Wife is in love with another man

[shreeve]

Sleeping better the last two nights. Wife called to tell me how much she loves her new career and that they think she's doing a great job / good fit there. Made me feel really happy for her. She wanted to talk a while, so I ended conversation as soon as I could. IC went great last night, getting more tools for coping with the emotional stuff. Still no signs of light for saving M, but lots of positive thoughts of a great future for me. Lost another 4 pounds after I thought the weight loss stalled, fitting into my old wardrobe, some nice stuff, just 10 years out of style! Clothes we bought on the honeymoon are too big for me now...

Don't think I'll make 100% progress getting over things until the "real" divorce is complete though. Should be in two months or so, maybe longer. Then another long emotional journey will start for me I suppose.

[shreeve]

Just a Valentine's Day update! My first Valentine's without my wife in 15 years the IC and support group and this board has helped a lot! WW is still being friendly but definitely does not want to reconcile, is moving forward with OP. They are already thinking of purchasing a house together. I have been sleeping very well lately, and am able to focus more at work. Seriously just want her to be happy and I enjoy when she does call and tells me how well things are going for her in her new career. I'm not sure how realistic it is that we will be friends moving forward, as we will have other romantic interests. I just feel comfortable with the decision, and am ready to move forward with my life. Probably a tough emotional time when we get the legal part of it out of the way, but I feel like I deserve someone faithful / honest / loyal. And am I going to have to start new thread? If so, how do I do that?

[broke]

Shreeve,

I am amazed at how well you seem to be doing at such an early stage. My H started the ILYBINILWY in July and the first 3 months were awful - no eating (lost 27 pounds), no sleeping and some days couldn't function. It has been almost 7 months and I am making lots of positive steps toward my own goals and getting stronger. However, I am nowhere near moving forward towards acceptance. Oh, how I would love to be over the (false?) hope and move on because he was cheating on me and lied about it several times to me and our sons. He has no desire to reconcile and is very cold and indifferent to me. I was not kind or calm like you when I finally received confirmation of the affair. In fact, I would say I was pretty evil for about a month until I realized that person wasn't me at all. I hope that I someday can get to the place where you are at. You seem like you really love her to want her to be so happy after what she has done and you are very supportive of her. I hope she realizes someday what she has given up. And, I hope that you can continue on your positive journey toward acceptance. Thank you for sharing.

[Thornton]

Shreeve,

I mirror what Broke has said.

For you to be able to detach like this is amazing to me. Kudos to you, sir!

Your W on the other hand seems unstable. She already wants to buy a home with this guy??? That's a recipe for disaster.

I recall you saying she had addiction issues, is she currently using substances? I'm sure her addictive personality has something to do with how quickly she is moving on.

Alas, what goes up must come down...

[shreeve]

Thanks broke / Thornton. I'm not sure what it was Sunday, we had a pleasant talk about getting the divorce finished and everything. I imagine I will always care about her and want her to do well. Just something I saw in her eyes, an ugliness / sadness or something, that gave me a lot of peace with the whole divorce thing. She even was going back on her word about giving me the house, and it didn't surprise me at all. Same stuff from years ago when she was having the drug issues. It was the first time I realized that I do not want to be married to this person.

Broke, keep in mind that I have no children involved, I think that makes things much more difficult. I too lost a lot of weight, 45 lbs so far and it keeps coming off. I am able to fit into a great wardrobe and feel like a million bucks every time I get out and about. I am feeling very comfortable in my "singleness". Maybe finding much more hope in my new single life than I do with my reconciliation? The future will just be much brighter for me with someone else, or even no one else. I've met people with similar interests, and am just having a lot of fun.

Yes Thornton, when we started dating she was on probation actually. Turns out she was not "clean" and we broke up and it inspired her to get into AA / NA and she cleaned up. We got married about 2 years after she was clean. I did notice a lot of parallels with her behavior back then and her behavior now. The same irrational justifications / lack of consideration / lack of dependability. I hope this new relationship works out for her, but I do have some concerns about it. She's a smart woman and a good judge of character, so maybe the guy is a good one. I just feel much better about things now, and can look fondly on our growth as a couple, everything we've accomplished / experienced. We had some great times together. It sure didn't feel like "things will get better" for a while there, but after getting out and GAL, things are definitely on the upswing. I'm a performer, and my bookings are picking up, so it's fun work and also very social. It certainly helps me meet a lot of people on a regular basis. I'm still going to IC and support group, and plan to stay with that, even if I cut it down to bi-weekly. Will check with IC for his opinion this week. Like I said, not sure how the whole "legally" divorced thing will hit me, but I have such an amazing support system in place, that I know I will get through that as well.

[shreeve]

Another week down I actually slept for 9 (yes NINE) hours last night. Longest sleep I've had since BD. Usually very happy if I get a full 6 in. Show went great Saturday, met some great people and saw a lot of old friends. WW dropped the dogs off Sunday late afternoon, we very pleasant. Think I would like to maintain whatever kind of weird relationship we have now. It's very pleasant and she usually tells me about her weekend and how things are going for work. She never really brings up OM and I never ask. It's just nice to hear how she's doing once a week or so during puppy drop offs / pick ups. It really looks like we'll both be fine. Still no word on divorce papers or anything, guess she's just to busy with work and everything to deal with it?? I am a bit anxious to get the D final and legal though. Still thinking this is a bit too good to be true, really thought I was going to be somewhat in a daze for at least 6 months - 1 year. I am very cautious about it, hoping I don't get back to lacking focus / sleep and all that anytime soon. Might need a new thread, not sure how to do that. Anyone that might assist with some steps??

[shreeve]

Yes! Another week done. Still sleeping, working well. To add to the BD in the marriage, it looks like my contract will not be renewed for the next fiscal year, so I will be losing my job as well. Nothing critical, I have some other opportunities lined up, but will no longer be able to work from home. That is probably a good thing at this point though. I really do like to get out of the house anymore. WW still friendly when we see each other twice each week. She usually gives me a hug, seems pretty happy with OM, of course we never discuss it. She did say that she is having hot flashes in the evenings when she is sleeping. She suspects menopause. I still never initiate contact, and she seems to appreciate that. Heading to IC tonight, then support group tomorrow. Feeling really good overall.

[shreeve]

Still going good here, we hopefully will sign papers Wednesday (were supposed to sign last week). WW seemed to slow down on the eagerness to get papers signed for a few weeks, which was somewhat puzzling. She is living with OM now and is getting to the point where she feels like sharing some of there activities with me when we see each other weekly. I'm pretty sure that is way out of my boundaries I should have set, but I still listen and am cordial. She seems to want to be friendly and share things, asks for recipes on occasion, just stuff that seems very awkward to me. Still finding my single life legs, but it's a fun process. Haven't had to use any sleeping pills in nearly a month, so I guess things are healing well? I still see IC and go to support group every week. This board and the people here have been such an amazing help in getting through this (I'm probably not "through" yet, but am in a livable / workable / sleep-able state). Thank all of you so much. Hopefully no overwhelming emotions will surface with the paper signing

[TxHubby]

Honestly I can't believe how badly a lot of people here enable these affairs. I feel horrible for you. I wish I could have come across you earlier in this process. As is, these exchanges with her are going to eat you up. You need to cut her out of your life, go NC, and move on. Some day she might reach back out to you. She also might not. For your own health you need to tell her that she hurt you worse than you thought you could be hurt and goodbye. Then you don't talk to her anymore. You let lawyers talk to each other. You need this separation for you own mental health. Right now, her new life, including her new man, and wanting to tell you about it, is a cancer that will consume you completely and kill you. Cut that cancer out of your life and move on. You have no reason to talk to her at this point and all it accomplishes is keeping you from getting healthier.

[shreeve]

Thanks TX, you are absolutely correct. It certainly does seem to trigger something when she mentions such things. I think they are looking to move to another city after the divorce in final, and that will certainly help with the NC. It hasn't kept me from sleeping or anything, but just seems to cross boundaries I am working on with IC. Plus, feels really weird to provide recipe for her to cook for OM, she seems pretty delusional. I see your wife had MLC with PA, mine has told me she is in MLC and is of course having PA that followed EA. Really love the support here and hope I can pay it forward as so many of you have done.