B's Bootcamp v3

[Bfice3]

Hello DB Forum!

Hey Rosa! Hey V!

Been a while since I've been here. Lots going on in my life, and pretty much all of it is good, I guess.

I've gotten to the point now (I think) where I'm ready, willing, and able to move forward in my life, for me and not worry about the past or what might have been, should have been, or is going on in my WW's life. (That last part...thinking about her...does occasionally come up and it still hurts a lot...but I'm able to see now that holding on to any of those thoughts only does one thing...they end up hurting me...and only me.)

As I've heard said in AA (two versions):

1.) Resentment is a poison that we make for someone else, but end up drinking ourselves.

2.) Resentment is like peeing your pants. Everybody can see it, but you are the only one that feels it.

I find that I am happier now. I have tons of reasons I could be unhappy if I choose to focus on those things...but I wake up in the morning and most of the time during the day, I'm stress-free...and actually feeling happy.

My kids are happier too. So many great things are really happening with my oldest daughter in particular. She's 15. And she has struggled with introversion and shame...its just obvious to me. She is really so much a young version of myself. But the other night I got them all (3 kids) to get off of their electronics and 'lets just talk'. And my D(15) was actively communicating with me and I noticed it and was really happy that was she opening up and sharing and talking with me. Then I said something like, "even though I'm around you all less now, I think that this situation may actually end up improving our relationship" and my D(15) immediately chimed in with a big smile, "Yeah, you know what, I think it already has, I can tell already."

And that was just amazing to me. She has struggled so much, and my WW and her mother really emotionally beat my D(15) up...and to hear her say that was so awesome. I told her: 1.) I noticed that she was sharing in our conversation and I was glad that she felt comfortable enough to do so and 2.) That for her to say that she noticed the change was awesome because that means not only does she feel safe she is aware of it. It was just great.

I had the kids over for 4 days this week for Easter and we had a great time! Played outside a lot. My S(9) has gone football crazy the past year and just wants to be outside anytime he can and throw, run, catch, call plays whatever. We had a 'meatless' Good Friday with friends and had fish tacos. I grilled some salmon and cod and made a nectarine salsa and it was awesome. Then we went and did the candlelight Easter vigil mass Saturday night and again, just awesome.

What else...oh yeah...we went down to the St Patrick's day parade and had a lot of fun a couple of weeks ago. And I did something that I had been thinking about and just did it. In the car on the way back my 3-month AA chip fell out of my pocket. (My D(15) already knew about AA because of my WW and her absolutely terrible way of handling daughter IC session.) (Also, my WW and her parents are holding on to the notion of me being an addict as something that they can use against me. WW keeps saying things like, do you want your kids to know you're an alcoholic.) So...on the way back home that afternoon, I held up my chip and said I had something I wanted to tell them. I kept it short and simple. I said that the red chip is from a group I've been going to called 'Alcoholics Anonymous' and it represents me not having any alcohol for 3 months, but that (at that time) I was only a few days away from making 5 months sober. I told them my next chip will be yellow when I get to 6 months. I said that, to me, alcohol was something that was in my life that I wasn't in control of, not unlike playing electronics way too much, or overeating, or being extremely greedy, or anything else that could take over someone's life and that I had made a decision to get some help and get control of it. I told them that I was telling them for 2 reasons: 1.) I wanted them to know that I would always be completely honest with them and would share the events and struggles in my life...and that hopefully that would give them confidence if they ever needed or wanted to share something with me about their lives they could and 2.) I wanted them to understand that this was a challenge in my life that I was undertaking and I wanted them to be aware of it so that hopefully through my example they can see that they can overcome challenges in their lives. And that was about it. I asked if they had any questions or things they would like to say and everybody said no, so we just went and had lunch and went on with our day.

It felt really great taking control of that aspect, being honest with my children, and sharing with them the events of my life through the prism of the world as I see it...not as my WW will try to describe it...or anyone else.

Then...that evening...my S(9) and D(11) were hanging out and I walked in the living room and my son looked over and he said, "hey Dad, is there alcohol in beer?" I paused, and smiled, and, "Yes". He stopped, and looked at me thoughtfully then said, "So you haven't had beer in 5 months?" I said, "Well, on next Wednesday it will be 5 months, yes." He said, "Wow, that's really good. So...are you going to never drink beer again?" And I paused, and said, "Well...I can't say for sure, but that is the plan." And that was it.

So, lots of stuff going on. Moved into a 3 bedroom place last weekend and its really great. It was a much bigger emotional deal to me than I thought it would be, because its now like I have my own 'home' that is away from that life I had before. But...its great. Really. Still some good days and some bad. But...in general...more and more good days are happening.

On lawyers and the WW: The lawyer sitch is okay. My lawyer had suggested that perhaps I try to contact someone from my WW's work to see if I could get a witness about pre-separation activity with the OM. (In retrospect, I think I may have misunderstood her, but that's what I heard.) So, there was this guy that she works with who she told me she really doesn't get along with at all. I had met him a couple of times, and I called his cell # I got off of linked in. He didn't answer, but I left a voicemail and said, "Hey this is B, the husband of WW and I was wondering if you would be willing to talk to me about some things regarding WW. No pressure, and if you feel uncomfortable just don't respond, but if you're cool with it, I would appreciate it. Thank you." He never called back and I waited a day and called one more time. He didn't answer and I didn't leave a voicemail, and never called back.

Well...the following week...OMFG. So, WW was apparently out of town. When she got in town I guess this co-worker told her about my voicemail. So, sends me a text saying that I should expect a phone call from her office's (big huge company btw) security department to not contact anyone at her office anymore. AND, that she now has a security detail at her car and at the entrance to her parking garage to keep her safe from me. AND, she told me she was likely going to file a restraining order against me. I didn't respond to any of her texts. I also never got a call nor was I ever contacted in any way from her office or security.

So, then...the next day...the kids were back with me. And at 10:30pm I got a call on my cell from WW. Didn't answer. WW calls the apartment line. I didn't answer. The texts start rolling in: OMG I'm so worried about the kids! I don't trust them with you! You are acting so crazy and I just don't feel like the kids are safe with you. I'm going to come get them in the morning and take them back with me so that they will be safe. My mom and I are now carrying guns for our protection from you because you are so dangerous! ....I never responded...I had cooked baked chicken thighs and fried yellow squash for dinner and the kids were all in bed....then my D(15) comes out and says, "I just got a call from Mom and she wants to know if I'm safe, and if you are acting dangerous, and does she need to come get me and take me home." I still didn't respond to my WW in any way. Then another text comes in like an hour later basically saying...never mind. Freakin' crazy town.

Also...my WW had been telling me she had given ALL of our financial information to her lawyer and that she was going to get this separation agreement so cheap. Well...after over two weeks of trying, my lawyer finally gets her lawyer on the phone and WW's lawyer says that WW has provided exactly 'zero' financial documents and that all that he has done is guesstimating based on what information she has provided.

And then, last week I get a message from WW saying that she is getting a new lawyer and that I should expect to hear from him by the end of the day. Guess what...nothing...never heard anything.

So...that's a lot of typing and a pretty solid update, I guess.

I haven't been coming around much. But that's because I've been really busy and started legitimately working my AA program with my sponsor. Focusing on work. Spending the most I can with the kids when I get them, etc...

I do really like having this place as a resource. I've learned a lot here. And I will make an effort to come back and interact more. I realize that without interaction there's just no way for any of you to be too involved. But anyway..just wanted to share.

Take care all. Hope life is being kind to you all.

-B-