Re: V is for Vanilla 29

[Zues126]

Giving up means what my higher power wants isn't going to happen.

So giving up has never been an option, when my time comes my higher power will move me on to the next phase of existence and I will let it. They will have to push me from this world and pull me from the next. I will not go willingly.

I resonate with this. There is tremendous power in this. Like that of a mountain. It doesn't push, or exert it's force on things around it. But anything that tries to push the mountain over will meet resistance and feel as if the mountain is pushing back. And no amount of force in our natural world will be enough to push the mountain over. That doesn't mean it's trying to push back. It simply won't give. This is how I feel.

This determination, tethered to the belief that your higher power wants you to manifest your gifts and celebrate your life...this leads to amazing things. Whether you are trying to beat anyone or not. The only thing you are competing with are the temptations to settle, or the path of least resistance. I feel this way a lot as well.

I also agree that I don't need a legacy. For me, it's more a matter of being able to look back at my life and know that I did the best I could with the gifts I was given.

I especially like the part about having to be dragged away. I feel that way during a pool match. I picture clinging to the table with cat's claws. I won't give up. I will keep clawing, and clawing, and when they finally win and tell me I don't get to play anymore I will leave claw marks on the table when they drag me away. That is the mindset I try to maintain.

So quiet determination and a personal legacy of nothing more than the satisfaction that you lived the best you could. This is all Zueslike (not that that means it's good or right, just very similar to me).

I do also think I have some anger beyond this. What we're describing above generates most of my energy. But I am not always just a mountain. Sometimes the forces acting on me fire up another energy. Like I keep standing there, unmoving, while these forces try to sway me. Eventually I get angry at them, get tired of being a mountain, and I want to destroy those forces. So, if those forces are self doubts, I fend them off, fend them off, fend them off. I get angry that they are picking on me, and I use that to strengthen my resolve and not let them 'win'. But at some point I get fiery. I stop being tentative and deliberate and defensive, and just say 'I am not going to be bullied by you anymore'. Then I turn into an offensive machine, and instead of just standing immobile, I turn to destroy that which was nipping at me. So in some ways maybe I'm not a mountain, I'm more of a volcano.

One instance of this was a pool tournament I played a few years ago. Match after match I felt emotionally weak. I was whiny. I was scared. I was uncomfortable. All on the inside of course, no one else could tell. I played hard and won my matches. But I felt myself thinking weak thoughts, and I was frustrated about that. I refused to let that phase me, and I kept up the good fight. But finally I was up 4-1 going to 5 in a match, and I kept catching myself wishing my opponent would just slip and let me have the match. That's not the attitude of a champion. I ended up winning that match which put me in the finals, one match left to play for the tournament. But I was SO angry at myself. I told myself "you are not here to win this tournament. You are here to be the best player you can be. Sure, you can be whiny and weak and you still might go on and win this tournament, and your friends will still congratulate you, and you will still get your first place check...but YOU will know that you were weak. And while you might be good enough to pull off a win here today with that attitude, it won't take you to the finals of the US Open, or the cover of magazines, or ESPN. How are you going to accomplish those goals if you are afraid of losing a set in a local tournament?" I was SO mad at myself that I just erupted. I refused to play weak. I ATTACKED those voices. I was furious as the author above described. Sure enough I played the finals, and instead of being tentative, or tight, I absolutely ran the table over. I shot harder than normal, was a bit more reckless, but offensively so, and I made no mistakes. The finals were over in 20 minutes and I won 5-0. I was still angry, I broke my cues down and put them away, shook my opponent's hand, grabbed the money, posed for the picture, jumped in my car with my buddy, and started speeding for home. I was still so angry I didn't talk for about 20 minutes. Finally my buddy said "That was about the most cold blooded thing I've ever seen". But it was all because I was so fed up with letting my fears nip at me.

Anyway, just sharing a little about myself. In the end I don't know that's necessary. From what you've told me you are gifted, feel compelled to release those gifts, and won't allow anything to get in your way. If you can do that calmly from a place of wisdom, that seems just fine to me. In my mind there isn't a problem unless you're not getting the results you believe you should. Is there something you feel you're not achieving that you feel 'white anger' would assist with?