Maybell XXXVIII: Settling In

[Maybell]

Hello!

Thanks for asking for an update -- things here have been busy but good.

First off, my girl turned THIRTEEN two weeks ago. I have to work to remember how horrible things often turned with her when she was younger. I'm not going to say she's a dream now, but our relationship is SO much better, and I appreciate that more than anything. Maybe it's the growth I was forced to nurture because of our divorce, but (and I can't believe I'm going to say this) it was worth it to have peace with my daughter.

My boys are great too. S10 is starting to have some tween surliness which amuses me, because he has always been, by far, my sweetest child. And I'm recognizing the importance of S8 to our family; his friendship with his brother is so close and so beautiful, and a source of strength to both of them that they greatly need.

So I'm very blessed in my children.

My parents came up for spring break which was a huge help to me since I'm in a very intensive training program for my new job. Mr. Fantastic went OUT OF HIS WAY to avoid seeing them. Whereas he typically brings them to the door and chats for a minute when he's bringing them home, he stayed in the car this time and made a point of not being seen by them when I was at work. My New Guy went to Easter service with us on Sunday and in the same way, when Mr. Fantastic, waiting on the sidewalk with the kids for me to pick them up, saw my Guy in the car, he vanished immediately. This amused me.

Not so funny, Mr. Fantastic has been going out of his way to ask for things. Whenever we have a successful negotiation about the kids (I've needed help since I started this job and he wanted a weekend off, so we pulled a fairly complicated swap), he takes it as an opportunity to ask for stuff. Like, all the power tools out of the garage of the old house, eight months after I declared last call. Like for me to run little errands for him, or for an electronic keyboard in the basement, etc. It also irks me more than I can say that he has bought a house priced the same as the one I had to sell because of the divorce, all for himself. And it's right downtown, too, and he's very flamboyantly renovating it and furnishing it with all new stuff. Which makes me wonder, 1)what money did I leave on the table in the divorce? Or 2) Is paying for college going to be all on me??? Believe me, I'm trying to let it go. But I've been hearing a LOT about it from the kids, along with more requests to live with him, and given how much I've given up in this divorce in time with them, balancing the work/single mom lifestyle, etc., it grates.

On that note, while I was out with My New Guy over the weekend, I got a text from Mr. F about the Easter service that was followed up with ANOTHER request... And I sighed, pretty heavily. My Guy pressed me to tell him what was going on and I tried to cut it short by just saying "It's terribly awkward to share my children with someone who doesn't share my values at all." My Guy tried to talk me down by saying something about the father of my children (he has a very close relationship with his ex... But that's another story), and I got very upset and said "Why are you defending him?" Fortunately he had just parked the car... He stopped everything and took my hands and talked me through it. I had never been so upset in front of him before and he was very comforting. Once I got started, though, it was hard to pull myself together and it startled me. He was a champ through the whole thing. Poor guy.

We had the most amazing weekend together, though. Not doing much, but just piddling around together. He helped me with D13's bike and we went for a walk, talked and talked and talked... I'm still very hesitant to make much of a commitment and when he met my parents this past weekend I failed to use the term "boyfriend" although he's used the term "girlfriend" several times... But I'm falling a little harder for him every time we're together.

My life is developing in some really positive ways and I'm so grateful. None of this would have been possible if Mr. Fantastic had stayed in my life. I feel like I was never happy while I was with him, that I was always yearning after something I was never going to get, and that my life was a drudgery and that I was unattractive. Now I feel pretty almost every day, and the sky is the limit for me. It's not rainbows and unicorns every minute but I feel a sense of possibility that I never felt when I was Mrs. Fantastic. I never would have thought that could be the case.