Unsure of what's next

[iwad]

I replied to him, via text "Thank you very much for taking care of the taxes. I really appreciate you doing that. I have copies".

He immediately replied with "Of course. I will make sure to pay the balance when the statement comes".

He then sent a text saying he will take over paying for our storage unit. I replied with "I understand. I need some time to figure out what I will do with my things and then get back to you".

His replies (4 texts) "Keep them there" "I'll cover the cost" "I'm not dropping you from health insurance either" "I can try to do the car insurance too".

I did not reply...

I feel like he is just trying to be nice to me to make this easier on me because he is feeling guilty about wanting a divorce. It seems like he is trying to wrap things up and move forward, although I understand this is my assumption only.

I don't want to text with him anymore and today I feel even more hopeless that he is certain about his decision.

PATIENCE I keep telling myself...

If he sends anymore texts I have told myself to not reply...

I like the 48 hour rule and look forward to any thoughts.

[Cadet]

I think by answering I wanted to have communication with him, I miss him... I do understand that nothing I say will change his mind and was not trying to accomplish that in my response to him.
I am just not sure how to engage him from here?
How will anything happen if I just sit in silence?
Is that better?

OK I am going to try to break this down a little bit.
I understand that you miss him and that is quite understandable.
You missing him is something that is in YOUR control.
So that is something YOU can work on, and where detachment and GAL come into play.

As far as engaging him,
I would not sit in silence but start working on how you
can be a better YOU.
Get a hobby, take a class.
Read DB/DR, read the homework.
Read threads on this board.
There are lots of things that can keep you busy.
I took some online classes for free on a site called coursera.
What else do you like to do?
So if he is going to get better you have to lead the way,
not with words but with actions.
YOU have to be the best possible version of yourself possible.
What were things you did before you met him?
What are things you never had TIME to do?

That is the direction you need to go.


Questions?

[iwad]

Thank you for the advice. I am doing all of those things actually, keeping myself very busy so that I don't get bogged down. I have read DR/DB.

My question was more to have to engage at all with my H. Since we are LDR the only communication we can have is text and calling.

[iwad]

Well I think it's over and I need to accept it. He doesn't seem to be upset about this at all. In fact he just sent me another text thanking me so saying goodbye to his parents and that I "have a good heart". There is no love or conflict on his part, just mine. So I give up.

[iwad]

So *should* I give up

[iwad]

Will anyone respond?

[Sotto]

Hi Iwad, I'm sorry for your current situation. I guess I would ask - what does giving up look like to you? Does it look like you filing? Do you want to file? I would say it is early days in your sitch and sitches can be pretty uncertain. Your H may seem certain - but who knows for sure in the longer term.

Also, I don't think giving up really lessens the pain in any way. We still have to go through it and get to the other side - and DBing is as good a way as any I think. Try not to worry about there being limited contact just now. If you were the pursuer in the R, it does no harm to become the distances. We have had sitches where there was a reconciliation after months (and even years) of NC, so try not to panic about that.

Things that do strike me though. Yours is a relatively young marriage and you have no kids together. Were you together for a good while before getting married? Only you can decide how long you choose to leave the door open. In my case, I have done so for almost 2 years and my H is about to finalise 'his' divorce. That's not the outcome I wanted - but I have been where you are and I have travelled a long way forward to a better place by consistently posting on the forum, GALing and working on myself. Truly, I see a good life for myself going forwards with or without H.

I would encourage you to read others threads too - the more you read and post, the more you will attract posters to your thread. It truly is the case with this forum that you get out what you put in.

Do take care, continue with the LRT and keep posting xx

[Sparkls]

Hey Iwad. Sorry there hasn't been a lot of activity from us here yet, it's been a rough week for many of us (myself included) and we kind of hibernated a little.

I'll come back and respond a bit longer shortly but I just wanted to give you some encouragement. WS seem to always talk in extremes. We are getting divorced, I don't love you, this will never work. And life is never quite that black and white.
What I suggest you do is remove yourself for a bit and really, really try and put yourself in your husbands shoes. What do you see as possible reasons that he's gotten to where he is. A large part of this is *his* problems and you can't change them. The only thing you can do is make yourself someone he can't continue to blame for his unhappiness.

The one thing I also worry about with LDR (I did one with my H for 3 years) is are you sure there isn't someone or something else in the picture? I have no idea if there is or isn't but it's something for you to just be wary of.

But as cadet and sotto have said, the more you tell us about your relationship, what it used to look like, what it does look like now, the more helpful we can be.

The one thing I will tell you is its still early, there's no reason to throw in the towel unless it's what you want

[kirklan]

dont throw in the towel. if you were a controling W, i can give you a perspective from my side the H

[iwad]

I guess I would ask - what does giving up look like to you? Does it look like you filing? Do you want to file? I would say it is early days in your sitch and sitches can be pretty uncertain. Your H may seem certain - but who knows for sure in the longer term.

Thank you Sotto for your and Sparkls comments. I was feeling pretty lonely on the board.

To answer your questions, I think giving up just means moving on and accepting that he is gone. I don't want to file, but I assume he will at some point.

We do have a young M, in many ways I feel like we have not really given it a real "go". We married relatively quickly after we met, eloped, and have been together for about three years now, two married. It seems most DBers have been married for much longer, so perhaps that does not bode well for me?

Sparkls, thank you for the guidance. I have stepped back, leaving him alone, only responding occasionally when he reaches out to me, and thinking about why we are here. He has been very clear regarding why he is leaving and he is right about the unhealthiness of our M. I need to show him that we can be calm together, not volatile. How can I do this when he is across the country?

The separation has been the real killer. Between him getting out of the army (Colorado), going immediately to graduate school (Boston), and then immediately to his new job (SF) - where I was to join in December - the space has been incredibly hard.

When I came out for Christmas he seemed genuine that he wanted to try and make this work - he came to me. Then in February it was one bad phone call and all progress was dashed and I am back to him leaving.

He became extremely depressed when he started this job (already suffers from PTSD and depression). It is demanding - leaves at 6am and gets home at 8pm or 9pm. He also hates living in SF and wants to leave (he has been staying at Air BnBs the whole time he has lived there because he does not want to sign a lease). I was his support system, his only support system.

I am not sure that there isn't someone else. There very well may be. I think that now he might be coming out of the depression and has met someone - giving him a high - and that is why he has decided he longer wants to be with me.

I have read a lot of posts. I have thought about responding, just feel that I don't have much to offer. From both Sotto and Sparkls replies, it seems like perhaps my sitch is too much to overcome - distance, young marriage, OW.