KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

Re: why shouldn't have turned the profile on, how does this relate to the last relationship - I'm not sure if I was "ready" yet and maybe it was too soon. I sort of worry that had I been in a better mindsight (more over XBF, more happy being on my own and loving myself, etc.) that then I would have been more attracted/interested in this guy, someone who in theory has the values and qualities that I say I want and would be good for me, but because of where I am (and now I'M emotionally unavailable, maybe?) I wasn't interested? And maybe if I kept giving him a chance or pulled my sh*t together I WOULD be interested? And now I've lost another potential good prospect in what seems to be a dwindling pool of good prospects? Some of my friends are telling me I'm being too picky especially since I couldn't say what exactly I was so ambivalent about, so I kept trying to be open-minded. But probably no matter what I'd still feel "blech" thinking about listening to his voice or his general demeanor or that I held up most of the conversation (all those things you don't know about from online profiles but are still really important!)

I was kind of hoping he'd just fade away. But he texted me today saying that he really liked spending time with me so far and that three dates has given him time to think and realize he'd like to spend more time together, how did I feel? So I had to send the rejection text. I did it as nicely as I could ("I think you're a really nice guy but it's just not clicking for me in that way.. best wishes"), didn't apologize (because I shouldn't feel sorry!) but I still feel super cr*ppy about it because I'm usually on the other end and know how it feels. Cried for a bit. I've never actually had to reject someone like this, in my whole life. There were a few guys I went on 1-2 dates with after D was final and I knew I wasn't interested but they just didn't contact me again so I didn't have to deal with it. This was SO MUCH HARDER than I expected. Maybe it's part of feeling like I need to be "nice" and not hurt people's feelings.