What you need in your marriage are BOUNDARIES. I posted this back in February:
Quote:
There is a difference between drawing a boundary and making a threat.
THREAT: If you don't change, I am going to leave you.
BOUNDARY: I want a certain type of relationship, and it is this... x,y,z. You are happy, I am not. Will you work with me and do whatever it is we need to do together, as a couple, to make our marriage happy for the BOTH of us. If you can't I understand and I respect that. I will hang in here as long as I can, but I don't know how long that will be. You need to know I am very close to the end of my rope.
There is a difference between the two statements. One is clearly a threat. The second is leaving open to your W room for her to make a choice. No, she does not have to change. You have not demanded it. You have simply told her you are not happy, you have asked her to work with you to fix the situation, and if she can't, that's cool, you don't want her to do anything she doesn't think she can do. But for your part, you will do your best to hang in there for a long as you can, and that is all you can do.
While your anger is understandable, it is going to get you NOWHERE with your wife in terms of her really 'hearing' you. When you have a boundary conversation, there are no expectations attached to it. It is simply a statement of how you feel, what you want, what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren't willing to tolerate. There is no need to apologize for the things you want and need in life, but you have to have the courage to OWN these things, to stand up and say, 'this is who and what I am. If that doesn't jive with who and what you are, that's cool, just let me know so we can stop wasting each other's time here.'
There is NO REASON for anger. All anger does is mask a fear or a hurt. Rather than making yourself vulnerable and showing that fear or hurt, a person gets angry to get whatever is causing the hurt or fear away from them.
Scenario: you want to be close to your wife. She rejects you and that hurts very deeply. Instead of making yourself vulnerable by expressing that hurt in a language and manner she can understand, your survival instincts kick in to proctect you, and you get 'angry.' Your anger 'pushes' her away -- she's not stupid after all, she can tell when you are pissed, right? But anger does not make for warm and cozy. This turns into an endless cycle.
You have to stop the vicious cycle where she is in control of the situation (she probably doesn't WANT that role, but you have given it to her and won't let her out of it -- "I have a need, and you need to meet it). Instead of a partnership, you now have a power/control scenario set up between you.
Boundaries effectively end that. It takes some time, yes, but it forces a level playing field where everyone feels like they have a choice. They may not like the choices they have, but they do have a choice. You stating your boundaries in a loving yet firm manner (AND STICKING TO THEM) communicates with your wife in a completely different way.
There is a very real problem in your relationship and bringing your wife's attention to it through setting a boundary will communicate to her how serious you are -- you getting angry after she turns you down is in essence a temper tantrum and she doesn't take you seriously. She feels attacked and completely justified in withdrawing from you. See the difference?
Bad fantasy, SD. Let it go and leave it alone. Find another. It won't bring you anything but frustration and grief.
AD: Just a question... have you ever yet flat out told W that the M is on the line here? I mean, have you specifically stated to the effect that this issue is a deal-breaker for you, and if it can't be resolved in a reasonable time frame, you're prepared to end the M over it? If not, maybe it's time. But it's not the kind of thing you want to say in a fit of anger. It has to be done matter-of-factly, without yelling or nastiness. Emotion is good, but the emotion here would be sadness, not anger.
Many of us seem to fantacize about other people, sex, situations, what if I did this or that, just to try and stay sane in the reality that we have to deal with. The fantacies seem to help short term, but long term just it makes me all that more frustrated. We know how destructive it would be if we acted out these thoughts so we supress them as much as possible. That is so hard not to act on impulse.
As long as we are alive and kicking there is ALWAYS hope. Even CeMar has hope, that's why he is here. He, along with many of us, experience deep degrees of helplessness, of feeling we have no choices -- but that is simply an illusion of the mind -- of looking at the world and saying "these are the choice I want and don't have!!", instead of studying the multitude of choices that are actually in front of your face, but are ignoring.
Wow. I have an overriding feeling to shave my head, don a robe and light some incense...ohhllllmmmmmm
Call me an idiot, but I just pulled the trigger on this one. I told W about how upset I was last night. The LM rejection was cleared up fine but I then opened up the babysitter issue. Her arms crossed and she started getting really defensive. Oh man, I suck. I just realized that I violated our first principle..."not bringing up the past". Oh crap, I suck.
Never mind folks. I've got some apologizing to do.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
My shrink put the kaboosh on my very active fantasy world when he told me that fantasy is a world in which we are always completely in control. Having a fantasy is feeding your need to control and lessen feelings of helplessness.
That really irked me. So I asked him, "what's wrong with fantazing?" Absolutely nothing, he said, as long as you do not allow fantasy to feed unrealistic expectations and desires. Fantasy is one-dimensional. Life is multi-dimensional.
