I have as usual been reading along a few of your sitches but have not felt the urge to really post much … I think I am at that point there is not a whole lot to update but I still feel the need to keep adding to this story for some reason, maybe I have a hard time letting go even of this .. lol.
Well just to bring this up to present. W had told mediators she needs to push the joint sessions out, turns out she finally landed a FT job at the company she was contract at and does not want to take off all the time she had been over the past few months. Least that’s the answer I was given when I confronted her about dragging out the D. I have felt a shift in myself and no longer want the limbo I have been in for the past 2-3 years … and in a strange way I feel she needs the divorce … maybe we both do. I still have the gut feel one day she will bottom out and regret all this damage, no idea where I will be at that time but I am not longer in the ‘save my M’ camp .. as I have moved to my own where its focused on healing, removing the drama, and just trying to become a better person from all this realizing there was a reason … one I do not understand at this point but I know deep down this had to happen exactly this way.
I have been very dark with W, she will tm about the dog, S, bills … I reply here and there but a good deal I just ignore as there is typically no reply required from me as far as I am concerned. When she comes over to pick up S I just send him out … I do not really care to see her. When I pick him up its very brief .. I might get a few pieces of mail but no more talks/hugs like last time, nor do I see this changing as its me being very short with her. The other night S was speaking with her and she told him she was sad … little sobs here and there but she told S she would be alright. I found myself actually pleased there was a hint of sadness … the over the top happy super mom stuff was a touch irritating and I know its just a front. I have not seen her much but the times I have she looks good one time, like crap the next … the new clothes phase is back it appears, as is the selfish stuff … she missed S’s baseball game, which she explained to him she wanted to run errands so they would have more time together Sunday. S really does not care if she is there or not so that’s the bright side of it, the other silver lining was I didn’t care much either.
A little side note. I took S out GeoCaching (Its like a scavenger hunt where you use GPS to locate hidden items, outdoors/hiking/active to get him out of the house and off the technology) … something we enjoy and its been ‘our’ thing through this MLC-mess. I will say the R between he and I is amazing, something I can at least look at with all this and chalk it up as a positive. So we are out looking for our Cache … beautiful day, having fun, grabbing our walking sticks which Mother Nature always provides. So S askes me “Dad .. what is a Ho?” Caught me off-guard, I am VERY careful not to speak about W … especially this way. I of course described the garden tool … which he said .. “No the other kind, I asked mom but she wouldn’t tell me” So I told him it’s a bad name that is used typically for a girl who messes around with several boys/guys … by messes .. kisses, hugs, flirts … I tried to be as PC as I could without lying to him. I made sure he knew its not a nice thing to say, nor accuse anyone of and how people sometimes do that even though its not true. He then asked me “Is Mom a Ho?” …. Ugh!!!!! This lead to a serious sit down talk. Thankfully I had just heard a Podcast, one I have been listening to for a few weeks to help me with all things Divorce. I sat S down and told him I did not think W was a Ho, I do not agree with what she has done/is doing but she is an adult and adults make their own decisions/choices. I also shifted the conversation a bit thanks to the Podcast, I told S he is 50% W and 50% me, thankfully he took the best from the both of us, making him 95% good and 5% a pain in my ass .. which created such a wonderful belly laugh and really seemed to put him at ease. I told him seriously he is the best of us both, I tossed in that 5% because of how I am and my sense of humor… just to get him to see how good he is and how this sitch should not make him question that. The Podcast hit on this … if we bash the MLCr our children do the math .. if the LBS is good and the MLCr is all bad that makes them 50% bad and 50% good …. Not a good thing for the kids right? Food for thought I felt the need to share.
Not much more really, I am expecting the D to drag out for months, if not all this year by the sounds/advice that I am getting .. if it ever really happens. Again, I gave her to God , accepted my M is over and have come to peace with that… I did all I could to this point. I still pray for W, I pray she figures herself out regardless is she ends up with OM, alone, S deserves a mother who is not sick with this MLC stuff. Last night a good buddy called me up, we talked for about an hour mostly about his xW and the divorce he went through. He asked me … knowing the entire story … the “what If” question about W realizing what she did and wanting the M again … I honestly told him as much as I would like that and prayed for it over the past couple years, I am not so sure W would do what I would need her to do, we would have to date again … I would need total .. talking TOTAL transparency plus I would like to know how that list of everything wrong with me plays into a new relationship .. those words and things said .. while at the time I disregarded them as MLC cray talk … they were said and they are issues. I just do nto see that ever happening, like I told him .. my W died in a MLC-car crash and I am haunted by her ghost, looks just like her but the woman I loved and trusted is gone.
