Need practical ideas to aid my 180/Last Resort.WAW

[bigybiz]

Help, I've been trying to entertain and engage my two Sons during this time of In house separation. We just had spring break - so there was rock climbing, laser tag, etc, etc.

My WW or WAW tells me that I'm now keeping her away from the boys. And she did not want to challenge me on this. I get this is her perception and I can only believe 1/2 of what she does and none of what she says. So what do I do?

I like doing things with them out of the house and in the house. We also do lots with their cousins - my family. I kinda feel stuck.

I always ask her if she wants to join in i.e. movies, meals out, shopping, etc. She is probably joins 50% of the time.

How do I do things in a 180/Last Resort - but also GAL?

Most evening she sits in the basement and chats with her online friends/contacts. At bedtime she comes up and wants to be a mom.

[sandi2]

As long as she has the opportunity to do things with her kids, then don't fret about how much time you invest in them.

This is not an uncommon complaint from a WW. In some cases, she sees her H throwing himself into activities with the kids, that perhaps he didn't do to this extent before the bomb drop. She could feel some resentment or even jealousy. However, if you are not monopolizing all their spare time, then I suggest you let her complaints roll off your back.

She is going to find something to complain about in you.

How do I do things in a 180/Last Resort - but also GAL?

I am not sure what you mean.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2

Thanks for the post - that makes me feel better. Only now am I getting to the point where I let her complaints sting a little less. I'm never quite sure where I'm at.

In the above quote - How do I things in a 180/last resort manner with respect to the kids. If she is really leaving then the kids and I better GAL and start doing things without her. Right now, I say "We are doing this do you want to come..." or if she says let's all watch a movie - after she does not show in 15 min, I pick the movie and turn it on. We are not waiting for you and we will GAL.

But, I'm trying to do the opposite of what used to happen too and sometimes that conflicts with the GAL. I know I have to keep trying things until something works. I just don't know what's working?

Any thoughts about larger family events? She seems to want to spend time with my family, even willing to cook for them this Easter Sunday. Many of them think that's odd. Also, they think I should not put up with her having your cake too.

Again, this is what used to happen she would work hard and entertain the family - that was normal. What should we do in the GAL and 180? Should we say - don't come - your leaving remember or Nobody wants to come to our house because they think it's weird?

What's the approach - status quo or do something different? but at what cost???

Help !!!

[sandi2]

Right now, I say "We are doing this do you want to come..." or if she says let's all watch a movie - after she does not show in 15 min, I pick the movie and turn it on. We are not waiting for you and we will GAL.

IMO, this is the route to go. You cannot stand around with your hands in your pockets while waiting to see what she will, or will not, do. Take charge of your day to day life and GAL. Involve the kids, but don't make all your GAL around the kids. Leave the house and do something without them and without her.

[bigybiz]

Thanks - nice to know I'm on the right track. I'm actually thankful about the in house separation. I'm guessing it would be harder to show how your are changing etc, if you only saw your W once a week or so? As much as I hate that she hides and I should be thankful that I get some regular opportunity to interact. Let's hope that the Easter season leads to some good will and starts some redemption.

I know I'm trying to change and looking for help from above and on earth.

Thx to all the DB/DR out there.

[bigybiz]

The last couple of days have been big for me. I gave up/let go on a couple of "weapons" I had ready for the big fight - when it comes. I realized that so long as I was ready to use those "weapons" I was not going to be forgiving, healing etc. Therefore, how can I expect her to be. I'm sure a lawyer and the rest of the world would have told me I'm nuts - but it's me who has to sleep in my skin.

If control is an issue for me/us so to let go of something like this (it's physically gone too) is huge for me. There is no bringing it back. I don't regret it.

So that was about me - not her. She does not know, and may never know.

[sandi2]

I'm guessing it would be harder to show how your are changing etc, if you only saw your W once a week or so?

JMHO, but I don't think that's necessarily so. Sometimes, living under the same roof is like being too close to the forest to see the trees.

Same as when a person is losing weight.....the people who are with him all the time, are the last to notice.

[G8r]

Like Sandi2 mentioned, sometimes you remain too close. My WW is way too angry to see any of my changes. All she sees is red. One of her comings was that I never use to listen to her. She has repeatedly told me she wants me to move out (I can't afford the mortgage myself but she can) and harps on that as exhibit A that I haven't changed. She still feels that I don't listen to her.

I also try to validate her but she thinks I'm patronizing her. I'll admit that validation doesn't always come naturally for me , but I think her anger biases her perception.

That won't change until we live separately. If I could redo something post BD, it would be to move out. I think it really depends on your specific sitch. Good for some but not all.

Best of luck to you in your sitch. Vaya con dios.

[bigybiz]

Sandi & G8R - Thanks for your input. I know can see if from both sides of the equation now. I guess it has lots to do with your personality and your working style. As I'm always quick to start things and slow to finish - I might view making - consistent changes as a deadline if we were apart. "Oh - I may see her this week - I better clean up, work out, etc". Since we are together, I'm always on the hunt for ways I can change and make improvements. None have been noticed yet - but thanks to the rules Cadet has posted - I get that is par for the course.

G8r - I too struggle with the validation and listening. Since our conversations of substance are very infrequent, I don't get to practice as much as I could. Mostly, we talk about the kids. I do try and listen better and validate with others too - friends, kids, family.

That is particularly hard as when I'm with friends all I want to do is talk - it's like a relief valve.

I just conquered one big item - that was a big tension for us. Now it's time to move on to the next.

[bigybiz]

I just found the "More Do's and Don'ts " forum. Great stuff. Thanks.

M