I'm doing everything to improve myself and be reconnected with the family. I'm trying to hit my Ws LL at all levels.
What are my goals for myself? 1. I want to be a better listener and not so chatty 2. I want to learn to be more assertive without emotional bias 3. I want to become physically more attractive 4. I want to be more in control
Anyway. I'll get back to this one. I just had another round with W and want to post about it.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: I absolutely agree with you that a sexless marriage is unrealistic and unfair. You just have to decide how long you are willing to be miserable. You W cannot abuse (disprespect) you one second longer than you are willing to abuse (disrespect) yourself.
As soon as you are ready to draw your line in the sand, declare who and what you are to the world, and OWN that, regardless of what might happen, your life will change. Until that time, you will suffer.
Corri
We are in absolute agreement on that one, Corri. I have, indeed, drawn my line in the sand. At the moment, I'm being patient while she works through some things, but I have let her know that I'm not willing to be patient very long. Time is running out, and either she'll be willing to work with me, or we'll have to stop wasting each other's time...
Ok, W and I just had a long talk. I apologized for the way I brought up past issues etc. and that went fine.
Here's an excerpt from my note to myself to read to her... ---- #1 principal - We are a partnership where both parties do the work, support, motivate and encourage each other while both staying focused on the vision. You cannot just sit back and let me tell you what I want...that's the role of an employee, not a partner. You've lost respect for me in the past because you felt like a "mother" to me, but I don't want to lose respect for you in this process by watching you sit around each night watching tv when there's work to be done. ----
Anyway, I clarified this even further by explaining that we both have individual things we need to work on to boost the amount respect we have for one-another. I briefly touched on some of the things I could improve in myself (like listenening better, being the "man" around the house, etc). I then brought up a few things that she needs to look at in herself. The first of which is her avoidance with looking into herself. (I really hope I didn't make a huge mistake here). I addressed the fact that you can't always rely on yourself to achieve your goals. That I would like feedback when I do something wrong and praise when I do something right. In return, I would like to have her accept the same help because I loose respect for her when she whines about the things she wants but doesn't achieve them. A team helps each other achieve individual and team goals. I feel that I'm about to get flamed here but I addressed the denial /false-harmony cycle that her mother is in and told W that I see a similar pattern in her. I asked W to examine if she would like to have a life like her mom's (who is divorced and hanging around religious morons). I closed by letting her know how committed I was to keeping the family together and that I will do everything in my power to change myself to be the man she's always desired. I also reiterated that I'm not solely the one who needs to change. Igave some big "I love yous" and a kiss on her neck. She asked me to let her "digest" it so I came back up here to get my ass kicked by corri and friends.
It sort of feels like there's a time-bomb in the house that has to be defused and requires two sets of hands to diffuse it.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
It almost feels like I'm on the wrong forum now. I feel like I should be scrolling down the page further. Anyway, what Corri said is true about the vows.
Today was a breakthrough moment because we (at least I) discovered that "respect" is missing. Yes I love her. Yes I honor her (sometimes). But respect....hmmm. For somethings I do like her domestic abilities. She is the best SAHM I've ever met. Not sure if I just set back my therapy 2 years by addressing the things I don't respect her for.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Just went downstairs and she was nice and loving to me. She is trying to learn Calligraphy (I surprised her with a kit when she got home from her trip). I let her know that I wasn't trying to magnify faults, but rather commit to helping her change the things that SHE wants to change in herself. She really has very low confidence in herself. Now the bigger problem of course is not really recognizing or wanting to change anything...but I threw enough ideas out there that I'm sure something will stick. I guess I'm attracted to semi-narcissistic, self-loving people.
As I was talking to her, she spelled out a calligraphic sentence which said "Don't be a poop". Then she wrote "I Love You". I told her to write "I Love Me" (encouraging her to love herself more). She did and then quickly added "at" to the end of the sentence.
Boy if she ever started posting on this site, she and hairdog would be a lethal combination.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
I'm done posting about that last incident today but still would like responses to it.
Another thing happened today. I had submitted my name and phone number to a counseling group in an effort to work on my "talking" issue. You see, It's been a double edge sword because in business I seem assertive and fearless about giving honest opinions. But I also don't know when to put the brakes on.
Anyway, this counsellor called back and started asking me some tough questions about "why" etc. Even touched the idea that I "need to be heard" for some "reason". Then proceeded to tell me about books to read...one of which was "Active Listenening" as she was talking to me, she asked me to repeat back what she just said and I couldn't. Then she started saying other stuff and I still kept trying to finish the other thought. Oh man, she was kicking my ass left and right until she told me that she didn't think that I really wanted to change (doh!) and that I wouldn't qualify for their program. She told me to think about it and that she would get back to me later. Then she asked me to repeat this back which I did and she said "goodbye" and hung up on me. Whoa....how do ya like them apples?.
Once again, this goes to show that I'm carrying around some crap that my W has never made me aware of. It's taken me years of mixed feedback from people to get to the point of thinking it's a real problem. Think of how long my posts are in comparison with others. It's nuts.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Are you sure this "counseling service" isn't a front for an S/M operation? Sure sounds like it. Go read the posts under "When Therapy Hurts". Forget that quack - Active Listening does have its place, but NOT in a troubled marriage. Partners in a marital situation are TOO close to the front lines to be expected to stand back and use it effectively - we have too much at stake.
As for the sitch with your W, it sounds like maybe you two have made some progress. Keep us informed of further developments. Above all, applaud and reward any progress you see, however small.
My W just came into my office and sat down next to me and said that she is finally ready to get real with me. She started to cry and I held her closely. She then looked at me and said that she's come to the realization that she's......gay!!!! WTF? Anyway, I can't talk about this now because she just left to pick my D5 up from school. I'll get back later.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Dave.... I'm looking at the date, but this would be a REALLY sh!tty AF joke... Assuming that it's real... MAN! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{AtlantaDave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
