W told mutual friend she won't contact me until she's done w ow. Mutual friend says she's 99.9% sure W will make the right choice, that she's truly struggling, but wants to be w me. Other mutual friends (some) are turning against W, thinking she's a fool to leave me. The drama continues. WTH can't she just leave ow? W says she has to please everyone (except me I guess) and that ow is pressuring her since ow left her BF to be w my W. WTH? Meanwhile I turn friggin 60 in 3 days. Will W just ignore it? The Gays of Our Lives. Tune in tomorrow.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Something in what you said reminded me of how children of divorce will often take out their frustrations on the parent they feel closest to - meaning, treating them worst, because they feel secure in the relationship and trust they won't be abandoned.
They will often work hard to please the parent they feel insecure about, at the expense of the 'safe' parent.
It sounds like your W feels very guilty about several things right now. It is an unfortunate situation she has put herself (and of course you) in.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Ny I know all want to get our lives back and our WAS and I can not speak about having another person who W is with as it hasn't happened or at least not to my knowledge but reading the last post it sounds as if you are ok with being the backup plan.
Is that true? Are you ok with waiting until she is done the realtionship?
If not, then what are you doing to prove that? I know the heart still feels the pain and wants.
Have you given thought to what it may be like when she gets tired or bored with OW and wants to come back? Have you thought how that resentment and lack of trust you will have is going to be?
I do believe the best thing you can do is become confident and independent and have a life without her. And yes meaning enough goin on to start forgetting her for periods of time. I know this is easier said than done but if this can't be done and she comes back and everything is just swept under the rug I see s repeat.
And I don't just mean we talked and she knows I don't want that again. I mean real work.
Just my thoughts I still believe we can all get what we want but we have to have some self respect and then build new relationships if that is what happens.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
What else am I supposed to do? I'm fighting for my relationship with everything I've got. I'm also reading and staying busy and buying a couple of new outfits and using anti-wrinkle creams (LOL), and exercising (I ran 5 miles yesterday, second time I ran since last Memorial Day), and making friends, and posting happy peppy pictures on FB. What you're suggesting is an attitude shift. But when I wake up after 5 hrs sleep and all I feel is her loss, and my wrist is sore from snapping the rubber band so I don't think of the ow with her, then what? I can't just change what I feel, hard as I try. I could write on here only when I'm confident and keep the insecurities in, but that would be disengenuous.
Thank you for all your support and suggestions. I'm trying.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Ny I know and wish I had the answer. I guess all in trying to do is keep you from getting hurt more and help with the pain. In the end I'm trying to get through myself.
I know when the inside won't let us do what will help is awful
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
The harder you work at the R the more it moves out of reach. The reason is obvious really, and very hard to do. Detaching means being observing of the outcome, doing that which works for you irrespective of your R.
Becoming the best you can be means concentrating on you and considering what you want..
60 is a marvellous age. You will know when you get there.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I know it's been a rough week babe. For both of us. But hey, we got through it right? And next week is going to be a little bit better.
I was thinking about the "are you okay with being someone's second choice" comment. And I guess, since I"m also dealing with a wayward, I don't really think I'm the second choice. I guess I don't believe the OW is actually my competition, so it's not a matter of him choosing her over me. It's him choosing what is easy over what is right. So with that in mind, if things ended with the OW and our spouses realized they wanted to do what is right, not what's easy anymore, then yes, I can take them back. But they have to convince us of that. Thats the hardest part of this for me, and i suspect for you too. Believing that *I'm* the prize. We want them back so badly that it's easy to forget that they're the ones who done f*cked thigns up. I want desperately for both of our spouses to decide to do what is right. To fight for a relationship. To fight for us. But it does need to be a fight. It can't be them coming back just because their plan A didn't work out. I think your W has the potential to do both. She's said things that make me think she'll put in the work. I know it was incredibly painful to see her with OW. But when you think of it as an addiction, something she has to work through herself, for me at least, its easier to see the signs that they're crawling out of rock bottom. But just like we slip, they may as well. The hardest part for us is not reaching down into the hole and helping them climb out. They have to do that themselves. Otherwise they'll never appreciate what they've gotten back.
I say of this of course as I stand there ,watching my H not even try to climb the walls, but instead make the bottom of the hole his new home. I hope he'll realize he doesn't like the darkness. I think your wife has seen that she doesn't like the darkness and is starting the climb but you have to keep yourself strong. Be the guiding light (or lighthouse). If you try to help her get to the top, she'll never be as committed as you need her to be. The hardest part to remember when you want her back as badly as you (and me both) do is that them coming back isn't the end. It's the first step.
So what do you do? Be strong, don't put up with her bullsh*t. Light her path but be prepared for her to fail a few times. But don't reach out and make her journey easy. She knows what she has to do, and only she can do it. And that royally [censored] for you. To watch someone you love fail to do what needs to be done. We're here for ya. I'll grab coffee with you as often as you want while I"m in town.
Happy early birthday!
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
Meanwhile I turn friggin 60 in 3 days. Will W just ignore it? The Gays of Our Lives. Tune in tomorrow.
Bwahaha. Sorry - I know how you feel, I wish i didn't. My W has somehow managed to make me feel old, something I was coping just fine with 5 months ago.
You? You ran 5 miles? Yeah, make me feel even older.
This is BS though - your WW knows exactly what she's doing, and she's playing you. You're letting her. If she wants to be with you she wants to be with you, end of story. But she's cake eating and stringing you along. If she wanted, she could walk away from the OW tomorrow. Tonight. But look who it is she chose to walk away from.
In a way I'm glad I've cut off communication entirely. On one hand, it means that there's no potential of moving forward. On the other, it means she can only dole out so much torture.
Doesn't matter if your W remembers your B-Day or not. Seriously, weigh them both the same. Consider it a coin toss on her part, and put no more value in it than that.
Go out, have a fan-frickin-tastic birthday. Don't look back. Think of right now, live in the moment. Don't worry about yesterday, don't think about tomorrow. I know you and your dear friend can make a great time of it.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
What else am I supposed to do? I'm fighting for my relationship with everything I've got.
Not sure if you saw my post as it was on page 11 of your closed thread. Pasting it below. I seem to echo some of the others. Not saying it's easy, or that you are doing it wrong if you think of her or have feelings. But you can't cling anymore. If you need help understanding the difference between standing vs. fighting, and giving up vs. moving forward, ask away.
How can you expect WW to let go of OW if you can't let go of WW?
Act with the character and strength you wish she had. If you can't do it you have no right to expect it from her. Continue in this love triangle and she's not to blame.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
