Yes. Job, I do believe and have believed for some time that Cal has some deep issues to work through with her dad. Her own leanings toward addiction have mixed all that baggage up. She misses me, misses us... but refuses to let go of her current lifestyle and that's okay. Apparently, she has a new tattoo.
Scares the hell outta me how long she will be experimenting with this lifestyle and scares me about how Matt will play a part in it... Matt has struggled with this lifestyle for decades... Will she spend time with Skank OW? Will they all use together? So far, I've managed to keep my girls away from that insanity and now, Cal, is inviting it into her life.
She didn't respond to her grandmother, but received a Happy Easter. She responded with a Happy Easter.
I think it's best I keep my nose outta this stuff with Cal. My life is settling down. Easter was wonderful. Life is becoming normal and the MLC crazee is slowly drifting into background.
He sent Louisa a nice Easter card. I sent a short text telling him she appreciated the card and she is saving it. I received no response. Now, that I know he has been talking to Cal daily, it makes sense I would get no response. Matt tends to fixate on one of us and that's it.
Louisa has shut down the iPad texting app where she communicated with him. It was their only mode of communication. After the Christmas outreach to all three of us, when he promised again how much he missed all of us and wanted to make changes, but was stuck... She sort shut him out. It's almost 2 years since he saw Louisa.
Okay. I've been thinking about my oldest and her current issues with substance abuse and her dad. Last night, she revealed he is calling her daily. I've stepped away from her life to some extent since she told me of the regular marijuana use. I will text her an "I love you" and things like that, but I'm not playing the part of mom who helps her figure out a plan of action for different problems or whatever. I'm done setting myself up and playing the role of cheerleader, secretary, coach, etc... I've been there and done that and I've been burned.
I sorta figured she reached out to her dad... she has seemed really desperate lately, but it was a mixed bag of emotion to hear that this man who went AWOL on our lives is now a daily presence in her life... when she is vulnerable. Still, this is her bag to sort through. I didn't ask any questions about what they discuss or any details. I know she has to work through this.
My PTSD radar went off with a submarine dive alarm. And, I've been sorting through the feelings ever since.
Feeling One... I'm scared of his hurting us again. When oldest D is desperate for someone to fix things... she will throw anyone under the bus, including me. She has... that means Matt may now know about my being fired and our living situation in Asheville--housesharing, etc... in other words, he may know the sordid details of my life which I hate.
I know this man is a loaded barrel of midlife crisis, depression and addiction. When I have time away from him I feel such anxiety when he comes back into our lives. Sending the text about the Easter card filled me with fear. I know this is a normal reaction. I did feel the card warranted some validation for reaching out nicely to Louisa. He mentioned me in the card and wished all of us a Happy Easter.
Feeling Two
Talking to Cal was weird. We were laughing and talking and she sounds like the daughter I love and adore. However, she, then, tells me about her conversations with her dad and I know she is using and my trust level just drops to the bottom of the bucket. I sense my walls thicken and I shut down... I don't trust her a bit and that hurts. I've always suspected she had some need that was driving her to work through issues with her dad via the drugs.
The bottom line fear... He will take someone else I love away. I will be hurt again. I will be betrayed again... only this time by my daughter and Matt.
I know some of those fears are my past experiences talking, but, none-the-less, those are the fears. He will hurt me again and, this time, Cal will be are part of it.
All I can do is to continue to protect Louisa and I. Move forward with our lives and get settled more and more.
We had a wonderful Easter. The best we've had in many years. When Matt and addiction and his parents creep back into our lives... I find myself so blessed to be away from all that insanity.
I like living transparently without having to read into what people are thinking, doing, saying about me and wondering about the lies and secret drug use and the secrets... all the secrets and backstabbing and hurt.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
