Oh, thanks for the confidence but to set the record straight, I am nobody special. Just a former wayward wife, trying to pay forward the help I received and maybe tell about the WW's mindset, and what I've learned from others. You will get a lot of encouragement from people here.
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Once I finished school she had dreams of big things and convinced me to move from Utah where we lived to Arizona and she came down and left me and my D who was 3 at the time for about 3 months. It was a challenging time and we got further in debt while I played single dad and worked and tried to job hunt in Arizona so we could come down and be a family
Okay, I am a little confused. What do you mean by she left you and the three year old for 3 months? Where was she staying during those three months and why did she leave? It is difficult to understand how a mother could leave her three year old child for that long, but maybe that's just me.
I have known some women who threaten the H with divorce every time they turn around. Usually, it starts as emotional blackmail.
Did your W's extreme mood swings seem to begin all at once or within a short period of time.....or has it been more of a gradual buildup? You have no idea what may have triggered her?
It doesn't make sense that she doesn't tell you what the problem is, unless she is projecting onto you something she believes to be true or something maybe she is guilty of herself. One thing for sure, it is serious and appears to be causing a lot of turmoil. You may want to consider getting a counselor or clergy to talk to your daughters, b/c this must be terrible for them. I can only imagine how it could affect them.
Does she talk as if she won't move out until she has filed for divorce?
Protecting you and your daughters is the priority now. Just don't try to discuss the MR or anything that might send her into an uncontrolable rage.
Is there anything in her family history that would give any clues as to why she is acting this way?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for the encouragement. I have asked her to speed up her efforts to leave to grant us all some peace. I worked with a lawyer Saturday to determine how I can push it along as my W is stalling it because she wants money and is afraid she cannot support her dreams of moving on. Her biggest focuses have been on money and the child support I would have to pay.
I appreciate the support and encouragement to protect my little angels as they are the most important and the reason that I have been able to gather the strength to get through each day of this ordeal.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you sandi2 for giving back and sharing your insights and 1st hand experiences.
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I am a little confused. What do you mean by she left you and the three year old for 3 months? Where was she staying during those three months and why did she leave? It is difficult to understand how a mother could leave her three year old child for that long, but maybe that's just me.
To clarify this, my W wanted to move to Arizona because some friends of ours had done so the year before and shared that is was a great opportunity. I was not so sure and really did not want to live in Arizona. But my W convinced me it would be good for us and we should just do it. My W is very spontaneous and makes decisions big and small with very little planning or thought. So she decided she would just go to Arizona and live with our friends and get a job and that I would stay behind and try to find a job long distance to maintain some stability for income. Her job search took about a month and I had more challenges being so far away. So it took about 3 months before I got a potential job and basically came down to Arizona while in the middle of the interview process and crossed my fingers. I got the job but it was a horrible job and led to the struggles of the next couple of years.
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I have known some women who threaten the H with divorce every time they turn around. Usually, it starts as emotional blackmail.
I agree that this is how I saw it, because my reaction the first time was not good and she now says that is why she has not left sooner. She claims that she thought i would do something bad. But her perception of how I reacted is not quite in line with my memory of it. Unfortunately my oldest D has a bad memory of one of the times she threatened to leave.
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Did your W's extreme mood swings seem to begin all at once or within a short period of time.....or has it been more of a gradual buildup? You have no idea what may have triggered her?
The mood swings have started suddenly since about 2 or 3 weeks after the BD. Looking back she has always had a very even temperament and that is why I have been in such shock over the past 2 months. I have not seen it so frequent. I can think of times in the past that her mood would swing to anger, but it usually would happen in an argument, not just so random.
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It doesn't make sense that she doesn't tell you what the problem is, unless she is projecting onto you something she believes to be true or something maybe she is guilty of herself. One thing for sure, it is serious and appears to be causing a lot of turmoil. You may want to consider getting a counselor or clergy to talk to your daughters, b/c this must be terrible for them. I can only imagine how it could affect them.
I agree. I am currently speaking with my older D to encourage this as she has really withdrawn and I want to make sure she has an outlet. I am also seeking out advice for my youngest as she is feeling the effects, but does not understand what it is all about at her age.
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Does she talk as if she won't move out until she has filed for divorce?
Yes, she says no one will rent to her if she does not have money so she wants our money split too take her portion. That is why I spent time with a lawyer so I could get that in place. We have savings, but she wants the money form an Inheritance that I have as well and seems poised to fight for it in spite of the laws in our state to say she does not have a claim not it.
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Protecting you and your daughters is the priority now. Just don't try to discuss the MR or anything that might send her into an uncontrollable rage.
Yes, this is for sure the strategy I am working to keep in place until space can be put between us.
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Is there anything in her family history that would give any clues as to why she is acting this way?
My perception is that her family was never fond of me as I was an outsider. Her family is from a small town and lost all of her siblings married a spouse from their town and knew each other for a long time. There was an incident about 8-10 years ago when we were visiting them for the holidays and staying with her parents. The W and I had an argument over money (when we were still in debt) while at her parents house. After the argument she went into another room and was crying when her father came into the room. I don't know what was said, because I was upstairs, but then I heard the father screaming and yelling and demanding that she leave me. It was quite the rage. I ended up leaving their house and staying in a hotel for a few days. Her mother reached out to me and apologized and spent the next several years trying to smooth it out. Anyway I have long worried that her family would pull her away from me and I perceive that she is getting such support and encouragement from the family that is what is pulling her away.
I believe that my in ability to meet her emotional needs and her great desire to have her families approval is fueling this. I have had some that know us and her mention of late that she has made comments over the years that emotions are not real and that she always seems way to even keel so to speak. Basically she has not really showed emotions of any type over the years except for when they are extreme. My daughter mentioned that she has never seen her mother cry. And I have only seen her cry on a few occasions and it was typically when she was mad. She has mentioned a number of times in the past 2 months that she had checked out so long ago that she is hollow inside and has no emotions for anyone.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
I feel really gross after spending the Saturday with a divorce lawyer. Not something that I ever imagined doing in my life, but at this point space is needed and she will not move out until she has "her money" as she calls it. I learned more about divorce proceedings and the ugliness of it than I ever wanted to know. The good was that this lawyer is really focused on the family unit and the benefits of a good set up to take care of my daughters and maintain a working parental relationship with my W afterwards.
Yesterday I sat down with the W and went through the awful experience of actually having a conversation that was focused on how to divide time up with my youngest daughter. This is the part that hurts the most. My baby girl should not have to go through this and it really hurts. I can handle the GAL for myself but knowing of the many challenges that my D5 will go through just feels like an ongoing sucker punch over and over. And to make it more difficult, is that she is more engaged in this planning than any of our previous family and relationship planning in recent memory.
Anyhow I will find the strength and I will figure out how to take care of her and I will work on making myself a person that she will regret leaving and I will place hope and faith in the future as that is al I can do now.
Thank you all for the support and words of encouragement so far. I have never participated in an online forum of any kind and was nervous to do so here, but I do not regret doing so.
God bless all of you that are in this difficult situation and those that have survived it and are supporting us.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
As bad as it was, it's good you made the move to talk to the lawyer. My GD was five when her mother had an A, divorced my S, and immediately moved the OM in with her and the kids. The first six months were really hard for that little girl, b/c of how things were handled. After the first year, she was able to deal with the situation a little better. I'll tell you what broke my heart, was the day she told me that nobody would talk to her about it. She wanted her questions answered, and nobody would give them to her. She said she felt everyone just pushed her aside. So, my advice is to get someone qualified to talk to your little girl. Sometimes the family members are hurting so badly and are too close to the problem and just don't know how to help the little ones cope.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My D17 is a super smart and intuitive girl and she shared some thoughts with me that may provide some more insight on my W situation. My D17 is in a psychology course and she likes to share what she learns with me. She shared that they learned some stuff about MLC. She feels strongly that her mother is going through this based on her behaviors and things that she says.
Some of what my D17 shared is that my W is focused on buying a house traveling and buying everything that she feels lie buying. W has made comments like, her brother and his wife could die today and say they had a happy life. W spoke with the woman that did daycare for our daughter for almost 3 years after not seeing her for more than 2 years and found out that she divorced her husband of over 20 years because she went to a high school reunion by herself and ran into her high school crush and he was nice to her. When she returned home she decided after a few weeks that she wanted to be with someone that was nicer to her instead of her husband of over 20 years so she divorced him.
And the list goes on. Anyway, it may be a case of WAW and MLC for my W.
But I know that my focus needs to be on my girls and myself, so the goal is to move forward and hope and pray she can find what she needs or realize before it is to late what she is giving up.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
