Doing everything wrong...

[PacLove]

So out of the blue question, usually when an A is taking place women lose some weight. In my case I believe my W is putting on a few extra. Don't know if it's due to the depressed state she's in or perhaps it's truly only an EA as she claims and not a PA. Thoughts? The fact she spent the night still bothers me but when I look at the txts between them a lot of the conversation is tongue in cheak with no serious passion.

[sandi2]

You are trying to find a way to cope with this mess and tell yourself it is not as serious as the other stories you read on the board.

Not everyone looses weight. If you want to believe they spent the night together and nothing physical took place......then go ahead. If you want to believe it's just an EA....then go ahead.

Men have more trouble coping with the thought his W had a physical affair, and try to discount any EA as being too serious. For a woman, an EA is serious b/c it involves her heart, mind, emotions, and imagination. She can fantasize the EA being whatever her imagination wants. That's why an EA can linger so long, b/c her fantasy builds it to be much more than it is. She dreams of the OM and how wonderful a life with him would be. Even after the A ends, she has to fight the thoughts and dreams in her head.

[PacLove]

Yeah I suppose I'm just trying to downplay the whole situation. It is what it is, whether an EA or a PA, she's still being pulled away from the family.

A question on our custody arrangement, D will stay with me and W will have visitation 2 nights a week and every other weekend at the house (or away if she so decides). I'll make myself scarce when she's there - but do you think this is compromising to much? It seems like with this she's getting her freedom (not having to sleep at the house/do morning routine) but still remains in my D's life. Knowing her, I think she'll appreciate this freedom as I bare all the household responsibilities. The other side me though thinks that she'll see what she's missing at home when she visits...

[CWOL]

A question on our custody arrangement, D will stay with me and W will have visitation 2 nights a week and every other weekend at the house (or away if she so decides). I'll make myself scarce when she's there - but do you think this is compromising to much? It seems like with this she's getting her freedom (not having to sleep at the house/do morning routine) but still remains in my D's life. Knowing her, I think she'll appreciate this freedom as I bare all the household responsibilities. The other side me though thinks that she'll see what she's missing at home when she visits...

I think you're letting her cake-eat with that arrangement. If she is moving out then she should be responsible for your daughter, not stay at the house and kick you out, which is how I'm reading it. You should have an attorney verify the temporary settlement agreement in any case.

[PacLove]

No haven't spoken to an attorney yet - she's only got a room for 2 weeks, after that not sure what's going to transpire whether she comes home or finds something more permanent.

She won't be kicking me out, I'm free to stay at the house while she's there - just probably won't so I can detach.

[PacLove]

I should also add that she'd be picking her up from school, feeding her dinner, HW etc. on the 2 days a week she's there.

[CWOL]

You should definitely talk to an L by now, especially when you are talking custody. A wrong move now might set you back a long ways in the future, especially as a man.

[PacLove]

You should definitely talk to an L by now, especially when you are talking custody. A wrong move now might set you back a long ways in the future, especially as a man.

I could see that if I was the one leaving, but she's vacating the place and allowing my D to stay with me... that should work in my favor in the long run. Anyways researching attorney's now.

[TxHubby]

Boy had I wish I found this site 8 months ago, that's when I first had serious suspicions of an A and confronted my W. She said she needed space and was on the verge of moving out, I convinced her to stay and actually started reading the DB book back then but got distracted when things actually started to improve for a short bit.

Time goes on, I try to be the "perfect husband", forced her to counselling and have been pushy and needy. Even showered her with gifts. What I now realize is that's only been pushing her further away from me and closer to him. I had become obsessive with watching her too which didn't help the sich.

2 weeks ago she sad she's moving out at the end of the month for some space, I again confronted her about the A (with more proof but nothing solid) she again denied it says she's not interested in dating and has no desire for sex.

This week I got confirmation the A is real, it was actually a bit of a relief to put all my suspicions behind me. I now know what's really going on.

I've got 1 week left under the same roof then we will be separated. I started getting out this week on my own, holding back on any communication unless necessary and trying to apply the 37 rules. This weekend our child wants us to do things as a family for Easter, so I will muscle through it but will focus my interactions on my child and less so on my W.

The hardest part is thinking and knowing that when she's with the OM. She's definitely in a deep fog and has been trying to convince me to get out - even see other women (she's trying to give me permission as if to justify her own indiscretions).

She talks about a future at times, we've shared some laughs and she often engages in conversation - this gives me some splintering of hope but again it's hard to believe anything from her right now. She says she's not interested in D, wants to keep the family unit together in some shape or form but how exactly she hasn't figured that out (Cake eating?)

She's turned away from her faith, I on the other hand have committed myself to daily prayer as one way to get through this.

Looking for support more then anything, part of me wants to confront one last time with the hard evidence I now have, but part of me thinks that will just push her away further. Early on in our relationship she spoke out harshly against A's.

In all the reading I've done online there seems to be 3 very different approaches which is probably been the most confusing for me - hard to know which one works best as they all claim success:

1) Confront and expose (shake them out of the fog)
2) Love and ignore (Show them what they will leave)
3) Detach and GAL (Give them space to come to their own terms)

Knowing my wife, or at least thinking I know her, she doesn't like to be controlled (control issues from her Childhood) so 3 would probably be the best course of action. It's just hard to sit idly by.

1 & 3 work. 2 doesn't.

[PacLove]

so interesting comment by W tonight - what if I promise I won't see OM alone... that'll be tough to prove... she's still proceeding to move out Thursday and tell our D tomorrow.