1) How does one read into what she's thinking when she constantly brings up plans for the house? ie certain renovations, re-organizing, gardening etc.? I see this as she's in a confused state and may still see herself moving back in one day (gives me hope?)
Well first of all, don't take hope in what she says, b/c it means nothing. She is in la-la land. You can't read into what she's thinking unless you are as looney tunes as she is. This is not the only WW who talks about plans for the house, as she's packing her bags to leave. It is the insanity talking, and if you try to make sense of it....you will go nuts.
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2) In our long discussion about the A earlier this week, she doesn't see a future where I can trust her again nor where she could feel comfortable as I'd always be watching her. She's been on the other side of an A before so has personally experienced how long Trust can take and doesn't want to have to put our relationship through that. I just don't want this to be the sole factor in preventing her return one day if she's got this in her mind. How can one present to her that Trust can be rebuilt and that it's worth it? And does one do that now or later?
Trust can be rebuilt. However, why do you, the betrayed spouse, believe it is your job to sell the idea to her......the unfaithful spouse? Shouldn't she be the one trying to get you to believe she can be trusted again?
See, that's what's misconstrued in the thinking of some LBH'S. I mean, the very idea that she cheats on you and you are trying to convince her you can trust her!! That is not how to deal with a wayward. (Besides, she's just playing games with you when she pulls this kind of stuff, to see how hard you will beg her stay). When she rattles off that kind of stuff, you should either say nothing and just let her rattle........or agree with her. Say, "You may be right", and then leave the discussion. That is about the quickest way to shut her up. It's all hogwash anyway, b/c she has no intentions of doing any changing in herself to save the M. This is nothing more than the wayward's manipulation and b.s.
Look, until you realize that she should be the one down on hands and knees begging for another chance.........you will lose at any attempt in getting her back.
I will never forget my D telling me, "You know you would not have put up with daddy doing like this for one second". My answer? "You are absolutely right, I wouldn't". He should have kicked me out on my butt. He should have told me I didn't deserve him, and he was going to find a woman who loved him and would be good to him. It would have yanked my head around so fast, and would have changed the dynamics in our MR. I had always been the one to put distance between us, thus I was in control of the R. The pursuer is never the one in control of the R. Don't you see?
You are allowing your cheating W to be the one putting distance between you, when it should be you distancing. You are acting as the pursuer, when it should be her. Your actions are saying, "Wait, honey, don't leave me for OM. I can change and become worthy of your love. I will prove that I can trust you, just give me a chance". Obviously, you have no idea what a turnoff this is for a WW. In fact, I dare say this was the very dynamic of the MR before she ever had an A. She pretty much called the shots, and you followed. She could say or do whatever, and you would conform. So now, she's still in charge. She knows how to work you, to get what she wants. She says you all will go for a family bike ride.........and that's what you do. You are trying to think of some excuse to get out of it, instead of just standing up to her and telling her, "No, I'm not going".
In the majority of stories that come to Newcomers, we see this same dynamic in the MR. The H thinks his job is to make the W happy, therefore, he is suppose to do whatever she wants. He thinks, "happy wife = happy life". He basically becomes a "yes dear" type of H. She looses respect, becomes resentful, and sooner or later she acts out in some form of rebellion. Then he chases after her, thinking if he can get her to change her mind, they can works things out. But she doesn't want him, b/c the attraction is gone. Nothing he says is going to really change her mind.
As long as a woman can mistreat and cheat on a man and he tries to get her to stay with him..........she will not be attracted to him.
You said after you received the DR book, you got distracted from finishing it b/c things started to get better for a while. Would I be guessing anywhere close by saying you saw things better based on her attitude, behavior/actions and the interactions you had with her? That is what I surmise that most H's determine that things are better or worse. However, the problems or issues are not resolved. Solutions are not sought out b/c as long as she is okay.....that's good for him. Only thing, when you have a wayward, the "better" does not last for long, without getting solutions.
I don't know if what I have said makes any sense or not. Bottom line is you have to change the dynamics in the relationship you have with her, and you don't have to be under the same roof to do it. It must start in how you think.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
