess we need to access what is bad, enough and good.
The bad in our situation would be to ignore it all, be selfish and just put an end on it all. Like saying to your wife that she needs to go fly a kite and to disappear from your house. Never put a foot in there.
The good would be if she was making sense of her life, had a desire to love her family over all her issues, work hard to change what she dislikes but still be there.
And then there is the enough one... that in my opinion is the one we need to embrace. It comes with boundaries, sometimes hard to address but necessary for the man. The limitations to where, how, when gives the man a sense of control in his life, but also gives the father a sense of peace because he is still not cutting it drastically.
With enough, you can respect yourself and your space, and you can give the ones you love the part they deserve.
I know from my own heart that I really struggle in being a woman and a mother. But I also know that at some point in time I need to balance both of them. And it is only accessing the situation to see what enough should look like.
This people left us, they sure have their reasons. But the bottom line is that they left us and the family. And in their selfish way they act like they did never leave.
I am getting to the conclusion that we will need to built a very solid wall and come down with the rules we can live with, we can accommodate the respect for the woman/men, and we can save our kids from more pain and traumas.
RD, I think for both of us, it is time to establish what we can live with. Maybe it is time to let our spouses know that we can be caring, loving, but we are also people that deserve better.
Like many times someone said it to me, including you..."Loving distance", it comes to my mind that it is the right medicine for all of us, for all the ones involved.
I have been creating some distance from my H for quite awhile, it is not perfect, but he does not go around my house anymore, he is limited to living room, kitchen and family room. My locks are changed and my garage code is different now. I do not answer the majority of his texts anymore. Slowly but surely, he is getting what he asked for. He is out, so mind as well be gone.
It's very hard to let go on someone we care for, someone we would like closer, but at some moment in time, we will need to say enough and draw some lines. Maybe that's when we will feel a little more at peace.
RD, I hope you can find that balance you need. I hope you will be able to determined what is good for your kids and does not torture you. I hope you will be the father but also know that you are a man that deserves to be feeling good about yourself.
If the man is not cared for, then this man will become a poor father and an unloving friend.
Maybe it is time to lay your life on a piece of paper and see where you can change a bit and make room for your own peace of mind.
Your wife is still part of the family she left behind, as well as my XH does the same. The only reason they do what they do is because we allow it to happen. I think it is time for us to let them live whatever is that they were looking for. Maybe, it is actually the one thing that will make them really think of what their choices are and the consequences of those choices.
You know I care for you, I admire your love and strength for your family. That if we had a closer geographical situation, we would be probably be dating by now. So you know that I wish the best for you, and for this reason I would like that you start thinking how you will enforce your boundaries and yet save your kids from some pain.
I know you can do it. It is hard but not impossible.
