Hi I have still not been able to bring myself to say to my W that I do not want to Carry on with the current living arrangements it breaks my heart to be. In the same house see my W talk to her have her arround but not want to be with me ..,yet I cannot find the strength to pull her to one side and say to her that we need to live apart ...yet I know this is what she wants
I am not much of a man I need to find my balls I know this is not much of a life....and I can do better than this ....do I want to get together with another person ....probably not at least not right now but do I want to be living apart from a partner ....no .....I also know that this current arrangements is leaving my W very unhappy and it must be starting to affect my children as well.
I believe that once I start the process of living in separate houses then there is no turning back and I fear what if it destroys the kids or if I cannot cope and I still cannot see the possibly benefits I cycle arround and arround and I get no where
I know this has all been said before many times I need to take the responsibility to move forwards but I cannot....so I do not .
I feel so weak and this is what my W sees all the time.
[censored]
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
Not to the same house but a house is just bricks and mortar, it just a house just like the millions of other houses out there.
Is there turning back?
Yes, it gives you a chance at R but you need to loose the bad sitch you are in now to have the possibility of going back to a better MR.
What you will have with out the current house is a chance for a new start. A hope that with so much shaken up and change that what's left is all new. A new beginning. The unhappiness that your wife is feeling can not be blamed on the living sitch anymore. It cannot be blamed on you for keeping her in this sitch anymore. It allows you to be free from the blame and then your W will be left to see the unhappiness was hers to own.
Do what works and change what doesn't. Living in house S is not working for you, for as hard as it is you need to change it.
This is not Divorce.
This is Separation.
Let W file for D if that is what she wants. If you don't want D you don't file.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Got to agree with Vise. My house is sold, we're physically separated, is there no turning back? If there was no chance of a return, would I not be spending every waking minute on dating websites instead of popping in to DB?
Look, you can see it's not doing you any good, so why put up with the misery? You're going to the gym and improving yourself, but your W is too close to see the changes and she is obsessed with getting rid of you, so she can't see how her life will be with you not there.
I think you need to make practical arrangements with your W about selling the house and making arrangements for your kids. It's the only way forward, otherwise the damage may become lasting.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I believe that once I start the process of living in separate houses then there is no turning back and I fear what if it destroys the kids or if I cannot cope and I still cannot see the possibly benefits I cycle arround and arround and I get no where
Look carefully at what you've stated above. You are scared to death of "what ifs". You ask what if it destroys the kids. I am asking you what is it doing to them while they are living in this present situation? Look at your daughter and know that that will also be your boys, shortly, if something doesn't change. At least, if you had your own place, you would be able to provide a better atmosphere than they are getting now.
And then you ask the question that truly states, I believe, your biggest fear. "What if I cannot cope"? I ask you, are you coping now? I don't think so.
Then you add, "What if I cannot see the possible benefits and I cycle around and around, and I get nowhere"? Seriously Ghost, that is all you have been doing since you have arrived on the board. You spin & spin and you have gotten nowhere in the MR.
In other words, you have already been living in the things you fear. There is another fear you have that you didn't mention this time. It's your fear of being alone. You may be under the roof with others, but emotionally, you have been very lonely and sad.
You see how this situation has you paralyzed, and you have lost self-respect b/c you can't find the courage to tell her you need to separate. It really concerns me what this is doing to you. You have become so co-dependent that you have lost yourself. I believe any man who can do what you've done with his weight loss and workout program, has courage to do other things in his life. You have to believe in yourself, Ghost. The strength is within you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ghost, got your post. I came out of semi-hiatus to give you some words of encouragement.
The body does what feels good, the ego does what looks good, and the soul does what is good. The body, ego, and soul duke it out every day. Every time you give in to your lower self (body and ego) it lowers your self-esteem. Every time you do the right thing (what your soul knows is good), it raises your self-esteem. You cannot control your sitch, but you can control your response to it. In that sense, you have more power than you know. You have to leave the self-pity party (I have no balls, etc...) and go do the right thing. Like Sandi said, don't worry about the "what ifs". You know exactly what the right thing to do is - you said so in your post - now go do it.
Good luck,
RAI
P.S. This is something that I, too, struggle with. You are NOT alone.
