WAW is angry and filing divorce

[SH_]

Thank you sandi2 for giving back and sharing your insights and 1st hand experiences.

I am a little confused. What do you mean by she left you and the three year old for 3 months? Where was she staying during those three months and why did she leave? It is difficult to understand how a mother could leave her three year old child for that long, but maybe that's just me.

To clarify this, my W wanted to move to Arizona because some friends of ours had done so the year before and shared that is was a great opportunity. I was not so sure and really did not want to live in Arizona. But my W convinced me it would be good for us and we should just do it. My W is very spontaneous and makes decisions big and small with very little planning or thought. So she decided she would just go to Arizona and live with our friends and get a job and that I would stay behind and try to find a job long distance to maintain some stability for income. Her job search took about a month and I had more challenges being so far away. So it took about 3 months before I got a potential job and basically came down to Arizona while in the middle of the interview process and crossed my fingers. I got the job but it was a horrible job and led to the struggles of the next couple of years.

I have known some women who threaten the H with divorce every time they turn around. Usually, it starts as emotional blackmail.

I agree that this is how I saw it, because my reaction the first time was not good and she now says that is why she has not left sooner. She claims that she thought i would do something bad. But her perception of how I reacted is not quite in line with my memory of it. Unfortunately my oldest D has a bad memory of one of the times she threatened to leave.

Did your W's extreme mood swings seem to begin all at once or within a short period of time.....or has it been more of a gradual buildup? You have no idea what may have triggered her?

The mood swings have started suddenly since about 2 or 3 weeks after the BD. Looking back she has always had a very even temperament and that is why I have been in such shock over the past 2 months. I have not seen it so frequent. I can think of times in the past that her mood would swing to anger, but it usually would happen in an argument, not just so random.

It doesn't make sense that she doesn't tell you what the problem is, unless she is projecting onto you something she believes to be true or something maybe she is guilty of herself. One thing for sure, it is serious and appears to be causing a lot of turmoil. You may want to consider getting a counselor or clergy to talk to your daughters, b/c this must be terrible for them. I can only imagine how it could affect them.

I agree. I am currently speaking with my older D to encourage this as she has really withdrawn and I want to make sure she has an outlet. I am also seeking out advice for my youngest as she is feeling the effects, but does not understand what it is all about at her age.

Does she talk as if she won't move out until she has filed for divorce?

Yes, she says no one will rent to her if she does not have money so she wants our money split too take her portion. That is why I spent time with a lawyer so I could get that in place. We have savings, but she wants the money form an Inheritance that I have as well and seems poised to fight for it in spite of the laws in our state to say she does not have a claim not it.

Protecting you and your daughters is the priority now. Just don't try to discuss the MR or anything that might send her into an uncontrollable rage.

Yes, this is for sure the strategy I am working to keep in place until space can be put between us.

Is there anything in her family history that would give any clues as to why she is acting this way?

My perception is that her family was never fond of me as I was an outsider. Her family is from a small town and lost all of her siblings married a spouse from their town and knew each other for a long time. There was an incident about 8-10 years ago when we were visiting them for the holidays and staying with her parents. The W and I had an argument over money (when we were still in debt) while at her parents house. After the argument she went into another room and was crying when her father came into the room. I don't know what was said, because I was upstairs, but then I heard the father screaming and yelling and demanding that she leave me. It was quite the rage. I ended up leaving their house and staying in a hotel for a few days. Her mother reached out to me and apologized and spent the next several years trying to smooth it out. Anyway I have long worried that her family would pull her away from me and I perceive that she is getting such support and encouragement from the family that is what is pulling her away.

I believe that my in ability to meet her emotional needs and her great desire to have her families approval is fueling this.
I have had some that know us and her mention of late that she has made comments over the years that emotions are not real and that she always seems way to even keel so to speak. Basically she has not really showed emotions of any type over the years except for when they are extreme. My daughter mentioned that she has never seen her mother cry. And I have only seen her cry on a few occasions and it was typically when she was mad. She has mentioned a number of times in the past 2 months that she had checked out so long ago that she is hollow inside and has no emotions for anyone.