Feeling he's in MLC, but in D process

[ciluzen]

Job,

I don't know if H is jealous of D25. He always had a very close R with her...they look very alike and have many of the same personality traits (fun, gregarious, quick sense of humor, seemingly very sure of themselves but kind of insecure underneath). They were "buds". For some reason, he has taken a dislike to her new H (as soon as they met!) and this has damaged his relationship with her. I think it is partly because he somehow sees sil as a rival, but also because he sees that sil has traits out in the open that H also has, but tries desperately to hide (awkwardness, insecurity, anxiety around new situations or stressful situations). He sees him as the epitome of weak. I have taken the time to see his strengths, though. H doesn't want to be around him...at all. And sil has never done anything wrong...except marry H's daughter.

D23 and H always butted heads while she was younger. He used to say she would do things purposefully to tick him off or as a slap in his face. His relationship now with her seems to be a little more respectful. He listens to her advice and ideas, even though he refers to her as a "basket case" as she is being treated for ADD, anxiety and depression. She is going into the psych field and has a gift in working with teens with difficult/criminal problems. He has gained some respect for her opinions and new found calmness in analyzing a situation.

I don't think he is jealous of what they've accomplished. I think he doesn't see it as accomplishment. He is a health care professional. He actually looks down on D25 for being in graphic design...even though she works as hard as he does. No one works as hard as he does. I think he's more jealous that they have their whole lives ahead of them and time to make mistakes (he feels he doesn't?), but he is controlling enough that he thinks if they would just listen to him they wouldn't make any mistakes.

As we were in the thick of R talk on Easter, I mentioned at one point when I told him he sometimes took things as a personal slap, that he used to think D23 was doing bad things to slap him in the face. He said he had given up on that idea. He sounded very sad as he said he had given up on a lot of ideas...our marriage, our house...
I'm not sure what he meant by that.

Also an interesting note (to me at least). He has mentioned in R talks (I guess R talks to me are more "relationship" than "reconcile" at this point) that I am embarassed by him. He used as example a pair of crazy patterned ski pants he wears. He was relating the story of when he bought them and how I was so embarassed and kept saying, "your not going to buy those?!". As he told the story, it went from me being embarassed to me being angry, then me being livid! He insisted that I was angry and that I was then angry at the whole shopping experience and that I was angry at him for making me go. And then that I was angry at him for even wanting to ski! So basically he went from me being embarassed of him to me being angry that he was a skier and therefore I didn't like him. This was in 10 minutes. This was an interesting insight into his line of thinking that I hadn't really seen before. Scary, actually. How do I overcome that?

Of course, I found myself defending and explaining myself during our talk. Tried to ask him questions to better explain himself and then allow me to defend or explain my side of each story...all the wrong things.

I am glad we were able to pull out of it and end on a calmer more friendly note. But I can see that he wants everyone to just leave him alone and let him do what he wants to do, without judgement. He doesn't understand how he is affecting others. I told him D25 was very upset when he chose to not come to her house for Easter and he looked truly puzzled. "Why would she be upset?" He has no idea.

Each time we have these interactions, it oddly just makes it easier for me to detach. I'm realizing how little is left on his side other than "comfortable and familiar". I'm not even sure he thinks of me as a friend. And this after a really fun day skiing together. At least I'm becoming a better skier through this.