Need Help

[sandi2]

Hi Lostman, glad you found this board, b/c I think it will help you a lot. What are the ages of you and your W?

How long has your W been in the affair? Does did work with the other man?

First, I need to admit that in the last month I have done a lot of soul searching and understand that our marriage is not healthy and I have done nothing to help it. I was too guarded and was not emotionally available to her. She basically had to beg me for attention. Through seeing a therapist and truly seeking answers, I have come to understand that I have let my fear and insecurities control my behavior and negatively effect all of the relationships in my life. I allowed these insecurities to alter my thinking to the extent that I didn't even do what I wanted to in life.

It's good that you are trying by starting with yourself, b/c that is the only person you can fix in this situation. Are you still in therapy?

I find my wife to be a beautiful woman and I am very attracted to her, but she would have to beg me for attention. I would text her constantly if she was out with girlfriends because I needed to know that I was on her mind. I did not have any idea how controlling my behavior was and how unloving it was. I am now starting to understand much of this.

Did the therapist tell you this was controlling behavior? To me, it seems more the actions of a very insecure man.

I have done just about EVERYTHING wrong in the last month. I cried to her, promised change, begged for forgiveness, given ultimatums about the affair, looked for more evidence of the affair, told her all the reasons our marriage could work, etc.

Okay, so you are convinced this does not work, right? Therefore, no need to try it again. Another thing that won't work, is trying to talk her back into the MR. The only thing that will get her attention is your action.

She has not said she wants a divorce, but has clearly said she doesn't know what she wants and that I have caused a lot of hurt for her. She has also said that she will stop talking to the OM while we try to work on us, however, I think she just said that to make me feel better.

When a woman has two men in her life, it does cause emotional confusion for her. The reason is that a woman is designed to only feel romantic/sexual love for one man at a time. Emotionally, she has to decide which man she loves. As long as she had the OM floating around in her head, she cannot feel desire for her H. It just doesn't work. She may go through the motions, but she won't have the feelings for her H when her mind is on OM.

In order for her to get to the place where she can truly start working on the MR, she has to end all contact with OM. If she hears about him, sees him at a distance, listens to his voice, sees his picture, or reads his messages.....it triggers her desire for him and keeps her in an emotional turmoil.

There is one big problem with not contacting OM......at least for her. She is addictive to the A/OM. It may sound crazy, but an A is as addictive as any drug. If she really cuts all contact with him, she will actually go through an emotional type of withdrawal. That period is when it's so hard and is the most tempting to contact him.

We just signed a year long lease for a new apartment, but she has said she doesn't really know whats going to happen and has talked about separation. She has stated that she cannot survive without me (financially) but that she doesn't want that to be the reason we stay together.

Look, here's what she's going to do. She will insist on an in-house separation. That way, she has your finances to support her, and she gets to continue her A with OM. I hope you will not agree to it. I have not seen a successful in-house separation, as of yet. At the very best, you become friends and that's it. Why would you agree to those arrangements, knowing she is only staying b/c she can't afford to make it on her own?

I offered to move out of our bedroom and into our guest room, but she didn't want that. Some nights I have held her in bed (I would never cuddle at all prior to this month) and other nights we might as well not be in the same house. I know that I feel these things now and it hurts me to know that she has felt those things for a long time because of my own distance.

Stop acting as if you are the guilty party. You are the man, and the head of your home. You are leading and teaching your children what a man is suppose to do. He doesn't retreat to another room and give the cheating W the master bedroom. The same goes about the man leaving the home when he is not guilty of cheating. His children need to look at the male's position in the family and see it with respect. He does not retreat to another room like a whipped puppy. I don't think that is what you were doing, but it is the visual picture that is presented to your children, and even to your W. Hold you head high and stop acting as if you are the one who has done wrong.

She wants to go out again tonight with the kids along with her best friend.

You know why she wants the kids and her BFF along, don't you? She doesn't want to be alone with you. She doesn't want you trying to get romantic with her, b/c she doesn't feel that way. It places too much emotional pressure on her. She's okay with fun things, but wants to stay away from the intimate stuff. You probably give off a heavy air of neediness, and I have to tell you.....it is extremely unattractive to a woman. So, try real hard not to smother her with you being too close or with your bodily presence all the time. Know what I mean? Don't be the sad puppy looking into her face all the time. That is such a turn-off. Know what women love? A man that oozes self confidence.

I want to forgive her for the affair and start to move on in a healthier way for me. I know that even if it is too late for our marriage, I can't let this eat at me forever. I have to get off the anxiety roller coaster.

There was something about you that attracted your W before she M you. You need to be that guy again, or become a better version. Jealousy, neediness, smothering, acting pathetic.........is not the route to take.

There are a lot of people here that are in the same boat as you find yourself. I want to encourage you to stay with us and try to post every day. Read other's posts, as well. You can learn from them.

Your M can be saved!!

I hope you will set some small goals for yourself. For example, go all week without constantly texting her, and checking up on her. Find some type of exercise to do when you are feeling anxious.

Make reading the DR book priority.