So good news is I have been back to exercising and in much better mood Focusing on being more positive, and trying to be a better person all around.
Watched an interview with thick nat hanh on Oprah and I often think about how he recommends communication and validation. Need to do more of this.
Bad news, is i am not able to embrace any positivity around or for husband. I am mad and when he came by today with his mom to spend some time with kids for holiday, I just could not let my coldness not show. It is true. I either pursue or push away with coldness. I did not say anything passive agressive. I was polite bus very distant.
Husband was the same with me and it was hurtful.
I had been doing well but I was really hurt about husbands indifference and about how he was capable of ending things. Then I thought about how I must have been an awful wife to him in order for him to be capable of walking out. Especially since there is supposedly no other woman. (If true) then I thought of little ways he was awful to me the year prior to BD and realized he no longer loved me to treat me that way. Then I remembered how badly I treated him after children were born and realized I am guilty too. I don't remember doing many nice things for him, so maybe he is right in his assessment. Sometimes I feel like an an awful wife that was lazy and abusive. Other times I feel like he is an only child that has no way of knowing how to work things out as a family unit and communicate.
I guess we both contributed but like our whole marriage we have completely differing opinions regarding what to do. He feels it's better for all involved to separate. I feel like it's better for all involved to work on repairing marriage. Some internet sites and books say it's better to divorce and then others say its better to stay in marriage.
Who knows. Maybe I'm wrong in wanting to repair. Does not matter anyway. It takes two to even do so.
