Need Help

[Lostman]

Hi Sandi,

Thank you for taking the time to give your insight. I have read what many others have posted and can't tell you how appreciative I am of the chance to share with such a supportive group of people.

I really appreciate your desire to help others in their worst moments.

Affair has been relatively short term. Maybe a month or so. She does not work with him. It's a man from her past.

I am still in therapy and will continue seeing my therapist for the foreseeable future.

I do not remember if my therapist said that was controlling behavior or not. It most definitely was actions of a very insecure man.

I have given up on trying to talk her into the marriage. I can see very clearly that will not work and only pushes her further away.

I believe the A is an addiction and can see that. I have not looked at her phone and won't so I don't really know for certain if she has stopped talking to him or not.

She has balked at the idea of in house separation. I truly believe she still has love for me and is just very torn right now. If she wants to go down that path, I will not be a doormat.

I do know that is why she wanted the kids and her BFF around, but we did go out just the two of us the night before. I had a good time. I most definitely was giving off a huge sense of neediness over the last month.

Yesterday, I spent the day focused on myself and the kids. I didn't pay much attention to her unless she sought it. Sure enough, she initiated kissing and later initiated sex. While we were watching some TV in the evening she was asking if I was OK (sore back, and needed to sit on floor to help it). This was very much not how the dynamic has been with us over the last month. It has always been me watching her, helping her, catering to her, and just overall being completely overbearing. It was this weird attempt to make up for the years of neglect all in a short matter of time.

I won't be texting her and will be continually working on myself this week. It's somewhat amazing to me how small changes have big effects. She could be using intimacy against me, but I am not going to chase it and let her see I need it. Yesterday was a good day, but it doesn't mean things are better.

Tonight, I have a friend and his wife in from out of town and invited W to go with me. She is excited about it and wants to go. It doesn't mean anything and she may be cold to me again today. I won't let that effect me though.