WillDo, about the only thing you have really told us about is your depression and her affair. If she will not agree to end the affair and work on the M, then what are your options? 1) Separate, 2)Keep things as they are now. You have been here since 2014, which is fine, however, you seem to be asking the same questions and not getting very far along.
From an outsider's point of view, it appears that your depression pretty much rules you life, and perhaps your W feels it ruled the MR, as well. If a person feels that they are constantly the underdog, then they either act accordingly or rebel against it. How much of your depression is low self-esteem? How often do you feel that you are the underdog at work and/or other places?
At this point, MPO is that you do what is necessary to get well. That needs to be your priority. If that means you have to move away from her, so be it. It may take a break between the two of you in order to be able to become better. Staying together in this environment is not helping you. She might be using the affair as her escape hatch from the reality at home..... but, I don't know. It does seem that something needs to change b/c the counseling is not solving any of the problems. Once you get away from her, you might be able to find the man you use to be, or become better. She would have her space and eventually she might be able to see you as a man she wants, instead of just seeing the depression.
As I have told you, I understand depression. I really do. I hope you will not see anything I've said as criticism. It is very sad to see anyone living the way you and your W are doing now. I hope that both of you can find happiness in the near future.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
