Dropped my son at her place on Thursday morning and think OM's car was parked there. Didn't really want to leave son there but didn't have a choice as I had to travel for work. Got a hostile phone call from W 30 mins later saying he was supposed to go the daycare as the school was closed. I informed her that she didn't let me know that and that since it was her scheduled day with them that it was her responsibility to inform me if there were different plans. Received another phone call later that day that I let go to voicemail, when I listened to it, it was laced with hostility and sarcasm. I just texted later my plans of the time I was picking the kids up on Tuesday to which I got an instant reply with some more sarcasm.
Have spent the weekend by myself, kept busy doing some work on the house and went down to the Alps for a drive today. Struggled a bit at times, but doing ok.
I have also booked tickets for me and the kids to visit Bahrain in May. This will be the second holiday I will do with the kids without her, and an amazing experience for the kids that she will miss. For someone that wanted to talk about school holidays, she has not mentioned doing anything with the kids at all.
Got a hostile phone call from W 30 mins later saying he was supposed to go the daycare as the school was closed. I informed her that she didn't let me know that and that since it was her scheduled day with them that it was her responsibility to inform me if there were different plans. Received another phone call later that day that I let go to voicemail, when I listened to it, it was laced with hostility and sarcasm. I just texted later my plans of the time I was picking the kids up on Tuesday to which I got an instant reply with some more sarcasm.
Hey, good job at not taking the bait. Also, good that you called her hand about the daycare.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Interaction this morning was her telling me all about D cold over the weekend. I don't know if she is just trying to find a reason to talk but the kids always seem to have one ailment or another when they are with her. I have been looking after them mostly for the last 4 months, I think I can handle a cold...
I just listened and focused on D as she spoke, headed to the car while S came out. W stopped and waited for a few seconds before I headed to the car but I just kept focus on D.
In the last week I had to have a couple of interactions with W, completed my first half marathon in 2 hours 3 mins. Extremely happy with that time, now have a colleague who wants to get a team together for a triathlon and have had my kids for the past 5 days. Unfortunately, they were not able to come see me run, they spent the day with W.
I kept the interactions as short as I could, I only interact when picking them up as she always comes out to discuss one thing or another. When I drop them off, I just make sure she opens the door for them and head off. Saturday morning, she came out to tell me S7 had been sick during the night, along with other information I didn't need as I kept going to get in the car. After the second time, just said I had to go and went.
W called on the morning of the run, I hesitated but answered, she said the kids wanted to wish me luck on the run but they were not on the phone, they shouted from across the room. S7 told me later that it was W's idea to call me but she never wished me luck or anything (didn't expect that anyway). I had told her that I would contact her when I was driving home and when I was close to pick the kids up again. She called me again... Again I hesitated but answered. I got a big story of how they were out and she dropped her phone and the battery fell out, she didn't have the pin # with her so if I was trying to reach her that is why I couldn't. I said I hadn't, she said well just in case you had, again I said I hadn't... (this went on another round till I stopped...) She wanted to know when I would be there, I said when. She asked if she should feed the kids, I said great.. SHe then asked if I was ok, I said fine, driving. Then I said bye and hung up.
When I arrived, she camme on her balcony with D3 saying, there he is, there he is like she would have done many times I got home. I just waited for them to come down, got the kids in the car and she wanted to talk again. I hadn't eaten so just said I needed to go and left.
Enjoyed my days with my kids, haven't heard from W. I have to give her a message with how much she owes towards the house bills but other than that I have no reason to contact her. Kids go to her tomorrow after school and daycare.
Work is also busy so that is helping, had a bit of a rough 24 hours but doing better now. Don't know if it's the right thing but removed her from my FB and all photos she was in. Felt right for me.
As has been pointed out to me from family, I have still spent too long at times trying to work out how I got to this point as W has so many different stories,reasons, exaggerations and lies out there. I have made some mistakes as we all do and can hold my hands up to my part and fix those parts.
I also need to focus on the positives. In the last 2 and a half years, I have moved to a country that I didn't speak the language (for the 2nd time in my life), I have built a house in this foreign country and depsite her saying now how she wanted to help more, at the time she didn't, have done most of the paperwork, alot of the physical work myself. I had never laid floors, plastered, painted etc as what I have done in the past year and a half. I have also pushed my career forward from the low production job I first got after moving here to an Engineering position. I fought and battled against the environment here to get it during the past year and got it, something I have been told is unheard of especially in the company I'm in. Was I the best version of myself during this time, no I wasn't, I was so tired and drained that I thought I couldn't be anymore. Then I get this at the end of it just when things were supposed to settle down again... A ugly bisexual single guy is apparently a more attractive proposition...
Anways, if that is what appeals to W then it really is time to move on. I do miss her company of course and I do miss my kids when I don't have them but I need to focus on the postives when I do. The difference between W and me at times is I have regularly done what I said I would do, maybe not always on her timeframe as we need to walk our own path too, but I don't just talk the talk and she so often has. If she needs to cheat and pull the family part to someday realise what I was actually worth, sorry but I feel I'm worth so much more than that.
Several people believe W was banking on me running away home and leaving her everything, I don't know if that's true or not but she has always wanted a house and a garden that she could do what she wanted with, well she doesn't have that now with her small apartment. She actually offered me the apartment and she would stay in the house at one point. As she is part owner, I am content with the silent partner aspect and she is having to finance her half of the house and her own apartment herself. I am only looking after the house.
Am not sure what to do with her work permit situation as it is attached to me and not her job. Something she was very happy to have when we first got here but is now added to the resentment list.
I just read this about resentment. I copied it here, maybe it will help you on your path.
"Imagine you’re a landlord. Would you let someone live in your space if they didn’t pay rent or do anything to make your head space clear? You would kick them out, right? The same goes for letting go of resentment. Why let it stay in your mind to suck your attention and energy? Holding onto resentment is ultimately a sign of dependence and self hurt. Let the resentment go, accept your learning moment, and take action to move on."
Easier said then done but letting go is the right direction. Be strong
So just had my first non kids related text from W today.
She has apparently made her own Apple ID (taken 4 months) and she says she needs to log in to mine in order to log out and is asking for my password. Quote "Would you please be so kind as to share this with me"
First, I'm pretty sure I have already removed her from all my account and I don't believe she needs my password to sign out from what I've looked at. I have read everything Sandi has written and followed many threads and I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg, but I do think the experience of the nerve this mindset has has to be experienced to be fully believed. I'm glad I have this board to get some of these things forewarned.
I haven't responded yet as I'm almost laughing too much at it.
IMO, you should not give her any password. I think she just wants to see what is on your account. Not that I know her personally, but that is how many WW's operate.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was not and have not given her the password, I told her she didnt't need it for what she needed to do and I was able to sign out on my phone without it. Her response was "I'm curious to see how did that cause I can't figure it out" guessing OM and new support group are not tech savy either as it really isn't difficult..
I read one of your posts on another thread awhile back Sandi about how the WW, especially if they have moved out, will come a time when they ask the H for help. I remember you saying this is one of the most important times for the H to be strong and not be available. These words have been ringing in my ears ever since her first text message. It feels like that first one, she has been away for 6 weeks now. I don't plan on helping her do this but I do expect that is what she wants.
