What you need in your marriage are BOUNDARIES. I posted this back in February:
Quote:
There is a difference between drawing a boundary and making a threat.
THREAT: If you don't change, I am going to leave you.
BOUNDARY: I want a certain type of relationship, and it is this... x,y,z. You are happy, I am not. Will you work with me and do whatever it is we need to do together, as a couple, to make our marriage happy for the BOTH of us. If you can't I understand and I respect that. I will hang in here as long as I can, but I don't know how long that will be. You need to know I am very close to the end of my rope.
There is a difference between the two statements. One is clearly a threat. The second is leaving open to your W room for her to make a choice. No, she does not have to change. You have not demanded it. You have simply told her you are not happy, you have asked her to work with you to fix the situation, and if she can't, that's cool, you don't want her to do anything she doesn't think she can do. But for your part, you will do your best to hang in there for a long as you can, and that is all you can do.
While your anger is understandable, it is going to get you NOWHERE with your wife in terms of her really 'hearing' you. When you have a boundary conversation, there are no expectations attached to it. It is simply a statement of how you feel, what you want, what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren't willing to tolerate. There is no need to apologize for the things you want and need in life, but you have to have the courage to OWN these things, to stand up and say, 'this is who and what I am. If that doesn't jive with who and what you are, that's cool, just let me know so we can stop wasting each other's time here.'
There is NO REASON for anger. All anger does is mask a fear or a hurt. Rather than making yourself vulnerable and showing that fear or hurt, a person gets angry to get whatever is causing the hurt or fear away from them.
Scenario: you want to be close to your wife. She rejects you and that hurts very deeply. Instead of making yourself vulnerable by expressing that hurt in a language and manner she can understand, your survival instincts kick in to proctect you, and you get 'angry.' Your anger 'pushes' her away -- she's not stupid after all, she can tell when you are pissed, right? But anger does not make for warm and cozy. This turns into an endless cycle.
You have to stop the vicious cycle where she is in control of the situation (she probably doesn't WANT that role, but you have given it to her and won't let her out of it -- "I have a need, and you need to meet it). Instead of a partnership, you now have a power/control scenario set up between you.
Boundaries effectively end that. It takes some time, yes, but it forces a level playing field where everyone feels like they have a choice. They may not like the choices they have, but they do have a choice. You stating your boundaries in a loving yet firm manner (AND STICKING TO THEM) communicates with your wife in a completely different way.
There is a very real problem in your relationship and bringing your wife's attention to it through setting a boundary will communicate to her how serious you are -- you getting angry after she turns you down is in essence a temper tantrum and she doesn't take you seriously. She feels attacked and completely justified in withdrawing from you. See the difference?
