Thanks for the compliment V. There is some good and some bad. For now I'll focus on the good.
I have learned a few patterns in my life, formed by a few core beliefs. That my life is about manifesting my potential. And that I have been given tremendous gifts and nearly limitless potential. Deep down I feel if someone else can do something, than I can do it too. And that it would be accepting mediocrity to do anything less than my best, and settling for less than what I'm capable of triggers a deeply rooted distaste, I suppose this would be white anger.
I have heard it said that there are two different motivations that competitors have. Some want to beat everyone else. Others don't want to be beaten by anyone else. They sound the same, but they are different. I am in the second category. I have no desire to beat anyone, or to prove that I am better than anyone else. But by God, I cannot accept the idea that anyone will beat me, or will prove better than me, and I will not allow that to happen. If the result ends up that I beat everyone else, well, so be it.
But where did this come from? Can it be learned? I don't know V. I'm not always sure if it's a blessing or a curse, but it seems I have always felt this way. I know that I was raised in a high pressure environment. Named after my grandfather who was fairly famous and exceptional in many ways. I was supposed to follow his footsteps and do some amazing things. And I was always talked to about my 'potential'. In my family if you did something nearly perfect, you'd be questioned about why you weren't perfect. A classic example was when one family member got a 96% (24 out of 25) on their driver's exam. They needed 80% to pass, and only half the class passed, this family member passed with 24 right on their first try, highest in their class. This prompted a dinner conversation about the question they got wrong, wondering why that mistake was made. And so on.
I can also tell you that I was the youngest of 5. My four older siblings are 3, 4, 5, and 6 years older than me. And whenever we played games I always lost. I was always beaten. Everyone was always bigger, smarter, faster than me. I couldn't keep up. It was very difficult for me. I lost so much to my older sister, it drove me crazy. It made me feel insufficient to my soul, and I was determined to beat her. I devoted my life to competition, and I trained relentlessly for many years. It's almost like another deep motivator of mine is to not be bullied. Not bullied by others. And not bullied by my own fears and doubts. I have a lot of doubts, voices telling me I'm not good enough, it doesn't come as easily to me as to others, no matter how hard I work I'll never be as good as them...to that voice I reply "I don't care what you say, you can't trick me into giving up. I know that if I maintain my focus on the results I want, make optimal decisions, try my hardest every day and every moment to do the best I can with what's in front of me, and never, never, never give up, there is nothing you can do to stop me, the only way you can stop me is by tricking me into thinking I am not going to get there, but I will never lose faith, regardless of how horrible I feel, or whether I go years without sign from the universe that I am on the right road, I know that if I keep taking one step after another that NOTHING can stop me, and in the end I'll get to my target". It's almost like my life is a battle against my own fears and doubts.
I've met thousands of pool players and thousands of sales people. I'm not sure how much is learned vs. how much is innate. As a hiring manager I quickly learned that the idea of recognizing people with potential and trying to develop them was a failure. You needed to recognize people with drive to use their potential. The funniest interview question I ever asked was "If I have 100 people in my department, ranked from highest to lowest performer, where would you fit in?" You'd think that in an interview people would all say "at the top". They DIDN'T. Some people would say "top 10%". Others would say "top 20%". Some would say "at least in the middle". I was shocked at how honestly they answered. And you know what? They were telling the TRUTH. For the most part. Those that said top 20% would end up about average. Those that said top 10% would end up in the top third. Those that said they wouldn't accept anything less than being #1 would usually be top 10%. And those that said they'd be at least average I would never dare to higher. Isn't that funny? People thought they'd get credit for honesty, but I need people that want to win! (Incidentally, when I joined the company I wasn't asked this question, but at the end of the interview when I was asked if there was anything else I wanted to add I looked at my future boss and said "Just so you know, if you hire me I would come here for no other purpose than to be your #1 performer in 2009". And you know what? I finished #2 out of over 100, and partly because I was in training January-March and couldn't overcome the lead, but I passed everyone else from way behind in the 2nd half of the year).
So out of curiosity V, how competitive are you? Out of 100 people, where would you be ranked?
I have thought a lot about motivation. I think to awaken it there has to be a connection to one of your deep, deep beliefs about what's important in life. You can't just decide to care about something for no reason. You have to uncover reasons, and tether it to your primary drivers. So let me ask...what are your 2, 3, or 4 deepest beliefs about what life is about? What's most important to you? What would you like to be remembered for, the 'tombstone' test? And what, exactly, would you like to be more motivated to do? Is there any way to link them up?
White anger has hurt me in many ways as well, I have been out of balance a lot of my life as a result. But I am happy with who I am, and love using the gifts I've been given. Yesterday I played pool all day, and did some things that were nothing short of peak experience. I was in the zone, emotionless, dialed in, feeling nerves in the cue stick practically...but driven as well. There is an excerpt I'll end with from "The inner game of tennis" that talks to the importance of white anger:
My own attitude toward competition went through quite an evolution before I arrived at my present point of view. As described in the last chapter I was raised to believe in competition, and both playing well and winning meant a great deal to me. But as I began applying the principles of yoga to the teaching and playing of tennis, I became noncompetitive. Instead of trying to win, I decided to attempt only to play beautifully and excellently; in other words, I began to play a rather pure form of Perfect-o. My theory was that I would be like a yogi, unconcerned with how well I was doing in relation to my opponent and absorbed solely in achieving excellence for its own sake. Very beautiful; I would waltz around the court being very fluid, accurate, and "wise."
But something was missing. I didn't experience a desire to win, and as a result I often lacked the necessary determination. 1 had thought that it was in the desire to win that one's ego entered the picture, but at one point I began to ask myself if there wasn't such a motivation as an ego-less desire to win. Was there a determination to win that wasn't an ego-trip and didn't involve ail the fears and frustrations that accompany ego-trips? Does the will to win always have to mean "See I'm better than you"?
One day I had an interesting experience which convinced me in an unexpected way that playing for the sake of beauty and excellence was not all there was to tennis. For several weeks I had been trying to get a date with a particular girl. She had turned me down twice, but each time with what appeared to be a good reason. Finally a dinner date was set, and on that day as I finished my last lesson one of the other pros asked me to play a couple of sets. "I'd really like to, Fred," I replied, "but I can't make it this evening." At that moment I was informed there was a telephone call for me. "Hold on, Fred," I said. "If that call is what I'm afraid it is, you may have yourself a match. If so, watch out!" The call was what I'd feared. The excuse was a valid one, and the girl was so nice about it that I couldn't get angry at her, but as I hung up I realized I was furious.
I grabbed my racket, ran down to the court and began hitting balls harder than 1 ever had before. Amazingly, most of them went in. I didn't let up when the match began, nor did I relent my all-out attack until it was over. Even on crucial points I would go for winners and make them. I was playing with an uncharacteristic determination even when ahead; in fact I was playing out of my mind. Somehow the anger had taken me beyond my own preconceived limitations; it took me beyond caution. After the match Fred shook my hand without looking in the least dejected. He'd run into a hurricane on that day which he couldn't handle, but he'd had fun trying. In fact, I'd played so well that he seemed glad to have been there to witness it, or as if he deserved some credit for my reaching that level-which of course he did.
But anger couldn't be the secret to ego-less tennis, or could it? I hadn't been angry at my opponent or at myself. I was simply furious in such a way that it took me out of my mind. It enabled me to play with abandon, unconcerned about winning or playing well. I just hit the damn ball, and I enjoyed the hell out of it! It was one of the most fulfilling times I'd ever had on the court.
The key seemed to be that something took me beyond myself, beyond the sense of ego-trying. The kind of trying that Self 1 does to feed its self-image was gone, but in its place was a strong, unwavering determination to win. Paradoxically, winning at that point mattered less to me. but I found myself making my greatest effort
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
